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Y. 



JON D I J A N 



A Twofold Journey 
With Manifold Purposes. 



BY THE AUTHORS OF 



"THE COMING K " and "THE SILIAD." 

c IS-jejeXonnj ScwwaAa (9/vcJkv«/vT a 



Contents : 



Dedication 
Canto the 
Canto the 
Canto the 
Canto the 
Canto the 
Canto the 
Canto the 
Canto the 



First . 
Second . 
Third . 
Fourth . 
Fifth . 
Sixth . 
Seventh 
Eighth 



Ben Trovato. 

Ancestry ', Parentage, and Education. 

The Queenless Court. 

Progress through Bohemia. 

Mother Chtirch and her Children. 

The Savour of Society. 

The Lords and Ladies of the Drama. 

A Sojourn in Deer Land. 

The Smoke-Room at the M Club. 




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JON D U A N . 

By the Authors of " The Coming K " and " The Siliad, 



< 




Dedication. 



EN DIZZY ! you're a humbug — Humbug- 
laureate, 

And representative of all the race ; 
Although 'tis true that you turned out a Tory at 

Last, yours is still an enigmatic face. 
And now, O Sphyntic renegade, what are you at 

With all the Rurals in and out of place ? 
Where will you leave the boobies in the lurch — ■ 
Have you resolved to double D the Church ? 



You've dished the Whigs before 



sing, 



we now would 



What is the pie that you're so busy making ? 
A dainty dish to set before the Thing — 2 

Or aught that its digestion will be shaking ? — 
Or is it Discord's apple that you bring ? 

Or will you set the good old Tories quaking, 
By saying that they hitherto have missed tricks, 
By not going in for equal polling districts ? 



You'll educate them, won't you, Master Ben ? 

And make them think that they are clever, 
very, 
Until the trick is won, and they'll wish, then, 

They'd taken you cum grano Salis-bury. 
No wonder Mr. Miall's making merry, 

And rallying his Liberation men — 
He sees your tongue so plainly in your cheek, 
When in your Church's champion role you speak, 

Go on, neat humbug, laughing in your sleeve. 

And winking, as you bid the Church not falter ; 
We joy to see her aid from you receive, 

To guard her 'gainst the dangers that assault 
her ; 
The English Church has had her last reprieve, 

Now_yra are standing boldly by her altar. — 
Already in the glass we see the image, 
Of an impending, big religious scrimmage. 



DEDICATION. 



<CJ_=i \, / ( 



-~s>m^ 




O, who shall tell the turmoil and the strife — 
The more interminable because religious — 

With which the coming Session will be rife, 
When all the rival creeds shall wax litigious, 

To help the State keep Madame Church, his wife, 
In proper order ? It will be prodigious ! 

The war of politics becomes mere prattle 

Beside a rubrical religious battle. 

Thank God ! it's coming ! we shall live to see 
The State Church crushed, and God from 
Mammon parted ; 

England from dowered priestcraft will be free, 
The Bishops from the Upper House all started ; 

Then flowers and fruit will fill fair wisdom's 
tree, 
And Superstition from the land be carted. 

O, Dizzy, for the coming state of things, 

Our muse her warmest thanks, prospective, sings ! 

The Pope had better dance his can-cans straight- 
way, 
For weak-souled Marquises he's proselyted ; 
See, Truth is mustering at Error's gateway, 
Demanding that the people's wrongs be 
righted ; 
Priestcraft is doomed, and this will go a great 
way 
Tow'rds bringing sunshine into lands be- 
nighted. 
" The moaning wind " — Oh yes, Ben, we have 

heard it — 
Is rising now, and woe to them that stirred it ! 

And we, because we call a spade a spade, — 
Despising weak and washy euphemisms, — 

Find everywhere false accusations made 

Against us by the smarting " ists" and "isms" 



DEDICATION. 



We have attacked ; they like not to be flayed 

O'er fires made up with their own catechisms 
So, as they writhe and twist like dying eels, 
They make the air resound with libellous squeals. 

Some have accused us of a strange design 
Against the Heads and Tales 3 of the land ; 

They've traced it in The Siliad's ev'ry line, 

And in The Coming K seen treason's 

brand. 

Well, it no way displeases natures fine 
As ours are, when our readers understand 

More than we write ; or less, in very truth : 

We mean no war ; we've only crossed the Pruth. 4 

To the cool readers of this temp'rate clime, 
Our style of writing may appear erotic ; 

But what is ours to Musset's passioned rhyme, 
Or Hugo's shafts 'gainst all that is despotic ? 

The nervous English of this modern time 

Will own that in our lines, poor things, is no 
tic — 

'Xcept douloureux, perhaps, which brings a pain — 

We'll hope we have not giv'n a twinge in vain. 

We don't believe, however, in the painful 

Expression worn by some whom we have seen, 

Who, speaking of our work, seemed, in the main, 
full 
Of pimples on their mind, and sought to screen 

Impostusmations foul, feigning a brainful 

Of purest thoughts, and fancies always clean : 

Such people are like blow-flies, who secrete 

Their poisoned ova in the freshest meat. 

Then there's that cadging dodger, who saw fit 
To write himself down Ass, on scores of pages, 

And, in a volume lacking sense or wit, 

To tout for preferment. When next his wages 




IV 



DEDICATION. 



4 -^SCHOOL 





Are paid for such like raids, perhaps he'll hit, 

Or try to hit, the foe that he engages : — 
It must be so annoying to lickspittle 
As he did, and be wrong in every tittle. 

Go to ! you reverend, "lining" gentleman ; 

Go, take your 'davies, prostitute your pen ; 
Go, do your hireling work, as best you can, 

And be, as usual, all things to all men ; — 
Be high, or broad, or low, as suits your plan, 

And, greedily, essay the work of ten ; 
But, if you've got a spark of manly virtue, 
Don't lie again of one who's never hurt you. 

Enough of scolding — in our purpose pure, 

We care not what they call us — Fool, or Van- 
dal; 
Of good and true souls' approbation sure, 

We glory in the hate of those who brand all 
Plain truths* as treason ; and who can't endure 
That we should lance and probe each public 
scandal. 
The fact being that these purists, who would 

urge on 
Our flaying, need themselves the moral surgeon. 

'Tis pleasanter to see that light is spreading, 
That Science has bowled Dogma's middle 
stump ; 

And that the rays which Reason's surely shedding, 
Are penetrating now the dense, dark lump 

Of Superstition ; that fair Truth is heading 
Splay-footed Prejudice, the ugly frump ; 

That Tyndall's in the van, and naught can turn 
him — 

Oh, wouldn't all the Bigots like to burn him ! 

Confusion fills the priestly camp ; the tocsin 
That called to Church is summoning to Arms ; 



DEDICA TION. 



The frightened priests are calling all their flocks in, 
But find they heed no more the ancient charms ; 

They vainly, now, are robed their smartest smocks 
in, 
Their threats and curses fill with no alarms ; 

But there they stand, the church's light so dim in, 
And find their followers are but fools and women. 



Confusion fills the City — Samson's fall 

Has much vexed the financial Philistines ; 

And for another unjust judge they call, 

'Stead of King Crump, who crumples their 
designs, 

And is a burden to them, as King Saul 
Was to the Israelites. It is hard lines, 

No doubt, to find they can nowise ensnare him — 

He won't be bought — no wonder they can't " bear" 
him. 



Confusion fills the Country — Tory Squires, 
Elated at their triumph, try to stop 

The march of progress, damp down Freedom's 
fires, 
And ignorance's shaking knees to prop ; 

The peasant's child, these worthies say, requires 
No education, he his books must drop — 

They care not how degraded their poor neighbour, 

Their sole idea is to get cheap labour. 



Confusion fills fair France — her breast is torn 
By Royal Sham bores, Bonapartist bullies ; 

Her grief is great, and grievous to be borne, 
Her cup of tribulation very full is. 

But hope is springing, as she sits forlorn, 

And waits for Fate to move the proper pulleys ; 

Her lips shall never an Imperial cub lick, 

May she firm found a glorious, free Republic I 



The morning comes, the outer darkness breaks, 
And perfect day upon her shall, at last, steal ; 

She dreams, and even in her visions shakes 
From her the bloated Bourbon of the Bastile ; 

Shrieks, as her hand the young Napoleon takes, 
For at his touch dread mem'ries of the past 
steal 

O'er her ; and, vowing on his race, Vendetta, 

She wakes and clings for safetv to Gambetta. 



And now, we mean to spare your feelings, Ben, 
You're suffering — is it not so ? — from the gout ; 

Podagral pains afflict you, so our pen 

Shall show you mercy, and we will not flout 

You further— may you soon be well ! and then, 
Why, then, your former mission set about, 

Begin again, with resolution hearty, 

To educate your stupid Tory party. 

Teach it to use its brains, and ears, and eyes, 
Teach it to think that Bigotry's a blunder ; 

Teach it that Education is a prize, 
Teach it to hear the moaning wind and thunder, 

Teach it to heed the people's warning cries ; 

Teach it to rend the Church and State asunder : 

Teach it — but, there, we trust to your sagacity, 

For you know best your followers' capacity. 



Meantime, Ben Dizzy, we proceed to dedicate, 
In honest, simple verse, our lays to you ; 

And though in flattering strains we do not predi- 
cate, 
Believe us, our intent is good and true. — 

We must our Cantos with a moral medicate, 
Because we wish a doctor's work to do : 

Our country's sick, we've read the diagnosis, 

The knife, applied in time, may save necrosis. 



DEDICATION. 



1 We imply no profane intentions to Mr. Disraeli. He is 
on the side of the Angels, and, of course, never swears. The 
"double D." refers merely to that Disendowment and Dis- 
establishment of the English Church, which we rejoice to. 
think, thanks to our Prime Minister, are so imminent. 

2 Thing or Althing. So was called the first Political 
Assembly of the Northern nations. To Iceland, many years 
before the Normans overcame the English, went many 
thousands of hardy, intelligent settlers from Norway. These 
were the men who preferred to be damned with all their an- 
cestors, than to be saved without them. Rather than give 
way to Olaf, who had become a saint, and therefore a perse- 
cutor, they elected to depart and seek other shores. Thus, 
little Iceland became a great community. One Ulfijot was 
the man for the Thing; the hour was 930, A. D. Thence- 
forward it met annually on the plains of Thing Valla. For 
the benefit of our present Premier, who may use the informa- 
tion to serve up in his next Bath Letter, or to his Aylesbury 



Ordinary Farmers (these yeomen, surely, should be extra- 
ordinary ones), when next he addresses them, we shall add 
one more piece of news. It may be useful to him to know, 
and to keep in reserve— in company with Wilkes's Extinct 
Volcanoes, Coningsby's Plundering and Blundering, Balzac's 
Definition of a Critic, M. Thiers' Obituary Addresses, and 
the other choice specimens of his talent for eclectic epigram- 
matizing— that the President of the Thing was called Lag- 
madicr. The first syllable is unpleasantly suggestive of the 
rural rdgime, under which we have the present happiness, 
according to the received formula, to live, but we trust to the 
Member for Bucks to keep us moving. 

3 Tales. Suchlike and so distinguished. 

See Kinglake's "Crimea; " or the work of any veracions 
historian of the Russian War, say that of M. Thiers, or, 
better still, that of any of the companions of the author of 
the "History of Caesar." 



Notes to Canto the First. 

Our Gentleman from Dauphiny (VIII). — Every public 
schoolboy knows that the fearless and reproachless Bayard 
was the grandfather of Chastelard. But, as everybody is 
not a public schoolboy, we print from the Dictionnaire de 
Bouillet the following brief account of Mary's hapless lover : 
— " Pierre de Boscobel de Chastelard, un gentilhomme 
Dauphinois, 6tait petit-fils de Bayard. Ayant concu une 
violente passion pour la celebre Marie Stuart, dpouse de 
Francois II., il suivit cette princesse en Ecosse apres la mort 
de ce monarque. II fut surpris dans la chambre de Marie, 
et condamne' a perdre la tete." Mr. Swinburne has sung, in 
impassioned lines, the moving history of Chastelard's erotic 
adventures ; and the Saturday Review, whilst rebuking, has 
fully described them. 



David, Bathsheba (XIV).— Mr. Peter Bayle, in his Critical 
and Historical Dictionary, thus sums up the case he makes 
against the royal prophet, the man after God's own heart : 
— "Those who shall think it strange that I speak my 
mind about the actions of David compared with natural 
morality, are desired to consider three things : — 1. They 
themselves are obliged to own that the conduct of this 
prince towards Uriah is one of the greatest crimes which 
can be committed. There is then only a difference of more 
to less between them and me ; for, I agree with them, that 
the other faults of the prophet did not hinder him being filled 
with piety, and great zeal for the glory of God. He was 
subject alternately to passion and grace. This is a misfor- 
tune attending our nature since the fall of Adam. The 
grace of God very often directed him ; but on several 
occasions passion got the better ; policy silenced religion. 
2. It is very allowable of private persons, like me, to judge 
of Facts contained in the Scripture, when they are not ex- 
pressly characterized by the Holy Spirit. If the Scripture, 



in relating an action, praises or condemns it, none can 
appeal from this judgment : every one ought to regulate his 
approbation or censure on the model of Scripture. I have 
not acted contrary to this Rule : the facts, upon which I 
have advanced my humble Opinion, are related in the Holy 
Scripture, without any mark of approbation affixed by the 
Spirit of God. 3. It would be doing an injury to the 
Eternal Laws, and consequently to the true Religion, to 
give Libertines occasion to object, that when a man has been 
once inspired by God, we look upon his Conduct as the Rule 
of Manners ; so that we should not dare to condemn the 
Actions of People, though most opposite to the notions of 
Equity, when such an one had done them. There is no 
Medium in this Case ; either these actions are not good, or 
Actions like them are not evil ; now, since we must choose 
either the one or the other, is it not better to take care of the 
Interests of Morality than the glory of a private Person ? 
Otherwise, will it not be evident, that one chooses rather to 
expose the Honour of God than that of a mortal Man ? 

Own the Corn (XVI). — According to the strict classical 
ipsissima verba of the Sacred Vedas of the United States, 
this should be written " acknowledge the corn." Dr. Scheie 
de Vere thus narrates the origin of the phrase. It arose out 
of the misfortune of a flat-boatman, who had come down to 
New Orleans, with two flat boats, laden, the one with corn, 
the other with potatoes. He was tempted to enter a gambling 
establishment, and lost his money and his produce. On re- 
turning to the wharf at night, he found the boat laden with 
corn had sunk in the river ; and when the winner came next 
morning to demand the stake, he received the answer, 
"Stranger, / acknowledge the corn, take 'em; but the 
potatoes you can't have, by thunder ! " 



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JON D U A N. 



Canto The First. 



i. 

|&8*[gj| HE blood of Duan's race was very blue — 
IIJPIII In indigo, indeed, an uncle dealt — 

The Heralds' College, too, had got a clue, 

Pursuing which, the prouder members felt 
The Duans were as old as any Jew, 

Who had been asked by them to kindly melt 
Certain acceptances, from time to time — 
As done by Israel in every clime. 

II. 
The fluid in the Duans' veins was mixed ; 

Not wholly Saxon, nor of Norman strain — 
For early tribes had not their dwellings fixed, 

But wandered forth in search of grass and grain. 
Much as, sweet reader, yesterday, thou picksed 

Thy villa on the Thames, close to the train ; — 
To mind thy shop in London smoke ; then rush 
Into the country from the crowd and crush. 

ill. 
The Duans' archives do not throw much light on 

What rank they held, as Cave men, in the past ; 
But, as their modern way is just to fight on, 

Wc may suppose they were the men to last ; — 
That age was not the one to form a Crichton, 

Then were no feeds to speak of, but of mast ; 
And dinner orat'ry was not in vogue, 
Words were so short that all was monologue. 



IV. 
They searched thro' Lubbock, his Primeval man 

(Whose words weigh well, and far above his coin), 
Hoping to find a record of the clan, 

But couldn't trace a single rib or loin 
From which they might have come ; so chose a bran- 

New pedigree, which sought Jon's folk to join 
W T ith one who came with Marie's suite from France, 



v. 
All know — a periphrase which means, how few — 

'Mongst Marie's amants stood French Chastelard, 
Of whom 'tis saying nothing fresh or new, 

That his unfortunate, or lucky, star 
Brought her to love him whom she, after, slew ; — 

A mangled victim 'neath her loving Car. 
But Bayard's grandson felt, when he gained Mary, 
Ecstatic bliss, which naught could raise or vary. 

VI. 

Now, 'tis a very strange, tho' truthful fact, 
That some men, tho' they've known the tip-top 
dames, 

Have not disdained with lowlier maids to act, 
As though the Royal or Imperial flames 

Had something in them which so much attacked 
The nerves, that 'spite of the most loyal claims. 

They've fell a-flirting with a "Waiting Lady"— 

And thought it venial when the Queen was "fadey." 



JON DUAN. 



VII. 

I'is certain Chastelard had no excuse 

Of fadiness in Mary, to atone 
For making eyes at others, but the deuce 

Is in some men, for when they're left alone, 
They can't contain themselves ; but on the loose 

They get ; and enter the unfaithful zone, 
In moment'ry unmindfulness of her 
Who, did she know it, would kick up a stir. 

VIII. 

Our gentleman from Dauphiny had seen 
The Queen's four Maries, and full often thought 

Had Mary Stuart not his mistress been, 

One of these dames d'honneur he would have 
sought ; 

For he did fancy one of them did lean 
A little to his side, when he had brought, 

Perchance, some heather from King Arthur's Seat, 

To please his Queen, whom he had come to meet. 

IX. 

And why is it, sweet woman, you incline 
To listen to his tongue, and note his eye, 

And love the fellow, when he isn't thine? 
Is it because you like to make her cry, 

In whose possession this same youth has lien ? 
We fear it is so, and must call " Fie ! fie ! " 

Because, if we don't, others will do 't, you know, 

And we, as Jove, had better scold our Juno. 



'Twas true enough ; one of the four was struck, 
And Chastelard, the striker, had his way ; 

So well it is to live in way of luck ; 
And good such facts, for those who sing the lay — 

For, if there were no doe to please the buck, 
No "poor deluded," nor " deceiver gay" — 

What would become of novelists and poets, 

Tho', for Afflatus' sake, they drank up "Moet's "? 

XI. 
Have you not heard of Widow Eugenie, 

Who, when a wife, quitting the Emperor, 
Did from the Court of France instanter flee, 

And scandal make, because a woman bore 
A burden she should not ; — one of those *illes 

Who care for naught but naughtiness, and store 
Of di'monds, coral, pearl, and rentes, or rolls 
Oi billets, notes, or cheques on Coutts or Bowles ? 



XII. 

She was a Marguerite, Bellanger to wit, 
Who pleased the Third Napoleon for awhile, 

By wiles well known, and for the old well fit — 
These to describe won't suit our English style ; 

So, by your leave, we would them pretermit, 
Altho' naught pleases more than scenes of guile ; 

And, to speak truth — which is above and 'fore all — 

France is, of all known lands, the most immoral ! 

XIII. 

To Duan's forefathers we would return ,• 
But must a moment keep you in the South, 

To note where Austria's Empress wished to learn 
The English tongue from moustached, warlike 
mouth. 

Ah ! Francis Joseph, you with rage may burn, 
But, if you won't forsake the ways of youth, 

Your charming wife, slim-waisted, full of grace, 

Will make her game and start a steeple chase. 

XIV. 

From Dan to Beersheba 'tis all the same : — 
Jacob and Rachel ; Sarah and the King ; 

David, Bathsheba ; very much to blame 

(She was a bad mark for the Psalmist's sling) ; 

The tale don't change ; 'tis only in the name : 
'Tis not— thankGod! — our place the dirt to fling, 

We leave such work to Beecher and his Church, 

Where's dirt enough all Brooklyn to besmirch. 

xv. 

We hope it's now extremely clear to all 

Where Duan's people came from ; for, indeed, 

We can't get on without some facts to fall 
Back on ; . yet, now, some critic who shall read 

This verse, may, if permitted, choose to call 
Attention to the fact that our Jon's breed 

Is not legitimate, but bastard-born : — 

Well, if it must be so, — we'll own the corn. 

XVI. 

Our first love-making, that's a great event, 

Standing from out the flat shores of our life, 
Like Devon sandstone, or chalk cliff in Kent ; 

But seldom ending in her being our wife, 
Whose charms our green youth th' unknown fire 
had lent ; 
For boys of eighteen, in their first love-strife, 
Find older women more omnipotent 
Than younger demoiselles who blush and start, 
Not having learned the ways of Cupid's dart. 



JON DUAN. 



XVII. 

Not more exempt than other white or black man, 
Kalmuck, Caucasian, or wan during Tartar, 

Or Indian Red, or pig-tail China Jackman — 
Each one for ever wanting some one's "darter" — 

Jon felt a shock, and straight became a pack-man 
With a love load, for which he gave in barter 

That adoration pure, and worship truthful, 

Which blase men sneer down as " very youthful." 

XVIII. 

Though Duan often laughed at his first hit, 

When harder grown, and much more up to snuff; 

Yet, when 'twas on, he felt the strong love-fit 
Shake him with swift sensations, quite enough 

To please and torture him, as he did sit 
In admiration mute — the simple muff ! — 

Of sweet Maria, as she bent her head 

Over her book or plate, or prayed, or fed. 

XIX. 
Like other women who have got to thirty, 

She knew a little of the ways of men, 
And, just as happened to our Royal Bertie, 

Duan was taught some things he didn't ken 
Before, and found the'new-learned ways so "purty," 

That he became Maria's slave, and ten 
Times more than many people thought was proper, 
They riding went : — and once . Jon came a 
"cropper." 

xx. 

'Twas in a hunt down with the West Kent hounds, 
Over the hills, from Horton to the right ; 

And tho' the pack's not good, and wood abounds, 
Yet 'twas a pretty and exciting sight 

To see the horsemen ; glorious, too, the sounds 
Of the ground-striking hoofs ; fierce, too, the light 

Which shone forth from the eyes of those who 
rode, 

Whether they " cock-tails " or well-breds bestrode. 

XXI. 

Duan was well up in the heated hunt ; 

The huntsman blew his horn, and o'er the plough, 
With varying speed came, with a snort or grunt, 

Chesnuts and bays ; and Duan made a vow 
The Brush he'd have ; but saw he'd have to shunt 

One fellow, who was just before him now, 
Going like steam, and clearly not inclined 
To yield his place to anyone behind. 



XXII. 

The hill is breasted, and the top is reached, 

And fast down hill the line of hounds extends ; 
And to the yokel old, and boy just breeched, 
Who stand beneath the hedge, just where it 
I bends, 

It is a view superb ; and 'twill be preached 
That night, in slow Kent phrase, which greatly 
tends 
To help the tale :— that " 'twor a real bloomin' 



Soight to see the hounds over plough a-coomin'." 

XXIII. 

Lady Maria is but gently moving, 

She knows the paces ; knows, too, the wire 
fences ; 
And tho' her temperament's inclined to loving, 
She's found that common sense the topping sense 
is; 
So she reserves herself, but keeps improving 

The place she has ; but never once commences 
To try her very best, till she's persuaded 
She must try other charms, since youth's are 
faded. 

XXIV. 

In following foxes, she was just the same, 
She was as cool at this as when a heart 

Was startled by her eyes ; or other game, 

On which she'd set her mind, was in the mart ; 

Nor cruel, nor selfish was she, but a dame 
Ready on any jig or joust to start ; 

And loved that man who near at hand did lay, 

To take her to the field or to the play. 

XXV. 

Now Duan suited her just to a "t," 
Except in this — he was a trifle young ; 

That didn't matter for a vis-a-vis, 

But in the hunting field, it might be flung 

Into her face, by a dear, kind lady 

(Thus Charity adorns the female tongue), 

That she had brought her nephew out from Eton, 

Where, probably, he had been lately beaten. 

XXVI. 

She knew that Duan loved her, but she'd passed— 
Like nearly all who are bon-ton, just now — 

Through such experiences in years amassed, 
That she well knew the value of a vow 



JON DUAN. 




Made by a youth to her who's aging fast ; — 

She knew some day or other they would " row." 
Were there not hidden in her books and drawers, 
Portraits of lovers she had lost by scores ? 

XXVII. 

But if we slowly canter in this way, 

Searching my Lady's mind, the night will come, 
And find our hunters, after a hard day, 

Distant a weary twenty miles from home. 
So that we catch Jon Duan, let us pray — 

And, as it's heavy going on wet loam, 
We'll spur our Pegasus with hopes of laurel ; 
And pass the field of horses, bay and sorrel. 

XXVIII. 

In the best families, accidents occur ; 

And hunting accidents are never rare ; 
Think of the chances : you may catch your spur, 

Cannon your enemy, or throw your mare : 
In many such ways you may make a stir, 

And at a county meeting gain a stare, 
From some sweet creature, who, like Desdemona, 
Loves hair-breadth 'scapes as well as Dea bona. 

XXIX. 

Duan's last gallop was almost performed, 
Although he'd no idea of what was coming ; 

And, as veracious poets, well informed, 

We should not merit praises, but a drumming 

Out of the Laureate's fort so late we stormed, 
If we delayed from saying, that the numbing 

Sensations Duan's just experiencing 

Were not due to ill riding, or bad fencing. 

XXX. 

For 'twas no fence he'd gone at, nor drop jump, 
Nor anything that tries a horseman's skill ; 

And tho' some roarers had begun to pump, 

Through having gone the pace that's sure to kill 

The duffers ; yet Jon's mare, a thorough trump, 
Went steady, as an old 'un at a mill ; 

So we must tell you in the following strain, 

Why Duan lay extended on the plain. 

XXXI. 

For him, as many others, 'twas a drain 
That settled him ; a drain too much, in fact, 

Which had been made to carry off the rain, 
But sent our hero spinning — a worse act, 



JON DUAN. 



Causing, perhaps, concussion of the brain ; 

So sudden and so shocking the impact. 
For Duan's mare, alas, put her foot in it, 
And Duan's head came " crack/' in half a minute. 

XXXII. 

Our hero lay there very much at rest ; 

The blood oozed from his temple, o'er his eye ; 
And all his get-up, hat and coat and vest, 

Was sadly soiled ; and some said he would die 
Before assistance came ; which added zest 

To the day's sport ; though some might haply cry, 
When they did hear their favourite was killed, 
Upon a field not warlike, but just tilled. 

XXXIII. 

Not many stopped to see what could be done : 
A hunt is not the place for sentiment ; 

Those for'ard didn't want to lose the fun, 

And were on Reynard's death much more intent, 

Than caring for the life of any one 

As human as themselves ; quite innocent 

Of any motive, yet no doubt believing 

The world would be improved by some men leaving. 

XXXIV. 

But we will do some justice while we may, — 
And, place aux dames, my Lady gallops up 

On her old grey, well warranted to stay 
The longest run, and ready aye to sup 

On his bran mash at close of hardest day ; 
Welcomed at home by stable cat and pup, — 

Lady Maria joins the little group, 

Nor lets, on seeing Jon, her courage droop. 

xxxv. 
Forth from her flask a little spirit pours 

Into our hero's mouth ; his poor pale lips 
Reminding her of kisses by the scores 

She'd had of them ; such as a woman sips, 
Who's fond of kissing, and, in fact, adores 

The men who give them ; 'twas her ladyship's 
Delight, indeed ; and we repeat once more, 
She'd plenty had from other men before. 

XXXVI. 

Duan's white brow she bandaged like a Sistei 
Of Charity, or like a St. John's nurse, 

With her own handkerchief, while, to assist her, 
A little sporting doctor — none the worse 



That he the chase loved well as pill and blister — 
Felt Duan's pulse; and said, "There'll be no 
hearse 
Wanted for him this bout, if common care 
Is taken, but he's bound to lose his hair." 

XXXVII. 

He'd lost his fox, and now must lose his hair, 
'Twas very hard ; at least it seemed hard lines ; 

But, then, you see, he'd gained a something there 
Which they knew not ; for Providence combines 

A set of compensations, and don't spare 

For lenience e'en to sinners' faults and fines ; 

Content if of good deeds she find a few — an' 

There really was a lot of good in Duan. 

XXXVIII. 

Two " varmerV' men upon a hurdle took him, 
Gently as if he'd been their little child, 

To a near cottage, nor at all they shook him ; 
For little food had made their natures mild. 

And Lady May not for an inch forsook him, 
But on his handsome face, all-hoping, smiled. 

It is quite true — if you'd a woman win, 

Get weak or wounded, then you will " wire in." 

XXXIX. 

With more of tender feeling than she'd felt 

For Duan all the time that he had courted her, 

My Lady, self-controlled, unused to melt, 

Smiling most sweetly just when things most 
thwarted her, 

Having the nature of the happy Celt — 

(Debrett and Burke of Irish blood reported 
her)— 

My Lady led the way for Duan's entry, 

And, as the yokels bore him in, stood sentry. 

XL. 
The cottage was a lovely little place, 

Belonging to my lord, we mean not ours, but 
Lady Maria's lord, who had the grace, 

Being a kind lord — blessed, too, with the 
"Gower" strut — 
To be quite blind to the most obvious trace 

Of 'Ria's "goings on," e'en in her bower shut ; 
Nor cared a jot for what was said by rumour, 
As long as Lady M. kept in good humour. 



JON DUAN. 




XLI. 

We hope we're clear before our readers now — 
We've had a deal of trouble with the rhyme ; 

We've landed Duan, who will make his bow 
As soon as may be, in his gaysome prime ; 

Cured of his wound ; — but, there, we don't know how 
His heart will feel ; still, loving is no crime, 

And we, with all our hearts, wish Duan joy, 

Having become quite spooney on the boy. 

XLII. 

And sweet on him, my Lady came — Eheu ! 

'Tis ever so ; one gives the cheek to kiss, 
The other kisses it : we know it, so do you : 

Duan before his fall had felt the bliss 
Of loving ; now, somehow, he'd lost the cue, 

Whilst Lady May had found how much she'd 
miss 
When Duan should depart ; but in her cooings, 
She never once deplored her present doings. 



XLIII. 

Is that a fact about remorse, we wonder ? 

Is it the least true that men do repent 
When youth and age lie many years asunder, 

And all our brightness and our force are spent? — 
Grieve men for youthful follies as a blunder ? — 

Is sackcloth worn for salad merriment ? — 
It may be so ; still we think, indigestion 
Alone makes men say "Yes " to such a question. 



XLIV. 

We've known a many various men in life, 

High, Low, Jack, Game, all four, all sorts and 
sizes ; 

Some who've behaved like bricks in serious strife, 
Some on the bench, some summon'd to th' assizes, 

One's in the Church, one's just divorced his wife, 
And one's a publisher, who advertises 

What he declares is " Beeton's Annual New," 

Whilst B. asserts the statement isn't true. 



XLV. 

Being inquisitive, that we might know 

From diff'rent minds what each felt on this point, 
We've asked the men above if it is so 

With them, if they regretted any joint 



JON DUAN. 



Proceedings in those sweet spring days, that go 

So swift and are so precious, that anoint 
With pungent memories all the years that follow, 
When baldness comes, and teeth are growing 
hollow. 

XLVI. 

Well, each one's answer show'd the self-same thing, 
Which was, that they'd enjoyed their youth-time 
greatly, 
And that the only trouble and real sting 

Was, in some cases, that they'd grown too 
stately — 
(Which meant, too fat) that no new times could bring 
The pleasures of the past 3 — when Bridget, 
" nately," 
Would dance a jig, Janet the Highland Fling, 
Rose fill the cup, and Alice ditties sing. 

XLVII. 

Ah ! dear old Beranger has caught the strain — 
" La jambe Men faite et le temps perdu" 

Never such honest verse we'll see again ; 

For, readers (this betwixt ourselves and you), 

Humbug has on this land such strong chains lain, 
We ne'er, with all our strength, can break them 
through, 

Until — oh ! happy day, arise ! arise ! — 

Truth makes Hypocrisy her lawful Prize. 

XLVIII. 

'Twas most important you should understand 
Our feelings on the subject of Remorse, 

Because the subject that we have in hand — 
(That it's objective, Bismarck would enforce) 

Duan, the subject, is of that stout band 
Who nothing but the natural, will endorse; 

And, as we can't be fighting our own hero, 

We " ditto " say, though Cant may weep, " Oh, 
dear, oh ! " 

XLIX. 

As Duan, soon, became a little better, 
And his hurt temple had begun to heal ; 

He learnt how much he was my Lady's debtor, 
And with his thanks, and more, soon made her 
feel 

How sweet caresses are ; and thinking, set her, 
How grateful manhood is ; and set the seal 

Of real fervour on the yielding wax, 

Which, when not felt, makes loving limp and lax. 



L. 
These cottage days, alas, too quickly fled ; 

And ever more my Lady treasured them ; 
For, though she gaily spent her time, and led, 

In after life, the rout, nor sought to stem 
Her later fancies, when Jon's love was dead — 

Yet, when they met, it needed all her phlegm 
To seem as though she'd never cared about him, 
And had but nursed, in order just to flout, him. 

Li. 
One day a maiden, urged by anguish keen, 
Went down by the North Kent to Greenhithe 

Station, 
For in her Western home she had just seen — 

Amongst the other news of our great nation — 
Duan's mishap described, and how he'd been 

Thought dead. She, in a loving perturbation, 
Did not clap spurs into her steed, as knights would, 
But left by the first train which called at Brites- 
wood. 

LII. 

Lady Maria had gone up to town, 
To be at Guelpho's fancy ball that night : 

So, met the train which brought the damsel down. 
We'll not go in for telling the brave sight 

At Marlborough House — but note the inquiring 
frown 
My Lady's maid gave, as she asked "What 
might 

Miss want with Mister Jon — he's very weak, 

And doctor has left word he mustn't speak?" 

LIII. 

Poor Letty Lethbridge, she was near to faint, 
When the trained maid thus met her anxious 
quest ; 

But love is strong in sinner and in saint, 
And to see Jon she still would do her best : — 

"Is there no way to see him ? " — " No, there ain't," 
The Cockney said. — " I won't disturb his rest," 

Said pretty Letty, — " Only just to see him ; 

Oh, won't the doctor let me, if I fee him ? " 

LIV. 

" Fee him, indeed ! If anyone could do it, 

/ am the party, although / dare not. 
My Lady, on the spot, would make me rue it." 

"Lady ! — what lady?/' Letty gasped, all hot. 



JON DUAN. 



Lady Maria ; if she only knew it, 

She'd give up Coming K and all the lot 

My goodness me ! it puts me in a tremyor 
Only to think of it ! what a dilemyor ! " 



lv. 
Billings was yielding ; only just a little, 

But 'twas enough to give the Lethbridge hope,— 
Not that my Lady's maid did care a tittle 

About my Lady's anger : she could cope 
With that ; besides,<J|ie knew how very brittle 
Was man's love, and how soon and sharp it 
broke ; 
And she had seen some symptoms of Jon's tiring, 
And thought his would go out, bar some new 
firinsr. 



LVI. 

Letty began then, in a gracious way- 
She had her purse, too, in her open palm : — 

"I want to see Jon Duan, and I pray 
You do whate'er you can to bring me balm ; 

And I will give you all I have, to-day, 
If but my fears about him I may calm. 

Let me but have one peep at him, sweet honey, 

And you shall have— oh, lots and lots of money ! " 



LVII. 

The sovereigns did it— Letty gave her purse, 
And Billings took her where our hero lay, 

Saying, " You mustn't make a bit of ' furse,' 

Then I don't mind how long you with him stay." 

And Letty, happy she was now his nurse, 
Felt that her night had brightened into day, 

Though, still, the jealous doubt would come to 
bother, 

Who was this lady, whom she longed to smother ? 



LVIII. 

Duan was dozing ; men do, ill or well ; 

And nothing's more enjoyable on earth, 
Whether you're visioning the last night's belle 

You danced with ; or when comes a total dearth 
Of news and scandal. So that it befell 

Letty did gaze, as Duan dozed. No berth 

So pleasurable could anyone have given her 

To write down all her joy, 'twould take a scrivener. 



LIX. 
Duan, in turning lazily about, 

Opened his peepers, and caught sight of something 
Which, to his half-roused mind, did seem, no doubt, 

A little strange ; however, like a dumb thing, 
He stayed ; and baby-like, tried to make out 

What 'twas before his eyes — a fee, fo, fum thing, 
His doziness divined ; — soon, shape it takes, 
And when it did so, quickly Duan wakes. 

LX. 

We're not a Wilkie Collins — God be praised ! 

Not that we don't think involutions fine ; 
We do, in fact ; but don't wish our brain crazed 

To trace a tale in geometric line. 
So don't imagine you are to be mazed 

Just after, or before, you've been to dine— 
For 'twas indeed a simple, plain old thing 
That Duan saw — a palpable gold ring. 

LXI. 

That plain gold rings resemble plain gold rings, 
Must be, we think, a proposition simple — 

It would not puzzle one of our old kings ; 
Still, there is many a woman with a dimple, 

Whose nerves are sensitive on such old things ; 
And e'en that sister, who doth wear a wimple, 

Is touched, maybe, when those smooth circlets 
golden 

Are seen on hands where they should not be holden. 

LXII. 

But as a cheese-mite knows another mite, 
In that rich Stilton cheese you have in cut ; 

And as an oyster knows its pearl by sight, — 
So Duan knew this ring from out a rut 

Of rings ; and would have bet, e'en being "tight," 
He'd spot it in whatever light 'twas put ; 

For 'twas the one he'd put on Letty Lethbridge 

One day at church, when they were down at 
Fettridge. 

LXIII. 

Poor little Robson in that wondrous role 

Of wand'ring Minstrel, which he really made, — 

Unlike creations now, which most are " stole," — 
When he did sing of Villikins's jade, 

Was wont to pause, as he his song did troll, 
And, looking with that look demurely staid, 

Would say, 'Tis not a comic song I'm singing— 

So we— 'Tis not an intrigue we're beginning. 



12 



JON DUAN. 



Longer than that ; then one feels hard and steel- 
clad 
'Gainst her who might have nursed you in 
your long clo' — 
Old women can't expect men's love for ever, 
Let them, of all wiles that they know, endeavour. 



LXXIV. 

It had all passed — his heart was wholly Letty's ; 

Just now at any rate, and he forgot 
The hunting and the fall, for he had met his 

First love, won in past years, whom not for dot 
He loved ; for by the side of Lady Betty's, 

The Lethbridge lands were small and mort- 
gaged — not 
Like neighbouring Lady B.'s, who owned the park, 
But hadn't quite the charms to please our spark. 



LXXV. 

The day had worn on ; Duan had been served 
With all his usual fare, and Letty went 

At times to see the walks and roads that curved 
Around the cottage built on an ascent, 

Commanding a grand view, which well deserved 
The title of the'prettiest scene in Kent — 

There down below, seen through its oaks and 
beeches, 

Stretched Father Thames down to the sea in 
reaches. 

LXXVI. 

They'd spoken of old times, our youth and maid, 
And smiled and laughed, and Letty nearly 
cried 

At the remembrance of a cruel thing said 

By Duan once. She'd been, too, sorely tried, 

When older girls made eyes at Jon ; — afraid 
That he might change, and take another bride. 

But Duan's just that "kinder sort o' man," you 
see, 

Who knows the sex as well as Ballantyne, Q.C. 



LXXVII. 

He might make blunders in the books he pub- 
lished, 

Be an enthusiast for Rochefort's Lanterne; 
Be in a bargain with Barabbas vanquished 

(Jon in mere trading was the wee-est bairn) ; 



But with the women ne'er was Duan dubbed 
"dished" — 
As Derby dished the Whigs — but like Jules 
Verne, 
Takes Phileas round the world in eighty days, 
Duan the women won ; he knew their ways. 

LXXVIII. 

He had a funny theory on this head, 

Which may be worth reporting to the world 
(If it is not, just think, then, 'twas not said). 

Well, his assertion was, that hair which curled, 
Bright eyes which shone (and weren't like cod- 
fish dead), 
Long arms that clasped as in the waltz they 
twirled, 
The lissom limb, the backbone straight, and 

small feet, 
Were manly charms which in most men don't all 
meet. 

LXXIX. 

And when they did, — and here you'll see the 
point, — 
Women admired, and common men did hate 
The lucky man who showed the shapely joint : 

And in this life 'twas sure to be his fate 
That all the sex that's fair would him anoint 
With sweetest unguents, morning, noon, or 
late — 
And so it worked, that men who'd luck with 

women, 
Had usually to count most males their foemen. 

LXXX. 

Poor Letty had been hovering round the question 
As to the lady of whom Billings spoke ; 

And she had often got as far as " Yes, Jon, 

But tell me who ? " — and then her courage 
broke. 

She was afraid, perhaps, of his digestion, 

And more she feared that she might be awoke 

To listen to some fearful revelation, 

More shocking than poor Lady Dilke's cremation. 

LXXXI. 

Well, and it came at last, and Duan felt it 
A very awkward question to discuss ; 

But, the bull taking by the horns, he dealt it 
A blow which settled it without much fuss : 



JON DUAN. 



He knew the girl's soft heart, and so, to melt it, 

He told her all about his absent " nuss "; 
Except a fact or two, by some suspected, 
At which poor Letty might have felt dejected. 

LXXXII. 

But we have left Society some time, 

And how will that great mart get on without us ? 
To-day a hundred would commit a crime 

To gain an entry — pray, will any doubt us ? — 
To see the Coming K 's great pantomime 

At Marlborough House ; and, oh, how some 
will flout us 
Because we print — what some there dared to say — 
" We wonder if Lome's mother-in-law will pay ? " 

LXXXII I. 
A change of scene now comes ; and for a spell, 

Whilst Duan's getting happier every minute, 
We go to town, and cab it to Pall Mall, 

And see the world, and hear what fresh news' 
in it; — 
And there's a story going, which, if no sell, 

Bodes mischief; so we may as well begin it: — 
Lady Maria, 'spite of phlegm and fashion, 
Has gone into a fearful, towering passion. 

LXXXIV. 

A Duchess, aged, one of Guelpho's friends, 
Met her at Madame Louise's to-day ; 

And — see how small a thing the sex offends — ■ 
Asked if her little boy went out to play. 

Furious, on Duchess M. a frown she bends, 
Retorting — " Now, be careful what you say, 

Or I shall tell that little tale of Bertie, 

When he was but sixteen and you were thirty." 

LXXXV. 

This shocked the Duchess very much, perforce ; 

But, with the sangfroid of a lady born, 
She said, "You go to Marlborough House, of 
course, 

To-night ; you'll be received just like poor 
Lome : 
You'll see if Guelpho will my words endorse, 

For all your life yourwords to me you'll mourn." 
Then spoke to Madame Louise as to lace, 
Without the least emotion in her face. 

LXXXVI. 

Lady Maria did not stay to buy 

W T hat she intended for the ball that night ; 



She knew how useless 'twas her wit to try, 
And 'gainst her Grace's influence to fight; 

So unto Duan's arms she thought she'd fly, 
And tell her sorrows to her youthful knight. 

Alas ! her cup was soon to overflow, 

And she was doomed to feel a harder blow. 

LXXXVII. 

A woman's senses are extremely keen, 

When she's in love, and Letty heard some words 

Spoken below, and ere the form was seen, 
She knew, as know the little mother birds 

When danger threatens — there must be a scene ; 
And, as a warrior his armour girds, 

So Duan's present nurse her courage braces, 

Nor shows of fear even the slightest traces. 

LXXXVIII. 

Having within us tender hearts and pity, 
We feel grief for the elder woman's case ; 

We're not like those promoters in the City, 

Who laugh at victims of their schemings base ; 

We feel that Duan's conduct's not been pretty, 
And that he don't deserve an ounce of grace ; 

But, having said so in our own defence, 

We'll let the ladies show their skill of fence. 

LXXXIX. 

Duan sat up upon his sofa, thinking, 
As on the stairs my Lady's foot-fall fell, 

Whoever got the best in the sharp pinking, 
He could not come out of the contest well ; 

There was no way of skulking or of blinking ; 
In fact, he felt quite sea-sick at the swell 

Of varying emotions, which, like ocean's, 

Caused heavings tremulous and nauseous motions. 

xc. 
Entered, the practised woman of the world, 

To tread the stage, and act a scene of life ; 
Her look was thunder, scorn her pale lips curled, 

A very Amazon, arrayed for strife ; 
At Letty, epithets like javelins hurled, 

Piercing the maiden's bosom like a knife ; 
Yet, past the understanding of our dull wit, 
She said no word against the real culprit. 

xci. 
Letty grew fierce, as Duan's heart was wrung ; 

She, with the divination purely sexual, 
Knew why the taunts at her alone were flung ; 
And, though there's no description that's called 
textual, 



14 



JON DUAN. 



Of every fierce and horrid phrase that stung ; 
Yet, women-folk, though we, so writing, vex 
you all, 
Believe that if Jon had been absent, then, 
The work would have been different for our pen. 

XCII. 

'Twas jealousy of Letty's being there — 

There, in the very room for Jon made nice, 

By her (Maria's) loving hands and care — 

Proved, 'neath the smooth exterior, there wa s 
vice — 

Vice like you found in that neat chesnut mare, 
Which, bucking freely, threw you, fairly, thrice : 

Vesuvian slopes, which vines and verdure drape, 

Hide furious fires which, one day, must escape. 

xcm. 
Letty, whose temper had been growing heated 

Under the bellows of my lady's rage, 
Now moved from where Jon lately had been seated, 

Just like a frigate going to engage : 
" Madam, you have me in a manner treated 

Quite unbecoming to your rank and age ; 
I felt to Duan as to a dear brother, 
And he tells me you 've been to him a mother. 

xciv. 
"Why, therefore, Madam, anger should you show, 

Because I came to see him, having read, 
Altho' the news had travelled very slow, 

He'd had a fall, and had been left for dead ; 
Why was I wrong in setting forth to know 

If there was truth in what the papers said ? 
Jon Duan is my own accepted lover, 
Why should I from the world my true love cover ? 

xcv. 
Potent is truth, and potent, too, is candour — 

The latter may be now and then excessive, 
As in some lines of Walter Savage Landor ; 

But there was nothing wrong, or too aggressive, 
In Letty's words ; for she was bound to stand or 

Fall by faith in Duan — who, digressive 
From virtuous paths, should be received with 

more joy, 
Than if he'd always been an honest, poor boy. 

xcvi. 
The moment came, and with it came the man ; 

It was too much for Duan to rest longer ; 
So, gathering his strength, he thus began : 

" I would not wish in any way to wrong her, 



Who's been so kind to me ; and when I scan 
The kindness of her ladyship, feel stronger 
To declare I shall remain for life her debtor, 
And that no woman could be kinder, better ; 

XCVII. 

" Still, and with shame I am obliged to own it, 

However kindly Lady May has nursed me, 
My loyalty is due, where I've not shown it, — 
To Letty Lethbridge ; for, cruel fate has 
cursed me 
With a weak nature — oh ! how I bemoan it — 
Which has brought grief to you two, and 
immersed me 
In what I thoroughly deserve — a slough of des- 
pond — 
'Twould serve me right if some one said a 
horse-pond." 

XCVIII. 

But it avails not to prolong the view 
Of this unhappy meeting of the three ; 

'Tis better to get each out of the stew 
As best we can ; and Duan will agree 

He'd rather be one of a Lascar crew 

Under a Yankee "boss," or " up a tree/' ; 

Or be in any sort of bad condition, 

Than stay in that room, in his then position. 

XCIX. 

So plucking up his courage and his strength, — 
" Lady Maria, I will take my leave," 

He said ; and saying, rose, erect, full length, — 
"Miss Lethbridge," turning to the girl, "I 
grieve 

That my misconduct should (here a parenth- 
Esis occurred from failing breath) — I grieve 

I have occasioned so much pain to friends — 

I will do all I can to make amends." 

c. 
And bowing "farewell" to her ladyship — 

As, with a courtesy, Letty went out too, — 
Duan, with faltering step and many a "trip," 
Passed down the stairs, and then the door 
went through, 
Into the grounds, where to his trembling lip 
Came from the beating heart, " Thank God, 
I do, 
That that is over." So do we sincerely ; 
The printers, too, whose patience we've tried, 
dearly. 



JON DUAN. 



'5 





Canto The Second. 



E sing our Court — select, sedate, demure, 
Bound in the virtuous chainsVictoria forges ; 
So good, so dull, so proper, and so pure, 
And O ! so different from her Uncle George's — 
That " first of gentlemen," who, it seems sure, 

Was fond of " life" and bacchanalian orgies ; 
That blood relation of " our kings to be," 
Who did not spell his " quean" with double " e ." 

II. 

How great the change ! the courtly newsman's pen 
Has never now to rise above the level 

Of commonplace particulars, save when 
Victoria in her Highland home holds revel, 

And dances with her Scotch dependents then, 
As though she'd learned the castanets at Seville — 

Not that with such vivacity we quarrel — 

But why does she confine it to Balmoral ? 

ill. 
We wish our Queen would dance a little more, 

Would follow Queen Elizabeth's example ; 
And of her powers upon the dancing-floor 

Would give us Englishmen, down south, a, 
sample. 
That Scots alone are favoured makes us sore, 

For surely London loyalty's as ample : 
And, with all deference, we think it silly 
To dance a reel with gamekeeper or gillie. 

IV. 

How " Good Queen Bess " danced, history relates — 
You find it in her memoirs by Miss Aikin, 

" High and disposedly" she danced, as states 
Quaint Sir James Melvil, who was somewhat 
shaken 

By what he saw ; and yet we find by dates 
Her age then may at twenty-nine be taken — 

A by no means too great age for a maiden 

To dance, although with Queenly duties laden. 

v. 

And yet the people talked, and wagged their chins, 
To hear the English Church's head was danc- 
ing ;* 

But now, when England's Sovereign begins 
To step it — vide note 2 — we're not romancing — 



JON DC/AN. 



We're rather glad, nor care a pair of pins, 

Though she in years is certainly advancing ; 
But, as we've said, its only right and fair, 
Royal partners should be picked out with more care. 

VI. 

When, too, our virgin monarch ruled the land 
(And, by the way, there's doubt of her virginity), 

She showed for certain nobles, great and grand, 
A manifest and somewhat warm affinity; 

And favourites ruled her Court, we understand, 
And queenly heart as well, and the divinity 

That hedges kings and queens— see Shakspeare's 
plays — 

Was at a discount, rather, in those days. 

VII. 

Now quite another scene is being enacted 
(Our Queen has morals far above suspicion), 

And quite another way our Sovereign's acted, 
A way not wholly fitting her position ; — 

For now the British public's ear's attracted 
By circumstantial tales of the admission 

Of menial Scotchmen to the royal favour ; — 

This does not of the regal instinct savour. 

VIII. 

Cophetua loved a beggar-maid, 'tis true, 

But that was passion, love has some excuse ; 

But how excuse the Sovereign who can view 
A set of stalwart gillies, sans the trews, 

With what we call a preference undue ? 
Not that our Lady has no right to choose, 

But — wishing to be loyally obedient, — 

We still assert such friendship's not expedient. 

IX. 

If she'd have councillors, and friends, and guides, 
Let her choose them 'mongst British gentlemen ; 

And not select them from Scotch mountain-sides, 
Nor pick them from the crofter's smoky den ; 

Nor trust the adventurers Germany provides, 
Nor furnish tattle for the reckless pen 

By efforts vain— the adage old and terse is— 

To make the sow's ears into silken purses. 

x. 

It is not seemly that the servants 7 hall 
* Should form a Court, nor that the servants there 
Should be the sole invites to a ball 
Which the Queen graces with her presence rare ; 



Nor that she only hold high carnival 

When her Scotch servants marry ; 'tis not fair 
To us, who royal smiles are never rich in, 
To find them lavished freely on her kitchen. 

XI. 
It may be pleasing, in a way, to hear 

The luck of Ballater, and Braemar Glen ; 
How there our Sovereign for half the year 

Retires from midst the haunts of Englishmen, 
And spends her morning, dropping the sad tear, 

And building Albert cairns on every Ben — 
Then courts reaction in the afternoons, 
By hearing Willie Blair play Scottish tunes. 

XII. 

Or taking tea in some dependent's cottage, 
Or seeing poor old widow Farquharson, 

Or sharing some 'cute Highland woman's pottage, 
Or choosing for a gillie her stout son ; — 

But such things smack a "wee" too much of dotage, 
To make us happy when we hear they're done ; 

We want our Queen, in whom such duties rests, 

To come and entertain her Royal guests. 

XIII. 

Come, if you please, Victoria, do not waste 
Your, valued time 'midst stalwart grooms and 
keepers, — 

We dare not question your most royal taste, 
Or we would add, cut off the "widow's weepers," — 

Come back to us to do your duties, haste; 
And leave old memories among the sleepers ; 

And if for quiet you still sometimes burn, 

Let Ireland, long-neglected, have its turn. 

XIV. 

Nor make the Crathie church a raree-show, 
To which the enterprising landlords run 

Post-chaises, omnibuses, to and fro, 
Crowded with tourists eager for the fun 

Of scrambling for the places whence they know 
A good view of their Sovereign may be won — 

And, in a spirit less devout than jocular, 

Their eyesight aid with Dollond's binocular. 

XV. 

They turn their backs on altar and on preacher, 
For the best pews with golden bribes they treat, 

Regardless of the words of our great Teacher— 
" Make not My house a money-changer's seat !" — 



JON DUAN 




THE CENTRE AND RIGHT.— A "Coup de M'Mahon." 



JON DUAN. 



17 



Forgetting God, they gaze up at his creature. 

Your Majesty, this, surely, is not meet : — 
Then they slip out as soon as they are able, 
And make the tombstones serve as luncheon-table. 

XVI. 
O, stop this crying scandal, if you please, 

Encourage not this sacrilege so shocking ; 
Let not the tourists push, and rush, and squeeze, 

Like London roughs to play-house gallery 
flocking ; 
Nor let next summer bring such scenes as these, 

All that is sacred so completely mocking. 
It can on no pretence be right and proper, a 
House of God should be "Her Majesty's Opera!" 

XVII. 
What is there in stern Caledonia's air 

That makes our Sovereign forget her grief? 
We wish profoundly she'd conceal her care 

From English subject as from Scottish fief. 
For we be loyal too, and cannot bear 

The Gael should solely give our Queen relief — 
That Highland pibrochs should her joys enhance, 
Whilst we pipe on in vain to make her dance. 

XVIII. 

Surely would sing all England a Te Deum 
If she could her beloved Queen persuade 

To lock for once and all the Mausoleum, 
To leave in peace the dear, departed shade ; 

Be less the egoiste, think less of " meum," 

Save hard-worked ministers, and commerce aid, 

By ending her seclusion ; — and to lean, 

Being still a woman, to be more a Queen ! 

XIX. 

We know her virtues — how she drives and walks, 
And goes to church with charming regularity ; 

We know her business tact — how well she talks 
On politics ; we know her gracious charity 

To German poverty — ('tis true, want stalks 
In Osborne Cottages : why this disparity 

We cannot say, though surely what is right 

In Gotha, 's ditto in the Isle of Wight). 

XX. 
We know, we say, how very pure our Queen is, 

And what a manager ! and what a mother ! 
But, though all this so very plainly seen is, 

We cannot quite our discontentment smother. 



Her virtues we admire ; — but what we mean is, 
Of two moves she should choose the onf or 
t'other : — 
The one is — Coming out amongst the nation ; 
The other — Going in for Abdication. 

XXI. 

'Tis give and take. If we continue loyal — 
And we are so without the slightest doubt — 

We certainly expect our lady royal 

Will keep a court, and not aye fret and pout,— * 

Water without a fire will cease to boil, 
And loyalty unshone on may go out. ' 

If shining on it is not in her line, 

Then let the Son appear and have a shine ! 

XXII. 

We do not pay our Sovereign to hide 

In northern solitudes, however sweet; 
We want to view her in her pomp and pride, 

And cheer her in the park and in the street ; 
We want her in our midst and at our side, 

To grace our triumphs and our joys complete. 
It does not seem a dignified position 
To put Great Britain's sceptre in commission. 

XXIII. 

Our Royal Mistress, yet, should have her due, — 
She did come up to town a bit last season ; 

May she, next year, again, that course pursue, 
And longer stay — we trust this is not treason — 

Indeed, we personally yield to few 

In loyalty; and therein lies the reason 

Why on her Gracious Majesty we call 

To heed the handwriting upon the wall. 

XXIV. 

Well, as we've said, last season saw the Queen 
In London ; and, most marvellous to say, 

Whilst she was ling'ring sadly on the scene, 
She held a drawing-room herself one day : 

And, naturally, with ardour very keen, 

Our fairest rushed their compliments to pay. 

Duan, of course, as in his bounden duty, 

Was in attendance at the beck of beauty. 

XXV. 

He wish'd, sans dotite, that beauty had not bsckon'd, \ 
For drawing-rooms were not in Duan's line, — 

Most etiquette insuff'rable he reckon'd, 
And hated going out to dance or dine; 



i8 



JON DUAN. 




Nor could he tolerate a single second, 
The social miseries that we incline 
To call, good God ! in their inane variety, 
The usages of elegant society. 

XXVI. 

Despite which, to the " drawing-room" he went, 
For beauty draws, we know, with single hairs, 

(And paints with hares' feet, we might add, if bent 
On being cynical, authorial bears ; 

But as to be so is not our intent, 

Our muse to no such cruel length repairs, 

But simply adds that our great hero's knock 

Was heard in Clarges Street at twelve o'clock). 

XXVII. 

Beauty was ready, in a low-necked dress, 
That showed more shoulder, certainly, than sense ; 

And dragged behind a train in all the mess, 

That might have served, at just the same expense, 

To cover up a bust which, we confess, 
Was fair to see, but might p'rhaps give offence 

To leaner sisters and to envious tongues — 

Not to forget the danger to her lungs. 

XXVIII. 

Beauty's mamma, a Countess of four-score, 

Showed even more of charms, though they were 
bony ; 
And with a dress, than Beauty's even lower, 

Displayed much skin, the hue of macaroni ; 
Whilst in a wig most palpable, she wore 

Three ostrich plumes, — poor Duan gave a 
groan, he 
Felt tempted sore to get up an eruption 
'Gainst going to Court with such bedecked cor- 
ruption. 

XXIX. 

What sight on God's earth can be more disgusting 

Than painted, powder'd, and made-up old age ? 
Its scragginess on the beholder thrusting, 

And fighting time with feeble, wrinkled rage ; 
Covering with tinsel what has long been rusting, 

And writing hideous lies upon life's page. 
Ruins, when left alone, are often grand, 
But worthless when they show the plasterer's hand. 

xxx. 
But there's no time to moralise like this, — 

The carriage of the Countess waits below, 
And offering his arm to ma' and miss, 

Our hero hands them in, and off they go 



JON DUAN 



f9 



To plunge into the yaw-yawning abyss, 

And mingle with the never-ceasing flow 
That fills the Mall and Bird-cage Walk, intent 
To crowd and take the Social Sacrament. 

XXXI. 

Full soon the bloated coachman had to stop 
His horses, as the carriage falls in line ; 

And from the curious crowd begin to drop 
Remarks that made Jon Duan much incline 

Out of the door of the barouche to pop, 
And visit them with punishment condign ; 

Though all they said to put him in a passion 

Was, " I say, here's an old ewe dressed lamb- 
fashion ! » 

XXXII. 

A tedious hour went by : the carriage crawled 
By slow degrees, and made its way by inches ; 

The people chaffd and cheer'd ; the p'licemen 
bawled, 
But not a high-born dame or maid that flinches. 

Nor would they, one of them, have been appall'd 
Had all of Purgatory's pains and pinches 

To be passed through to gain St. James's portal, 

And courtesy low before a royal mortal ! 

XXXIII. 

At last the gate is gained where sentries stand, 
Nor aim the inroad of the great to stay, 

But grimly watch the fairest of the land 
As they pass in to mix in the wild fray ; 

To join the seething, surging, swaying band 
That pushes on, its best respects to pay 

To her, who for a whim — it can't be malice — 

Will use what our Jeames calls St. James's " Palice.'*' 

XXXIV. 

And then and there was hurrying to and fro, 
And hustling crowds, and symptoms of distress ; 

And cheeks all pale, which but an hour ago 
Blush'd at the sight of their own loveliness ; 

And there were sudden rents and sounds of woe, 
As skirts were torn and trampled in the press ; 

Till Beauty, who that day was first presented, 

Thought all "Who's Who" were certainly demented. 

xxxv. 
She clung to Duan's arm, and there was need, 

For like a wave the well-dressed mob surged on, 
Went pouring forward with impetuous speed, 

Till she had been o'erwhelmed but for our Jon. 



As 'twas, a rowel made her ankle bleed, 

And scores of feet her long train trod upon, 
Till, well-nigh fainting, and with terror dumb, 
She almost wished that she had never come. 

xxxvi. 
Beauty's mamma, a tried old dowager, 

Made better progress, worked her skinny arms 
In neighbouring sides, till they made way for her, 

And op'ed a passage for her bony charms ; 
She'd often pass'd the ordeal ; so the stir 

Filled her old crusty breast with no alarms ; 
Indeed, she must have been devoid of feeling, 
As though her frame had undergone annealing. 

XXXVII. 

Thus on they struggled, inch by inch, and stair 
By stair ; now losing, now a little gaining ; 

As though it were a life and death affair — 
As though the goal to which they all 
straining 

Were worth an endless lot of wear and tear, 
And efforts manifold, and arduous training — 

As though, indeed, this courtly presentation 

Worked out their future and their full salvation. 

XXXVIII. 

Still, 'tis no secret what they went to see, 
A widow'd lady ; getting near three-score ; 

Still mourning, in a costume " cap"-i-^z>, 
One dead some thirteen years ago and more ; 

An estimable lady as may be, 
Yet looking on the whole thing as a bore. 

Can we, if we dispassionately handle 

The subject, say the game is worth the candle? 

xxxix. 
Duan thought not. If you the crown respect, 

Go to the Tower and see the whole regalia, 
It costs but sixpence ; or if you affect 

The royal person, 'midst the penetralia 
Of Tussaud's wax-works you may soon detect 

The waxen effigy ; and slobber daily a 
Kiss or two upon the figure's garments, 
To show you are not democratic "varmints." 

XL. 
But as to putting on absurd attire, 

And running risks of damage and mishap, 
Exposing corns and clothes to danger dire 

To see a woman in a widow's cap — 



20 



JON DUAN. 



George IV. As portrayed by the Tories. 




Who's your fat friend?" — Beau Brummel. 
(From the Originals, published by Hone.) 



Jon did not to such ecstasy aspire ; 

In point of fact, he did not care a rap — 
'Spite all the gushing of the penny journals — 
To gaze at royalty sans its externals : 

XLI. 

But thousands do and thousands did that day, 
Whose history, so far, has been related : 

And as these rhymes must not go on for aye, 
We think that Beauty long enough has waited 

Upon the stairs ; we'll take her from the fray, 
And, with her pleasure all but dissipated, 

We'll pass her on, as Yankees put it, slickly, 

And bring her to the presence-chamber quickly. 

XLII. 

Stay ! for thy tread is where a sovereign sits ! 

An Empire's Queen is seated on that chair ! 
Nor let a palsy overwhelm thy wits, 

When thou perceiv'st she is not lonely there ; — 
Nor sink into the earth ; since fate permits 

Thine eyes to rest — if thou the sight canst bear — 
On Princes and Princesses, fecund found, 
In Guelphic lavishness arranged around. 

XLIII. 

See ! there is Albor's eldest, — language fails 
To write the reverence his fac ^ inspires : 

The sight of Coming K our jolour pales, 

Till loyalty lights up our facial fires. 

God bless, by all means, Albert Prince of Wales ! 
For certainly His blessing he requires. 

Though happily we long ago have sunk all 

Fear that he'll turn out like his gross great-uncle. 

XLIV. 

We do not mean the Duke of York, that cheat 
Who, saving that of nature, paid no debts ; 

Nor Sussex, that nonentity complete, 
Whose failings, fortunately, one forgets ; 

Nor mean we Clarence, that buffoon effete 
Whose reign each loyal Englishman regrets — 

Rascal or madman, it is hard to class him : 

See for yourselves in "Greville's Memoirs" passim. 

XLV. 

We mean that other brother foul and false, 
That vulgar ruffian* whom no oath restrained ; 

That bloated sot, who when too fat to valse, 

Was fit for nothing; that coarse king who's gained 

* Dailp-News, Oct. 31, 1874. 



JON DUAN. 



More obloquy from history's assaults 

Than any monarch who has o'er us reigned. 
We would not visit harshly mere frivolity, 
But where in George was one redeeming quality ? 

XLVI. 

He lied ; he swore ; he was obscene and lewd ; 

And rakish past e'en what's a regal latitude ; 
He broke his word; his duties he eschew'd ; 

He understood not what was meant by gratitude ; 
The two great aims in life that he pursued 

Were how to dress and how to strike an attitude — 
Another king so mean and vile as he, 
And England's kingly race would cease to be. 

XLVII. 

He was an utter brute, a sceptred thing, 
A vampire sucking out his country's life ; 

Eclectic in his vice, a compound king, 
Charles to his people, Henry to his wife. 

Better by far that time again should bring 
A Henry, or a Charles, and plunge in strife 

Our country, than that it should e'er disgorge 

Another heartless, soulless wretch like George. 

XLVIII. 

Our Heir-apparent will not be like this — 
He mayn't be brilliant, but he is not brutal ; 

He may be simple, but it's not amiss 
If that is all he is : he will not suit all 

Tastes and desires, but it is well, we wis — 
Though our opinion here may meet refutal — 

Since kings are now for us but gilded toys, 

To have one who won't make a fuss and noise. 

XLIX. 

Thank God ! the eldest son's not like his sire, 
A meddling, mean, and over- rated man ; 

A Bailiff on the throne we don't require, 
However neatly he may scheme and plan 

To make a property's return grow higher. 
We can't forget the w r ay Alb or began 

His steward's work ; with what a screwy touch he 

Wrung increased revenue from Cornwall's duchy. 



No one can say that our A. E. is stingy — 
Indeed, his failing lies the other way ; 

Yet, though he on his capital infringe, he 
Spends his money in a British way. 



The coming Court will not be quite so dingy 

As that o'er which his royal mamma has sway. 
And though our notion may be very shocking, 
We don't like sovereigns who "make a stocking." 

LI. 

Nor love we princes who have not large hearts — 
Nor love we much the Duke of Edinburgh ; 

He lives too late. A young man of his parts 
Would well have represented a " close" borough. 

As 'tis, no thought incongruous ever starts 

At finding him a Scotchmen's duke, for thorough 

Is the connection 'twixt them, though 'tis troubling 

To find that he 's not dubbed the Duke of Doubling. 

LII. 

A sailor should be generous and hearty ; 

An English prince 'fore all should not be mean; 
And whilst rememb'ring statements made ex parte 

Must not be credited too much, we glean 
That modern Athens' duke, however smart he 

Upon the fiddle plays, yet has not been 
So wise as to despise all petty things, 
And keep his scrapings for his fiddle-strings. 

LIII. 

We had a hope, being married, he'd improve — 
He had a lot of money with his Mary, — 

We'll wish some generous impulses will move 
Our new Princess, and that, like some good fairy, 

She'll lift her Alfred from his stingy groove, 
And make him for the future very chary 

Of any acts like those of him recorded, 

Which are, to put it mildly, mean and sordid. 

Liv. 
It gives our enemies so good a handle 

To chaff our institutions and our crown, 
When princes make themselves a peg for scandal, 

And furnish tittle-tattle for the town. 
For they should clearly learn to firm withstand all 

Fishy transactions sliming their renown ; 
And those who're near the Princess should advise 

her 
On no account let Alfred be a miser. 

LV. 

Nor let him show the instincts of a trader ; 

Nor bargain with his friends in search of gain ; 
But, that his actions never may degrade her, 

Let him from City ways henceforth refrain. 



22 



JON DUAN. 





Thumb-Nail Sketches from The Academy. 



His star is now most surely in its nadir, 
But there is time the zenith to regain ; 
Then we will let the Malta business * slip, 
And not remember his Australian trip. 

LVI. 

And whilst addressing Marie, we may add 
We hope it is not true she made a fuss, 

And summoned to her aid her royal dad, 
Because a princess who's most dear to us 

Declined to listen to her foolish fad, 
Or questions of precedence to discuss. 

But if 'tis true, then Marie must take care 

Lest she is called the little Russian Bear. 

LVI I. 

Our coming Monarch's Consort's loved most 
dearly, 

Loyal respect for her is most emphatic ; 
And whosoever her attacks, is clearly 

By no means well-advised or diplomatic ; 
We'll trust that Marie knew no better, merely 

Having been bred in Russ ways autocratic. 
Yet, for the future, if she'd keep her place, 
She mustn't show the Tartar, but learn grace. 

LVIII. 

But all this time the royal party waits — 

Louise and Arthur, Uncle George and Lome ; 

And pretty 'Trixy, who, if rumour states 
The truth, will soon be to the altar borne. 

See Christian, too, who doubtless stands and rates 
His luck, that from his Fatherland he 's torn. 

Poor fellow ! notice his dejected carriage — 

He's thinking of his morganatic marriage. 



LIX. 
He's thinking of the frau he left behind him, 

Of sauer-kraut perchance, and Lager beer ; 
And wondering that the skein the Parcae wind him 

Has guided him so comfortably here ; 
With such a kind mamma-in-law to find him 

In pocket-money, and with lots a year 
As ranger of an English park— 'Tis strange 
How those dear Germans like our parks to range. t 

* As boys say— Ask the " Governor" to'tell you the story. 

f "I will be thy park, and thou shalt be my deer."— 
Shakspeare's Venus and Adonis. 



JON DUAN. 



23 



LX. 

At home they starve, but here they live in clover ; 

Our best positions are at their command : 
Since Coburg-Gotha's prince to us came over, 

Legions of Deutchland's princelings seek our 
land ; 
And Queenly eyes and ears swiftly discover 

The hidden virtues of that German band. 
But though we've had experience of dozens, 
There's not much love lost for these German- 
" cozens." 

LXI. 

A look of anger spreads o'er Kamdux' face, 
As though the Siliad he just had read. 

The officer would be in sorry case 

Who now approached our army's titled head ; 

For Uncle George does not belie his race, 
But swears and blusters — so the Siliad said— 

As though he had been one of those commanders 

Who fought years since with Corporal Trim in 
Flanders. 

LXII. 

His mind is very likely burdened now 
With doubts about his army's straps and buckles; 

And care is seated on his massive brow, 
Because he fears how military " suckles " 

Will to his next new button-edict bow ; 
Whilst many a line his Guelphic features puckles 

As he decides he will, in any case, 

Curtail the width of sergeant-majors' lace. 

LXIII. 

And here our muse breaks off to sing All hail, 
Great army tailor ! and hail ! Prince Com- 
mander, 

Thou burker of reforms, that needs must fail 
Whilst statesmen to the Georgic wishes pander ; 

Thou duke of details ! 'tis of no avail, 

Except for rhyme, to call thee Alexander : — 

For when thou sittest down to weep and falter, 

Tis 'cause thou'st no more uniforms to alter. 

LXIV. 

Now, look at poor young Lome — his face averring 
That, though a royal princess he has got, 

He's neither fish, nor joint, nor good red-herring, 
Thanks to the special nature of his lot ; 

Snubbed by the Court : the world beneath inferring 
He's now no part in it — he p'rhaps is not 

So happy as he might be, and may rue 

He ever played so very high for " Loo." 



LXV. 

Too long our blushing Beauty's been neglected, 
It's now her turn to figure on the scene. 

For months a mistress has her steps directed, 
That she herself may properly demean, 

May backwards walk, and bow low, as expected 
When subjects dare to pass before their Queen. 

All natural instincts have to be dispersed, 

When that play called "Society" 's rehearsed. 

LXVI. 

Society ! O what a hideous sham 

Is veiled and masked beneath that specious 
name ! 
Society ! its mission is to damn, 

To curse, and blight ; to burn with withering 
flame 
All that is worthiest in us — to cram 

The world with polished hypocrites, who claim 
To sin, of right — Society has said it — 
And think their crimes are greatly to their credit ! 

LXVII. 

What worships rank, and makes a god of gold ? 

What turns fair women into painted frights ? 
What tempts to vice and villainy untold ? 

And claims from all of us its devilish rites ? 
What prompts ambition, base and uncontrolled ? 

What never on the side of mercy fights ? 
What causes sin in horrible variety ? — 
Mostly, the demon that we call Society. 

LXVIII. 

'Tis in obedience to its unwrit laws 
We bow beneath the iron yoke of Fashion ; 

In its stern edicts see the primal cause 
Why we as sin treat every healthy passion — 

Why we a daughter sell, without a pause, 
As though she were a Georgian or Circassian — 

Yet shudder when we meet a painted harlot, 

And say, " Thank God ! " that she is not our 
Charlotte. 

LXIX. 

And what is Charlotte, then, in Heaven's name ? 

She did not love the fellow that she married ; 
But he some hundred thousand pounds could claim, 

And such a weapon could not well be parried.* 

* Although, be it observed, the weapon in question was 
undoubtedly "blunt." 



24 



JON DUAN. 






She sold herself for life.— Is't not the same 

As though the sale but brief possession carried ? 
We think it worse — though Mother Church has 

prayed 
The sordid union may be fruitful made. 

LXX. 

And yet Society makes much of Charlotte, 
And takes her to its bosom with delight, 

Receives effusively the life-long harlot — 
But curses her who sins but for a night, 

Expels her from its midst — her sins are scarlet, 
And ne'er can be atoned for in its sight. 

Thus serves two ends — the Social Evil nourishing, 

And keeping the Divorce Court cause-list flourish- 
ing. 

LXXI. 

But it is vain of us to run a-tilt 

Against Society with bitter verses, 
Its fabric is by far too firmly built 

To yield to them ; it only yields to purses. 
We will not longer linger on its guilt, 

Save to bestow upon it final curses, 
And in the name of all that's pure and holy, 
Denounce it and its sinful doings wholly ! 

LXXII. 

In Beauty's name denounce it ; — though but twenty, 
She'd learn'd some of its lessons from her mother; 

She'd learn'd to feign the dolcefar niente i 
And how her appetite to check and smother ; 

She'd learned to lace too tight — to use a plenty 
Of toilet adjuncts : rouge, and many another 

Such weighty preparation. — Gott in Himmel ! 

He's much to answer for, has Monsieur Rimmel. 

LXXIII. 

She'd learn'd to flirt, and calmly to cast off 

The man she'd loved, when he his money lost; 

She had a lisp and an affected cough, 
And valued things according to their cost. 

She'd practised, too, the usual sneer and scoff, 
And could not bear her slightest wishes cross'd ; 

In fact, although out of her teens but lately, 

She had advanced in worldly knowledge greatly. 

LXXIV. 

Still, as we've said, 'twas her first drawing-room. 

She'd been in mobs before at "drums" and dances, 
But ne'er before this had it been her doom 

To mix in such a mob as that which chances 



'ON DUAN. 



25 



When Queen Victoria comes forth from her gloom, 

And, following out one of her widowed fancies, 
Won't hold receptions where there's space to 

spare, 
But at St. James's has a crush and scare. 



LXXV. 

'Twas well she had Jon Duan at her side 
To whisper in her ear and make her brave ; 

"Now, go!" he said, when Beauty's name was 
cried ; 
And Beauty did go then, and by a shave 

Just managed not to fall down, as she tried 
To show the Queen she knew how to behave, 

By walking backwards, when she'd courtesied low, 

And had out at a distant door to go. 



LXXVI. 

Court etiquette of course must be maintained ; 

But, in the name of common sense and reason, 
This "backwards" business long enough has 
reigned ; 

Such fooleries have long since had their season. 
If subjects from such crab-like steps refrained, 

Lese-majeste, wouldst call it, or high treason ? 
Surely one can the Sovereign love and honour, 
Although his back were sometimes turned upon 
her. 

LXXVII. 

Poor Beauty had a very near escape, 

For, as she from the presence retrograded, 

A gouty General interposed his shape ; 

And had not watchful Duan once more aided, 

His charge had fell into a pretty scrape. 
As 'twas, the warrior's steel her train invaded, 

And, making in it quite a deep incision, 

Writ 'mongst its folds much long and short division. 



LXXVIII. 

Still she escaped uninjured save in dress, 
And that was cause for some congratulation 

Though at that stage 'twas early to express 
A sense of gratitude or exultation ; 

For there was yet to come, we must confess, 
The worst alarm, the greatest consternation. 

To get in was a "caution ;" sans a. doubt, 

'Twas twenty times more trouble to get out ! 



LXXIX. 

It was but quitting frying-pan for fire, 
'Twas very "hot," poor Beauty quickly found; 

The crowd was worse ; the temperature was higher ; 
And there were swords that hitched, and heels 
that ground ; — 

Patrician faces glared with anger dire, 
Patricians strove like porkers in a pound ; 

And many plainly muttered observations 

Sounded extremely like to execrations. 

LXXX. 

Two hours they pushed and pressed from pen to 
pen, 

And there was nothing there to drink or eat ; 
A biscuit and a glass of wine would, then, 

Have fetched a price we scarcely dare repeat, — 
For tender girls were faint ; and lusty men 

For very hunger scarce could keep their feet. 
Meantime, the Sovereign serenely rests 
Upon her chair, nor troubles 'bout her guests. 



LXXXI. 

Thus Duan thought :— "'Tis inconsiderate, very ; 

Either hold drawing-rooms where there is space, 
Or give the weary guests a glass of sherry, 

When they've to struggle so from place to place ; 
The cost would not be so extraordinary — 

The boon would priceless be in many a case; 
For it is apt both strong and weak to ' flummox,' 
To push for several hours on empty stomachs ! " 



LXXXII. 

Beauty, for instance, had no breakfast eaten, 
Excitement took away her appetite ; — 

By one o'clock she felt she was dead-beaten : 
But there was not a chance of sup or bite. 

At four, resignedly, she took her seat on 
A chair our hero found, and fainted quite ; 

And then for twenty minutes she'd to stay 

Before her mother's carriage stopped the way 



LXXXIII. 

And what a scene she left !— of fainting girls, 
And gasping duchesses, and sinking dames ; 

Confusion everywhere the people whirls, 

'Midst hasty shouts and calling out of names ; 



26 



JON DUAN, 




And all the ground is strewn with scraps and curls, 

And shreds of stuff and beads which no one claims, 

Whilst England's highest-born, with might and 

main, 
Fight like a gallery crowd at Drury Lane. 

LXXXIV. 

The morn beheld them full of lusty life, 
In radiant toilets decked and proudly gay : 

Four hours of pushing toil and crushing strife, 
And who so tattered and so limp as they? 

Now rents are everywhere and rags are rife — 
Destruction has succeeded to display ; 

And wondrous costumes, "built" by foreign artistes, 

Are wreck'd and ruined like the Bonapartists ! 

LXXXV. 

Sweet Mistress, why let such a scandal be, 
When thy fond subjects flock to see thy face ? 

Thou wilt now to its reformation see, 
And act as doth become thy royal race ; 

For all that read this will with us agree, 
That such a state of things is a disgrace. 

And if your Majesty won't trust our rhymes, 

We just refer you to last July's " Times." 

LXXXVI. 

That night, when Beauty had devoured her dinner, 
And her mamma had filled up all her creases — 

For, truth to tell, that very ancient sinner 
Had almost literally been pulled to pieces — 

Jon Duan, looking p'rhaps a little thinner, 
Sits down, when casual conversation ceases, 

At the piano, and with anger rising, 

Performed the following piece of improvising. 



Wi)t M0tit al Iteljjraiua. 

i. 

The Belgravians came down on the Queen in her 

hold, 
And their costumes were gleaming with purple 

and gold, 
And the sheen of their jewels was like stars on the 

sea, 
As their chariots roll'd proudly down Piccadill-ee. 



JON DUAN. 



27 



Like the leaves of Le Follet when summer is green, 

That host in its glory at noontide was seen ; 

Like the leaves of a toy-book all thumb-marked 

and worn, 
That host four hours later was tattered and torn. 

3- 

For the crush of the crowd, which was eager and 

vast, 
Had rumpled and ruin'd and wreck'd as it pass'd ; 
And the eyes of the wearer wax'd angry in haste, 
As gathers just sewn were dragged out at the waist. 

4. 
And there lay the feather and fan, side by side, 
But no longer they nodded or waved in their pride ; 
And there lay lace flounces, and ruching in slips, 
And spur-torn material in plentiful strips. 

5- 

And there were odd gauntlets, and pieces of hair ; 
And fragments of back-combs, and slippers were 
there : 



And the gay were all silent ; their mirth was all 

hush'd ; 
Whilst the dew-drops stood out on the brows of 

the crush'd. 

6. 

And the dames of Belgravia were loud in their wail, 
And the matrons of Mayfair all took up the tale ; 
And they vow, as they hurry, unnerved, from the 

scene, 
That it's no trifling matter to call on the Queen. 

LXXXVII. 
Soon after, seeing Beauty was so weary, 
Jon Duan press'd her hand and said " Good- 
bye ! " 
And, fancying that his room would be too dreary, 

He bade a hansom to far Fulham hie. 
Why he should go down there we leave a query, 
Lest some who read these lines should say 
"Fie! fie!" 
Though from this hint we cannot well refrain, 
That p'rhaps he wished to go to " court" again. 



1 The well-known exclamation of the Spanish Ambassador 
to Elizabeth's Court — " I have seen the head of the English 
Church dancing ! " — may be remembered. To his notion 
there was something strikingly incongruous in the grave and 
lawful governess of the Church stepping it merrily with the 
favourite gentlemen of the Court. What would that Spanish 
Ambassador have exclaimed had he witnessed the scene 
detailed in the next note ? What should we think now of 
Elizabeth if she had danced with a stable-help? 



2 Her Majesty gave a ball at Balmoral, on Friday. In 
the course of the evening Her Majesty danced for the first 
time since the death of the Prince Consort. She danced 
with Prince Albert Victor and Prince George, sons of the 
Prince of Wales, and afterwards took part in a reel with 
John Brown, her attendant, and Donald Stewart, game- 
keeper. — The Leeds Weekly News, Saturday, June 6th, 1874. 



JON DUAN. 



-4- 



G#'i 




32° 




Thumb-Nail Sketches from The Academy. 



Canto The Third. 



There stands, or once stood, for on several pleas, 
It's most unsafe to use the present tense 

In speaking of these paper argosies 
That pirate daily all a lounger's pence ; 

And have to labour against heavy seas, 
And sail, most of them, in a fog as dense 

As any that rasps London lungs quite raw — 

Then, go to pieces on the rocks of law : 



So there stood once — we'll say once on a time — 
A time when newspapers were not a " spec," 

Consisting in the offering for a dime 

Of seven murders, one rape, ditto wreck, 

Critiques on the Academy, sublime, 

Th^last accouchement of the Princess Teck, 

Fashionable scandals, exits and arrivals — 

All latest news — picked from the morning rivals — 

III. 
There stood, then, but a few doors from the Strand, 

A dingy mansion, such as is best fitted 
To shrine that fourth estate, which rules the land — 

That is to say, outrageously pock-pitted 
And tumble-down, with proofs of devil's hand 

On every door, with windows grimed and gritted, 
And so clothed in old broad-sheets that it stood 
For almanack to all the neighbourhood. 



IV. 
The reader has a character to lose — 

Or one to sell ; and characters are cheap 
In offices of newspapers that choose 

To rather scandalise than let one sleep ; 
And therefore all concerning them is news ; 

And being curious, you long to peep 
At places where they scarify Disraeli, 
Or tell Lord Salisbury his conduct's scaly. 



A crowd of ragamuffins in a court, 

Who wait for papers, playing pitch and toss ; 
Cabmen and loafers ready at retort, 

And generally talking of a " 'uss " ; 



'ON DUAN. 



29 



A dribbling stream who " flimsily" report, 
And feel Sir Roger a tremendous loss ; 
Surely a peeler — sometimes an M.P. ; 
This is the usual mise en scene you see. 



VI. 

Within the temple, order of the sternest 
Prevails, supported by a well-drilled staff. 

Woe to thee, compos., if a pipe thou burnest ! 
Woe to thee, reader, if thou dar'st to laugh ! 

Here everybody must appear in earnest ; 
They're all half theologians here, and half 

Teetotallers ; their aim is strict propriety — 

They're read in families of Quivering piety. 



VII. 

Respectability, you Juggernaut, 

You fetish insular and insolent, 
You're everywhere ! the nation's neck you've 
caught > 

In one big noose — a white cravat; you've sent 
Pecksniff to Parliament, and 'gainst us wrought 

The worst of ills — on humbugs ever bent ; 
But never did we deem you so infernal 
As when you set up your own ha'penny journal. 



VIII. 

There are so many Mrs. Grundys preaching 
A blind obedience to your nods and firmans ; 

There are so many Mr. Podsnaps teaching 

Your gospel to the French and Turks and Ger- 
mans — 

Who're all Bohemian vagrants and want breech- 
ing— 
The stage and pulpit echo with your sermons — 

A thing they never did for Dr. Paley — 

Surely you're not obliged to print them daily ! 



IX. 

But we must bow, for we must read ; — a want 
That makes us more dyspeptic than our sires, 

And also favours an increase of cant ; 

For though to highest thought a man aspires, 

He can't be always reading Hume and Kant, 
Nor Swinburne, nor the rest of the high-flyers. 

The fire divine fatigues — one takes to tapers, 

That is to say, one reads the daily papers. 



x. 

The sheet in question, then, is widely read, 
Chiefly by cabmen — and it's not elating, 

For when they've got that pure prose in their head, 
They always sixpence ask, at least, for waiting. 

Its politics are liberal, too, 'tis said, 
Which means they're radical with silver plating ; 

But all sorts write in it, Rad, Whig, or Tory, 

With any coloured ink, buff, blue, or gory. 



XI. 

Mong writers, printers, clerks, and advertisers, 

All in a hurry and as grave as Job, 
Moved by a noble rage to print the Kaiser's 

Last ukase half an hour before the Globe — 
For that's true journalism, though paid disguisers 

Essay with pompous phrase the truth to robe; — 
Among these, then, Jon Duan passed ; his pocket 
Bulged with MSS. 'twould take an hour to docket. 



XII. 

He went towards the pigeon-hole to which 
The needle's eye of Scripture is a fool — 

That's a mere figure to rebuke the rich — 

Here poor and wealthy find their welcome cool ; — 

Why, Saint Augustine might step from his niche, 
And knock, and they'd not offer him a stool, 

Unless he'd cry " No Popery," or would make 

A speech or two supporting Miss Jex Blake. 

XIII. 
There was another way, and that Jon Duan 

By chance alone and innocently took. 
One gets a civil letter written to one 

By some famed author of a Bill or book — 
If it's a woman— she must be a blue 'un ; 

They'll print the missive forthwith, and will look 
Thankfully on you ; one of their anxieties 
Is to seem popular with notorieties. 

XIV. 

Up went Jon Duan's lucky name, and soon 
With beating heart and pulse his card he followed. 

Downstairs the steam-press hummed its drowsy 
tune, 
Clerks passed in corridors, and urchins hollo'd ; 

He heard naught, but walked on as in a swoon, 
Fancying some free and fearless presence hallowed 



3o 



JON DUAN. 



The creaking floors, the wall's perspiring dim 

blank — ■ 
Spirit of Wilkes, Swift, Junius, Jerrold, Fonblanque. 



XV. 

I see a smile come to the reader's eyes, 
Which view, of course, all things thro' micro- 
scopes, 

And read between the lines of leaders — lies ; 
The reader, naturally, " knows the ropes " 

In these press matters : we apologise ; 
But faith, our hero's sadly young, and hopes 

Love's not all lust nor Liberty an ogress — 

And thinks — the simpleton — the press means pro- 
gress. 

XVI. 
Forgive him. You may hear how he was punished; 
How soon the warm, quick blood oozed cooler, 
calmer ; 
How women laughed at him, and men admonished ; 

How he grew deaf unto the illusive charmer, — 
Was never grieved, delighted, nor astonished, 

Dined, slept, walked, flirted in a suit of armour — 
In short, so perfect got, you scarce could hit on 
A prettier portrait of the ideal Briton. 

XVII. 

But now we have left him innocent and blushing — 
Remembering those manuscripts, before 

A door whereon, awe-struck, he read the crushing, 
August, and gorgeous title : Editor ! 

He cleared his throat, pulled down his cuffs, and 
pushing 
With timid touches' that Plutonian door, 

Which, opening promptly, swung back with a 
slam, — 

He saw the great chief— eating bread and jam ! 

XVIII. 

Jon Duan brought a note from Castelar, 

One from Caprera, one from bold Bazaine ; — 

So he was well received. These heroes are 
Acquaintances of value, for they deign 

Write numerous letters on the Carlist war, 

Peace Congresses, Courts Martial ; and it's plain 

Each one's a puff for which he thanks them deeply — 

Besides, they serve to fill the paper cheaply. 



XIX. 

After Jon Duan had been sagely pumped, 
Concerning all he'd seen in his excursions, 

He mustered up some confidence, and plumped 
Into the theme of literary exertions. 

He said: "I am, Sir, what you may call— stumped" — 
(The chief sighed at neologists' perversions) — 

"I've loved, loafed, danced, drank, gambled, and 
played polo ; 

I'd try at Journalism — tho' they say it's so low ! 

xx. 
" I want to write — above all to be printed ; 

The modern mania burns within my breast. 
I've some experience, as I just now hinted, 
Perhaps 'twould give my articles a zest. 

Would, now, this sonnet " Here his listener 

squinted « 

At a broadsheet a boy presented. " Pest !" 
Exclaimed the Editor ; " the sub's wits wander, 
Tell him to put in ' Latest from Santander !'" 

xxi. 
Then, blandly turning round: "You mentioned 
Verses ! 

Young man, you're in a very vicious path. 
They are among an Editor's chief curses. 

I have now — pray don't whisper it in Gath — 
Three spinsters who have met with sore reverses, 

Ten Tuppers, seven Swinburnes, very wroth, 
All writing daily and requesting answers 
Concerning all their madrigals and " stanzers." 

XXII. 

Of course, Jon Duan said he'd naught in common 
With humble rhymsters, who essay to climb 

Parnassus in list slippers. He'd seen human 
Nature almost in every phase and clime ; 

And didn't sing the usual song of Woman 
In Alexandrines, elephants of rhyme ; 

He'd read a specimen— and really grew so 

Pressing, at last the bland chief bade him do so. 



Her dress is high, and there's nothing within. 

Polished in Clapham, its pale flowers' pick, 
She is just twenty-one and spruce as a pin, — 

Her head is the only thing she has thick. 



JON DUAN. 



3i 



A meagre bosom, and shoulder, and mind, 
A meagre mouth, that will never miss 

The tender touch it will never find — 
The passionate pulse of a lover's kiss. 

The eyes speak no language, much less a soul ; 

The brows are faint, and the forehead is spare, 
And low and empty. Then over the whole 

That fool's straw crown of submissive hair. 

O, happy the man with wrought-iron nerves, 
Who shall say of this tempting morsel, "Mine" — 

O treasure in pottery and preserves — 
O Hebe, careful of gooseberry wine ! 

Has it a heart ? oh, arise and appeal, 

Lost sisters, that famine and cold destroyed ; 

Will you prick to pity the hearts that feel 
For Magdalen less than Aurora Floyd ? 

Has it a mind ? Come, arise and unfold, 
Redeemer, the lives to be raised at last ! 

Is there room for thought in the brains that hold 
Kitchen and nursery sufficiently vast ? 

And yet she shall be a woman in fine ; 

Some one will worship her thimble and fan, 
Some one grow drunk on her gooseberry wine ; 

And she'll find a husband— perhaps a man. 

For fate will be good and provide one — meek, 
And long, and good, and foolish, and flat, 

A curate — immaculate, sour and sleek, 

A Pillar of Grace with a Blanched Cravat ! 

And duly the two will endow their kind 

With the old Clapham growth as spruce as a pin ; 

Meagre in bosom, and shoulder, and mind, 
Her horrible virtue sanctifies sin. 

Mademoiselle Prudhomme will hamper and stay 
The world's march onwards — will gossip and 
dress, 

And sew, and suckle, and dine, and pray : 
"Madonna Grundy have pity or bless \ " — 

Mademoiselle Prudhomme will simper and slay 
" Strong Minds," with her poor little anodyne 
wit; 

And flatter herself as she's dying one day, 

She's a heart— while the sawdust leaks out of it. 



XXIII. 
This was a little piece of lyric flattery ; 

For anyone not quite a savage knows 
Our Editor's renowned for milk and watery 

Elegies on the sweeter sex's woes. 
He thought their masters too much given to battery 

With fire-irons, doubled fists, and hobnailed shoes, 
W T hich don't, he said, reform domestic Tartars ; — 
At home, 'tis said, he suffers for the martyrs. 

XXIV. 

He said Jon Duan's principles were proper ; 

He liked the matter and he liked the name ; 
And then abruptly he applied a stopper 

To all the poet's rising hopes of fame. 
" The fact is, such things are not worth a copper. 

Your young enthusiasm I don't blame ; 
But really you don't think — it is too funny ! — 
You don't think that this kind of thing's worth 



money 



XXV. 



" No man writes poetry to-day, unless 

He's leisure, and some hundreds sure a year — 

Ev'n then he'll often find that going to press, 
Mean's going to Queer Street, E.C.; and when 
there 

He'll find the Registrar no whit the less 
Severe, because he's only paid too dear 

For writing verse — and not for acting prose — 

At St. John's Wood with Miss or Madame Chose. 

xxvi. 
" The Press, sir, is the modern channel flowing 

To Pactolus : compress into a column 
Your finest thought, your dreams most grand and 
glowing ; 
Frequent good clubs ; grow staid, and stout, and 
solemn ; 
And, with a little cringing and kotowing, 

Your fortune's made. I don't want to extol 'em, 
But we've a few bards of imagination — 
They're now reporting a Great Conflagration. 

XXVII. 

" We may not want bays, laurels, crowns, and 
mitres ; 
We'd do without some J.P.s and policemen ; 
We'd do without some lawyers and some fighters — 
The fools who bully, and the knaves who fleece 
men; 



32 



JON DUAN. 





Thumb-Nail Sketches from The Acaiea 



But, sir, this Age ?mist have its ready writers — 
Not too profound, but aiming to release men, 
By aid of half a dozen library shelves, 
From that dread task of thinking for themselves." 

XXVIII. 
Humility, that worst of all good qualities — 

And Heaven knows there's plenty bad enough! — 
Is common, but Jon Duan wouldn't call it his. 

He knew his intellect was of the stuff 
That makes men feel above such vain frivolities ; 

He rhymed, it's true ; but he was also tough 
In logic, versed in art, a studious reader, 
So he sat down and wrote a social leader. 

XXIX. 

You know the social leader — it's designed 
To please the ladies o'er the morning toast. 

We've written them ourselves sometimes, and find 
Wrecks, royal visits, and divorces, most 

Apt to enthrall the lovely creatures' mind. 
A breach of promise isn't bad ; you coast 

Round naughty subjects, show an inch of stocking, 

Observing all the while : How very shocking ! 

XXX. 

We know the bits to quote to show your learning, 
And those to prove your feeling or your humour ; 

Swift, Hook, Hood, Smith, or Jerrold ; the discerning 
Reader will add the rest ; Pepys, Evelyn, 
Hume, or 

Bacon, La Rochefoucauld — they all bear churning 
In frothy paragraphs ; and one or two more 

Make up a hodge-podge which, served after warm- 
ing, 

People not yet at Earlswood call quite charming. 

XXXI. 

I think Jon Duan tried his 'prentice hand 
At something more or less to do with Beer 

(What hasn't in this free and thirsty land ?), 
He lashed tremendously, he had no fear ; 

On highly moral grounds he took his stand, 
And vigorously, with biting jest and jeer, 

Spoke out about the publicans' last grievance, 

To be assuaged by brewers at St. Stephen's. 

XXXII. 

" Highly commendable," the chief observed ; 

And mildly glowed the austere spectacles ; 
" From those great principles I've never swerved. 

But this will never do — our paper sells — 



JON DUAN 










THE " LEFT."— A Coup-de-Ma n, 



JON DUAN. 



33 



(Of course I know your strictures are deserved) — 

Largely in cafes, taverns, and hotels ; 
We have sent out poor Truth dress'd so succinctly, 
She's caught cold — that's why she don't speak 
distinctly." 

XXXIII. 

Jon Duan, downcast and confused was standing, 
Thinking he'd ne'er a leader read again, 

His mind with notions new and strange expanding ; 
When some one cried : " Put in my news from 
Spain." 

And bounding upstairs, bumped him on the landing, 
A stranger, who's — we may as well explain, 

Mr. Maloy, a " special," who makes free 

To date from Irun, write in Bloomsbury. 

XXXIV. 
There's nothing like this odd kind of collision — 

If one's not seeking rhymes or lost one's purse — 
As introduction, it makes an incision 

Into that Saxon cloak of pride we curse 
But still will wear, through death, despair, division, 

The Robe of Nessus, of Ovidian verse — 
At least to-day it made Jon Duan enter 
A friendship in which he soon found a Mentor. 

xxxv. 
Fleet Street, receive the writers' salutation! 

We never pass through tottering Temple Bar, 
Without a feeling of profound elation 

At the grand panorama stretched afar ; 
We take our hats off, and from Ludgate Station 

See Genius coming, in triumphal car, 
And with a flaming crest, and waving pinions, 
Beating the boundaries of its own dominions. 

xxxvi. 
We see the nation's brain, its best lobe seething 

In the strong throb and clamour of the road : 
We see the legion of the teachers sheathing 

Theirpensin monkish creed'and Pecksniff's code; 
Tis here each high idea begins its breathing, 

From here it takes its armed flight abroad — 
To fall, a thunderbolt on thrones and steeples — 
To fall, as manna, to the calling peoples. 

XXXVII. 

Temple of Fame, all stained with dust and grime, 
In air oft foul, in architecture heavy, 

We freedom see and knowledge guard, sublime, 
Thy low dark eaves ; and in thy courts a bevy 



Of muses, singing some old London rhyme ; 

And then — and then we see the tribe of Levy 
Entering their broughams with smug ostentation — 
And, somehow, that arrests our inspiration. 

XXXVIII. 

We drop back to the role of chronicler, 

Following Jon Duan and his new-found friend, 

Maloy. That juvenile philosopher 
Descanted freely on the aim and end 

Of literature ; and glibly could refer 

To several famous gentlemen who've penned 

Verse, novels, essays, which we've all admired — 

Not knowing how the authors were inspired. 

xxxix. 
Maloy was made to be an interviewer, 

There was no Fleet Street curtain and no blind 
He didn't raise, and with some comments truer 

Than tender, scarify the scribes behind. 
Here rose a hiccough, there a hallelujah — 

Not far from Shoe Lane once the two combined — 
Here they declare the Ballot Act's a sad law — 
Here kid-glove Radicals haw-haw at Bradlaugh. 

XL. 
Here, to the left, two-pennyworth of gall 

Wars with two-pennyworth of gall and water, 
One shrieking u Yankee !" and the other " Gaul!" 

And threatening weekly libel suits and slaughter. 
Here lies poor Punch, a Taylor sews his pall, 

While opposite there stands the brick and mortar 
Palace of Truth, where, to instruct us, Stanley 
Finds out the Nile, while Greenwood hunts at 
Hanley. 

XLI. 

Here's the great factory where they puff the 
Premier, 

The Lords, the Bishops, Publicans and Princes 
Only they'd make the soft-soap rather creamier, 

Were it not that my Lord of Salisbury winces ; 
Besides tow'rds a new rival, rather dreamier, 

Favour at times the Government evinces. 
They sell though, still, from poppies of their growing, 
The largest pennyworth of opium going. 

XLII. 
The best of chatterers is a scandal-monger ; 

His pills are bitter, and he gilds a bit ; 
And all men, though they smirk and say No, hunger 

To have their famous neighbours' weazands slit. 



34 



JON DUAN. 




So laughed Jon Duan as Maloy grew stronger 

In aphorisms — those stalactites of wit ; 
And when they had dined en garcon at the 

"Mitre," 
Resolved he'd die, or be a well-known writer. 

XLIII. 

A writer — bravo ! The idea's not new, 

At least, it's shared by all the Civil Service ; 
The Bar, the Church, and in the Army, too, 

It rages with the force of several scurvies ; 
But, faith, the aim, with this unique reserve, is 

As good as any British youths pursue — 
It's mostly, when a lad is fresh from school 
A horse, champagne, Anonyma, or pool. 

XLIV. 

" But what's your special genius, talent, line — 

Prose, verse, or 'rhythmic Saxon,' like dear Dixon ? 
Wish you to scandalise, or mildly shine ? 

Swinburne's or Houghton's, which renown d'you 
fix on ? 
Come, choose your mate among the tuneful Nine ; 
There's Tupper's Twaddle, and Buchanan's 
Vixen ; 
That Pale One, made O'Shaughnessy's by mar- 
riage — 
And Browning's Blue, oft subject to miscarriage. 

XLV. 

" There's Bret Harte's Yankee — though she does 
say d n, 

She's quite the lady in her principles. 
And what d'you say to Lockyer's, a gi-ande dame 

Coiffee at moments a la cap and bells ? 
There's Tennyson's would serve you like a lamb, 

And teach you to 'ring out wild bells/ and knells, 
Whene'er a German, corpulent and moral, 
Expires, lies in, or marries, at Balmoral. 

XLVI. 

" But maybe odder fancies make you moody — 
Perhaps you'd write your novel, like your neigh- 
bours ; 

Walk up — make your selection : There's the goody, 
The gamy, the idyllic ; arduous labours 

Which bring in millions— unto Mr. Mudie : 
The military, full of oaths and sabres, 

The hectic, allegoric, or the pastoral— 

But only Jeaffreson has time to master all. 



JON DUAN. 



35 



XLVII. 

" The eight vols, like George Eliot's — there's a field 
Fresh, wide, and rich in fine food for the flail ; 

But pray wear spectacles ; it doesn't yield 
Unless you analyse each slug and snail ; 

And read theology in blocks congealed 

From safes of Kant, Spinoza, Reid, and Bayle ; 

Unless, too, you've a friend, and can wade through 
his 

Complete Edition of the Works of Lewes. 

XLVIII. 

" I might suggest likewise those smaller spheres 
Where several virgins, widows — even wives — 

But husbands hinder terribly, one hears — 
Are writing novels for their very lives. 

Oh, if they'd do it in their uglier years — 
Ink's a cosmetic when old age arrives ; 

But no, the dears have scarce left pinafores, 

Before they 're knocking at Sam Tinsley's doors. 

XLIX. 

" And what astounding manuscripts they carry,, 
These innocents just fresh from Mangnall's Ques- 
tions ! 
How very oddly all their heroines marry ! 

How very frequently the very best shuns 
Her Lord and Master, for Tom, and Dick, and 
Harry — 
Who're always in the Guards, have good diges- 
tions, 
Tawny moustaches, ' lean flanks ' — charming 

Satans, 
Come up from Hell in kid gloves and mail 
phaetons. 

L. 
"Pardon, Miss Muloch and Miss Yonge — you're 
free 
From any taint the moralist impure rates ; — 
O, that your world were real, that we might be 

All Lady Bountifuls and model curates, 
Talking good grammar o'er eternal tea, 

With one ambition — to reduce the poor rates I 
But fie I Miss Braddon, Broughton, Ouida — you 
Seduce us from the Band of Hope Review. 

Li. 
"Reade, Lawrance, Yates, and Holme Lee, Kings- 
ley, Grant, 
Black the idyllic, Collins (Mortimer), 



Collins, called Wilkie, Trollope, whom they vaunt 
In proud Belgravia, and in Westminster; 

Grave Farjeon, and E. Jenkins, who decant 
The wine of Dickens in a cullender ; 

And then there's — but how dare you keep your hat 
on ? — 

That proud provincial Editor, Joe Hatton ! 

LII. 

" ' J'e?i passe et des i7ieilleurs] " Maloy concluded : 
" Fitzgerald, Oliphant, George Meredith, 

Sell ; so perhaps they shouldn't be excluded ; 
Whyte Melville, Francillon, are men of pith ; 

I also might have said that one or two did 
Wonders to neutralize the brand of Smith ; — 

But catalogues were ever an infliction — 

E'en Homer's ships — far lighter than some fiction. 

LIII. 

" One's born a woman ; one becomes a man. 

Jon Duan, when you write, bear this in mind, 
And interest the ladies if you can ; 

For all the wide world over, womankind 
Loves the same books ; male readers pry and 
scan ; 

Boys, young men, fogies, different authors find — 
But schoolgirl, grandmamma, French, German, 

Briton — 
Show me the woman who don't dote on Lytton. 

LIV. 

" But he's their classic. You, the modern, must 
Select your heroes and your heroines 

From their own drawing-rooms, and then adjust 
Your dolls in patchworks made of all the sins ; 

Be roue, and disclose a bit of bust, 

Raise Dolly Vardens o'er some shapely shins ; 

Suggest, but don't be crude ; and don't say Vice — 

But hint your villain's conduct isn't nice. 

LV. 

" And then, slang, croquet, champagne, clubs, and 
horses ; 

Plump painted ' persons/ who will bear the blame 
For all misguided heroes' evil courses ; 

Bad French, when sloven English is too tame ; 
Danseuses and Guardsmen, Duchesses, divorces — 

Mix up and spice — the elixir this, of fame 
Of modern Balzacs — of this pure and mighty 
Age, that's produced two publishers for ' Clytie.' " 



36 



JON DUAN. 



LVI. 

Here poor Jon Duan rose and paid the bill. 

" But you must choose your set as well as style," 
Pursued Maloy, who, though not meaning ill, 

Was apt to make his inch of talk a mile. 
" There is a spectacle hard by that will 

Make plain my meaning in a little while." 
A few steps brought them to a — well, a "pub" — 
(Rhyme's a great leveller), and a liter'ry club. 

LVII. 

It is the Great Club of the Disappointed 

And bald Bohemian mediocrities, 
Who think the century is all disjointed, 

Because they can't direct it as they please ; 
And so they choose to make their own Anointed, 

Regardless of the outer world's decrees ; 
No matter how their idols it excoriates, 
Here they're ail statesmen, M.P.s, R.A.S, Laureates. 

LVIII. 

There's Hack, their novelist ; George Eliot quakes 
When one of his Scotch pastorals appears ; 

And Mr. Browning, too, 'tis said, " sees snakes," 
When Carver, their own poet, drops the shears, 

(The bard's Sub-Editor — fate makes mistakes), 
And in a magazine sheds lyric tears ; 

Their Bowman, too, a wondrous name has got, 

Though it does not appear what he has shot. 

LIX. 

They've publishers who print railway reports, 
And so, of course, are guides to literature ; 

They've journalists who do the County Courts, 
And know the Times' great guns, and tell you 
who're 

The authors of the " Coming K " ; all sorts 

Of Lilliputians, empty and obscure, 

Swell out here twice a week, and, lulled by shag, 

Dream that they're citizens of Brobdingnag. 

LX. 

" That's old Bohemia," said Jon Duan's guide, 
" Impotent, gouty, full of age and spite ; 

Let's leave them o'er their whisky to decide 
Browning's a bubble, Morris is a mite, 

And only Ashby Sterry opens wide 
A window on the starry infinite. 

Come westward — there's Bohemia, young and 
sunny, 

With no gray hairs — and generally no money." 



LXI. 

I want an Invocation, for the theme 
Is one of that sublime and solemn kind 

That ought to be approached with half a ream 
Of" Ohs" addressed to deities, designed 

To give us time to invent and get up steam, 
And tune our fiddles ere we raise the blind — 

Also to make the publisher advance a 

Pound or two more 'cause of the extra stanza. 

LXII. 

But really I find nothing to invoke. 

Before the Great Apollo Club, the Muses 

Shrink back, and blushes clothe them as a cloak ; 
Venus, Diana, Jupiter refuses. 

Priapus might do, but much finer folk 

Retain his services ; one picks and chooses — 

But, faith, the naughtiest gods in Lempriere, 

Are quite surpassed in Hanoveria Square. 

LXIII. 
So let the chaste Apollo Club be seen 

Without vain dallying at the modest door ; 
Follow Jon Duan and Maloy between 

Two rows of hats, and pictures, which all bore 
The impress of free minds that scorned to screen 

The beauties Nature meant us to adore : 
Here they'd corrupt, such thin toilettes enwrap 

'em, 
The seminaries most select in Clapham. 

LXIV. 

Upstairs, a lively circle is fulfilling 
The promise of the pictures — that's to say, 

Divesting truth of all the flounce and frilling, 
That so disguise her in the present day ; 

And in our " cleanly English tongue" * instilling 
The subtle piquancy of Rabelais ; 

They don't mince words here — if they did they'd 
hurry 

To put in spice, and make the mincemeat — curry. 

LXV. 

Champagne and seltzer corks are popping gaily ; 

It's two o'clock ; the night has just begun ; 
In pour the critics from the theatres, palely, 

Suffering from Byron's or Burnand's last pun. 

* An idiom of the Daily Telegraph. 



JON DUAN. 



37 



Here comes Fred Bates, who dines with Viscounts 
daily, 
And hatches "high life" novels by the ton ; 
Here's the sleek Jew band leader, Knight — and 

then, 
One " Gentleman who writes for Gentlemen." 



LXVI. 

Smoke, and a rivulet of seltz. and brandy ; 

A buzz of talk that oft becomes a roar ; 
Impassive waiters setting glasses handy ; 

On settees, arm-chairs, lounging, some three- 
score 
Tenors and poets, dramatists and dandy 

Diplomatists and dilettanti ; four 
Painters who've coloured nothing but a pipe, 
Because the Royal Academy's not ripe 



LXVII. 
For philosophic realism ; a common 

Creature or two, who neither wrote nor drew, 
And whom, therefore, the Club expects to summon 

Up fierce enthusiasm for the men who do — 
Clerks from the War Office, who love to strum on 

Their red-tape lyres, and think they're poets too ; 
A Communist freed from Versailles inquisitors— 
They make a point of showing him to visitors. 



LXVIII. 

There's a broad line fire of buffoonery, 
There are the single cracks of paradox ; 

Here, splutters from the whip of Irony ; 
And cynicism's icy ooze that mocks 

One moment, the last moment's deity : — 
An intellectual Babel, that oft shocks 

At first the pious stranger, and confuses — 

That's how most of us cultivate the Muses 



LXIX. 

Jon Duan promptly made himself at home. 

He'd just such erudition as they prize 
At the Apollo Club : he'd read Brantome, 

Faublas, and Casanova — which supplies 
A man with many anecdotes and some 

Vices ; but here it served to make him rise 
In favour with his friends, who won't deny 
Their library is very like a sty. 



LXX. 

As dawn approached, the conversation grew 
More lyrical : they passed the loving cup j 

They felt all men were brothers — which is true — 
All Cains and Abels ; and, like men who sup 

In the small hours, they felt old songs steal through 
The vapours of the wine, and struggle up 

Unto the lips. So, finding they grew dreamy, a 

Poet trolled this Carol of Bohemia. 



® Carol ai Mafytmix. 



without an anchor, 

All idle 'prentices who've broke Society's inden- 
ture ; 
Gil Bias, whose lives are voyages to some hazy 
Salamanca ; — 

We'll pit against your L. S. D. our motto : Per- 
adventure. 

2. 
The hostelries upon our way keep open house and 
table ; 
And if e'en at the first relay, we find the money 
short, 
With muleteers of old romance we sup in barn or 
stable, 
And if the bread is black, the wine but vinegar 
— qu 1 imp07'te I 

3- 
Qic' importe the chasm and precipice, qit importe 
too, death and danger ! 
We take the truant's path in life, and there one 
never slips. 
If all the men we meet are foes, there's not a girl a 
stranger, 
When one has Murger in the heart, and Musset 
on the lips ! 

4- 
O, green ways trodden hand in hand ! O sweet 
things that mean nothing ! 
And Raphael's fair sister, who makes vagrant 
hearts beat louder. 
Ah, for the golden spring of life ! Ah, for the 
autumn loathing ! — 
Raphael robs the traveller, Madonna's plumes 
are powder. 



3S 



JON DUAN, 



5- 
And russet comes upon the green ; we see the 
roses' canker ; 
Lorenza's little hands I hold have trenchant tips 
and scar mine, 
Gil Bias grows fat and falls asleep, half-way to 
Salamanca ; 
And Laura's kisses are so sweet — they make 
one's moustache carmine ! 

LXXI. 

As the last echoes into stillness sunk, 
Jon Duan rose and bade adieu to Babel ; 

He'd seen and heard enough ; his ideal shrunk 
Within him, and he felt his gods unstable ; 

He left a famous poet very drunk, 

Reciting bits from Pindar, on the table ; 

And others, dry as wither'd leaves in Arden, 

To finish up the night at Covent Garden. 

LXXII. 

These are the ordeals through which greenhorns 
pass 

Before they're fit to form public opinion, 
Or in romance to hold up a clear glass 

To modern men and manners ; their dominion 
Is reached by by-ways tortuous and crass, 

Wherein one's pure ambition moults its pinion, 
And changes so in heart and aim and soul — 
What was an eagle dwindles to poor poll. 

LXXIII. 

They set forth with their poems in their wallet, 
And nothing much to speak of in their purse, 

Thinking they're going to wield Thor's mighty 
mallet, 
And all the bubbles of the age disperse ; 

Proud of their Mission, as the poor lads call it — 
To mend the world in philosophic verse, 

To speak out boldly, giving stout all-rounders, 

From Vested Interests unto Pious Founders ; 

LXXIV. 

To laugh to scorn our wars of sacristies, 
That set us flying at each other's throats, 

Because some curates like gay draperies, 
Or rather higher collars to their coats :— 

And then they bandy talk of " heresies " — 

That's what the beams denominate the motes, — 

Set doctors arguing and lawyers fighting — 

And, one good thing, set Mr. Gladstone writing ; 



LXXV. 

To tilt against — but who shall give the list 

Of all the wrongs and ills that want redressing 
In this sweet isle, where, if a sore exist, 

Fourscore-year bishops say it's a great blessing? 
Who'll count the reefs and rocks seen through the 
mist, 
Through which Pangloss, M.P., says we're pro- 
gressing ? 
Who'll count our paupers, plutocrats — none can 

aver — 
And oh ! who'll count the Royal House of Hanover? 

LXXVI. 

One thought that one could do it all, elated 
With young dreams, when life's morning star 
its best shone ; 

Political economy we rated 

Merely the art of sidling round the question : — 

St. Giles's hunger isn't compensated 

Or cured by Lord St. James's indigestion : 

And then we found blank looks on either hand — 

St. Giles can't read — St. James can't understand. 

LXXVI I. 

And all our wings fell from us, and we stumbled, 
Crawled crablike, sneaked, and sidled with the 
best; 

Exalted Toole, Vance, H.R.H.s, — humbled 

Your Arch's, Bradlaughs, Odgers, and the rest ; 

We hung on to Fame's chariot as it rumbled 
Down Fleet Street — and from that day, were well 
dressed, 

And had a cheque-book — knew a peer who pities 

Us scribes, and sat on several Club Committees. 

LXXVI 1 1. 

An old, old tale : a lucky hero ours, 

To have it all made plain before he started 

On that road, which seems carpeted with flowers 
To amateurs who're young and simple hearted ; 

He grieved at first, and, for a few brief hours, 
His eyes, because the scales had dropp'd off, 
smarted ; 

But soon he hardened into crying, Bosh ! — 

Couleur de rose — that colour doesn't wash ! 

LXXIX. 

And he went in for all the browns and grays 
Of stern reality, for perfect prose 



JON DUAN. 



39 



In life, in literature, in aims, and ways: 

He came to know the fact that no man goes 

To market with an ingot : bread or bays, 

Small change will buy the best that's baked or 
grows. 

He sent his grand old idols to the mint — 

And rich and godless, soon prepared to print. 

LXXX. 

You've seen his progress in the magazines, 

Reviews and Quarterlies ; his course is planned 

After the best authorities, on means 

Whereby to keep one's name before the land : 

To start with, his identity he screens, 

Forthwith, a weekly says : " We understand 

The paper in this month's 'True Blue,' which 
no one 

Failed to remark, is written by Jon Duan." 

LXXXI. 

Or ere the paper's printed : " We're informed 
The ' Unicorn ' for next month will contain 

An essay by Jon Duan." Thus he charmed 
The public with reiterative strain, 

Till simple outsiders grew quite alarmed 
At the prodigious business of his brain ; 

And he grew known so, he'd a near escape 

From having his fine features limned by " Ape." 

Lxxxir. 
And to their country cousins Cockneys said : 

"-Pray notice ! look! he's passing! that is he! 
That noble presence — that inspired head — 

Lit by the dawn of young celebrity — 
That is Jon Duan, following up the thread 

Of his new serial for the ' Busy Bee/ 
Or gleaning bits of realism in the gutter, 
That's what makes his romance go down like 
butter." 

LXXXIII. 

And stern reviewers softened as he passed, 

And lo ! were nearly men. — He gave small 
dinners, 

Into which all Fin-Bee's menus were cast, 
And unto which he bade — as should beginners — 

The baldest critics, editors, and fast 

War correspondents, with sweet little sinners 

(Such things divert the labours of the desk), 

Whose role is Legs in every new burlesque. 



LXXXIV. 

No bribes ! Thank Heaven, the English press is 
pure ; — 

A model for all Europe, and a score tall 
Yankees ! but sometimes salaries aren't secure ; — 

And sometimes even journalists are mortal ; 
Therefore a little dinner-card, when you're 

In want of praise, will open many a portal ; — 
I'd name — if libel cases weren't so brisk — 
A dozen laurel wreaths that sprung from bisque. 

LXXXV. 

Laurels Jon Duan got, or substitutes 

For what they called wreaths eighty years ago : 

Success in our days yields more solid fruits 
Than figurative chaplets — fruits that grow 

Too quickly, maybe, and from rotten roots, 
But still afford a pleasant meal or so. 

And after all, to make a crop secure, 

Don't the best cultivators use manure? 

LXXXVI. 

We don't say that Jon Duan did ; he merely 
Knew his age well, and catered for its taste. 

It loves the portrait of its vices dearly, 
Provided certain angles are effaced, 

And certain details not described too clearly — 
A photograph half libertine, half chaste, 

That matrons smile at, and girls in their teens 

Say prettily they can't see what it means. 

LXXXVI I. 

That is our " social, psychologic " fiction, 

In which Grub Street takes vengeance on Bel- 
gravia, 

Denouncing all its sins with feigned affliction 
At having to describe the bad behaviour 

Of titled folks — for there's an interdiction 

On vulgar crimes ; we treat those that are caviar 

Unto the general — pigeon-shooting, gaming, 

Genteel polygamy — all won't bear naming. 

LXXXVI 1 1. 
And this Jon Duan painted to the life. 

Ne'er was a better writer to portray 
Thoroughbreds, cocottes, and post-nuptial strife, 

And scenery in a pretty Mignard way; 
To show how one makes love to a friend's wife, 

Or leads a virgin's timid steps astray, — 



4Q 



JON DUAN. 






How to transgress the Ten Commandments daily, 
Wear good coats well— and not end at the Old 
Bailey. 

LXXXIX. 

He also touched on politics, and wrote 

The usual anonymous report, 
From Cloudland allegorisal ; we dote 

On pamphlets of the Prince Florestan sort, 
Putting them down to ten M.P.s of note, 

For lively satire is our statesmen's forte. 
Talk of the daily press, Mill, Grote — oh, fiddle ! 
The best loved flower of literature's a riddle. 

xc. 
Reviews, translations, travels, essays, stories, 

Liberal programmes, letters to the Times — 
The record of his exploits would crack Glory's 

Trumpet, unused to praise this kind of crimes ; 
Each week the acid Athenaeum bore his 

Name in some column, linked to prose or rhymes, 
Which being largely advertised and often, 
Made the most stony critic's bosom soften. 

XCI. 
No evanescent Period was founded, 

Or foundered, but he had his finger in it; 
No Mirror crack'd, no Junius fell down dead, 

No Torch illumed the country for a minute, 
But in their columns his MS. abounded; 

Eclecticism was his prevailing sin, it 
Led him to promise prose to that transcendent 
Modern press joke : The Daily Independent ! 

xcn. 
That crowns a man's career ; no further goes 

The force of sane ambition. For the rest, 
He'd all the wealth of privilege one owes 

To having frequently in print express'd 
Old thoughts about some older joys and woes ' 

He had his stalls for nothing, and the best 
Place on first nights — a manager's civility, 
Which is the author's patent of nobility. 

XCIII. 
He had the run of philosophic bars, 

Where literature's professors congregate, 
With haply, some clean-shaven tragic stars, 

And a few faithful servants of the State, 
Who make enough to pay for their cigars, 

By writing critiques for the press— a fate 
So few sane men in our days seem to covet — 
Thank God ! the Civil Service ain't above it. 



JON DUAN. 



4i 



XCIV. 

The damsels who deign serve you with your beer 
Are deeply versed in literature and art ; 

And oh ! the things those virgins see and hear 
Would rather make the goddess Grundy start. 

It's not improving always to sit near 

Authors, who, if they don't attack your heart, — 

For they can't touch it, though they've won some 
laurels — 

Do play the very devil with your morals. 

xcv. 
Wide as they range, a flavour of sour ink 

Goes with them, from the City to the Strand, 
And thence to Panton Street. Just watch them pink 

A reputation with a master-hand ; 
List to them squabbling, and observe them drink — 

And then reflect, to-morrow all the land 
Will only know which way the world's inclining, 
By what they all have put into their "lining." 

xcvi. 
Leave them. The Muse, poor jade, has had her fill 

Of copy and of copy writers. Satis, 
Even Jon Duan, though he's prosperous, still 

Cries now and then, when he sees what his fate 
is — 
To grind for ever in the same old mill 

The same old thoughts, for evermore to mate his 
Dreams with the need of publishers and editors — 
Because the Ideal won't appease one's creditors. 

xcvn. 
Leave them, and leave Jon Duan for awhile, 

One of their band, a brother — till one sees 
A way that's safe to say his prose is vile, 

And his successes only plagiaries ; 



You'll meet them all to-morrow and you'll smile 

At their old jokes, weep o'er their elegies, 
Admire them all in copy which encumbers 
The New Year Annuals and the Christmas Numbers. 

XCVIII. 

We've seen Jon Duan through Grub Street, safe and 
sound— 
The passage isn't always so secure : 
Footpads are plenty, publishers abound — 
Things which don't tend to keep a young man 
pure. 
We've seen him feted, published, bought and 
crowned, 
And shown at all Smith's bookstalls : now he's 
sure 
Of immortality — and, such is fame — 
Forty years hence, e'en Timbs won't know his name. 

xcix. 
'Tis the best way to leave a hero — great, 

The friend of critics, prosperous and fat ; 
Keeping his brougham, asked to civic fetes, 

And noble poets' garden parties. — That 
Is not invariably an author's fate, 

But we want an exception, for thereat 
The amateurs take fire, write verse by scores — 
And that's the way to punish editors. 

C. 
And so he's reached the glorious apogee ; 

And success has no history ; — like Peace, 
He's at an altitude whereunto we 

Can't follow, for our wings are fixed with grease, 
And in the sun's red rays shake wofully : 

But his will prove he's found the golden fleece : 
We lei . w him, with a set, refined and manly, 
Talking of Gladstone's pamphlet with Dean Stanley. 



42 



JON DUAN. 




Canto The Fourth. 
i. 

|T. PAUL once had apartments with a 
tanner, — 

The street, you may remember, was called 
Straight, — 
But whether Peter lodged in such a manner, 

The pens of the Apostles don't relate : 
We know he'd several blots upon his banner, + 
And that he now keeps guard at Heaven's gate : 
But as to what his social habits were, 
The details we can find are very rare. 

II. 

Though we are bound our full belief to give 
To that sad business about the Cock ; 

And though that other incident will live — 

When he gave Maichus such a sudden shock. — 

Our information's mostly negative 
'Bout this Barjona, who was christened "Rock"; 

Yet we're inclined to think Pierre a hearty, 

Hot-temper'd, bold, and fearless sort of party. 

in. 
He readily gave up his little all — 

The fishing business p'rhaps was slow just then — 
And, feeling he for preaching had a call, 

He went forthwith to fish for souls of men. 
The thought of leaving home did not appal, 

And that he gladly went's no wonder, when, 
Alike from Matthew, Mark, and Luke, we find 
He must have left a mother-in-law behind ! 

IV. 

However, let St. Peter have his due, 

He was a faithful follower, on the whole; 

Human, of course — so, equally, are you — 
But he'd a loving and an ardent soul, 

Which, after persecutions not a few, 

Bore him in triumph to a martyr's goal ; 

And left behind him an undying fame, 

Heirship to which Rome's Pope advances claim. 

V. 
Poor Peter ! It is monstrously unfair 

That such a Church should take his name in 
vain; 
To say that he first filled the Papal chair 

Must surely give him much post mo?'tem pain. 



JON DUAN. 



43 



For not his worst detractor could declare 

He e'er did aught the name of Pope to gain. 
The lives of few of them will bear inspection ; 
For lust and blood most had a predilection. 

VI. 

And Peter's free from that ; he did not fill 
His life with villainies the pen can't write ; 

His name is not mixed up with crimes that chill ; 
With sins incestuous that the soul affright; 

He did not torture, persecute, and kill, 
And make his influence a cursing blight ; — 

When sinning most, he still might have the hope 

He'd never sinned enough to be a Pope ! 

VII. 

He ne'er his helpless fellow-creatures robbed, 

To live in sensuality and ease ; 
He never schemed, and lied, and planned, and 
jobbed, 

In Heaven's name, his mistresses to please ; 
His steps were not with guilty favourites mobbed, 

He did not use the Church's holy keys 
The door to damned and devilish sins to ope, — 
In short, St. Peter never was a Pope ! 

VIII. 

He had no gold nor houses, tithes nor land, 
He had no pictures, and no jewels nor plate; 

He never bore a crozier in his hand, 
He never put a mitre on his pate; 

He simply followed Jesus Christ's command, 
Which so-called Christians have not done ot 
late ;— 

Oh ! we would raise Hosannahs in our metre, 

If pious people were more like St. Peter. 

IX. 

We will not talk of Rome ; its annals black 
Our pages would too deeply, darkly soil ; 

Upon the Vatican we'll turn our back, 
Lest indignation should too fiercely boil ; 

Its fiendish crimes have reached a depth, alack ! 
T'wards which our feeble pen would vainly toil : 

We will not dabble in the dirt of Rome, 

We have enough to do to look at home. 



Each sect of Christians in numbers grows, 
Who with the nomination are suffic'd ; 



Who are to what their Founder taught, fierce 
foes, 

Boasting a bastard creed, with errors spiced. 
The Christians of the present day are those 

Whose words and actions savour least of Christ, 
And reckon but of very little count 
The precepts of the Sermon on the Mount ! 

XI. 
The English Church our serious thought bespeaks — 

We write as friend to it, and not as foeman ; 
We write to save it from the trait'rous sneaks 

W T ho, English-named, at heart are wholly Roman ; 
We write, unfettered, with a pen that seeks 

Fair field from all, favour undue from no man ; 
We write because a thousand blots besmear 
Th' escutcheon of the Church we held so dear. 



XII. 

Blots of all kinds and colours, sorts and sizes — 

Blots Evangelical and Ritualistic ; 
Blots so pronounced that indignation rises ; 

Blots hidden carefully in language mystic ; 
Blots publicly exhibited as prizes ; 

Blots to all usefulness antagonistic — 
Blots so diffuse, in fact, that without doubt 
They threaten soon to blot the Church right out. 

XIII. 

Our hero knew that some such blots existed, 
For he'd an uncle who'd been Bishop made ; 

The reason being that he for years persisted 
In giving to the Tory party aid. 

Though how it was such services could be twisted 
To show a fitness for the Bishop grade, 

We've tried to find out, but we've tried in vain — 

Perhaps Lord Shaftesbury could this explain. 



XIV. 

Jon's Bishop-uncle was a portly man, 

With well-filled waistcoat, and a port-wine nose ; 
Who, since to be a vicar he began, 

Had never seen his watch-seals or his toes ; 
W 7 ho, knowing life to be at best a span, 

Resolved to eat good dinners to its close ; 
And giving thanks each day to God the giver, 
O'erfed himself, and took those pills called liver. 



44 



JON DUAN. 




xv. 
It did not seem, save as an awful warning, 

He thought of the directions Christ had given ; 
His Purse was large ; he searched the Times each 
morning, 

That he might see how well his Scrip had thriven 
Was far from bed-accommodation scorning, 

And never walked it, when he could be driven. 
And if the meek in heart alone are bless'd, 
He must for cursing long have been assessed. 

XVI. 
He hunger'd and he thirsted, it is true — 

But not for Righteousness — it is most clear. 
He mourn'd — but that was merely 'cause he knew 

A neighbouring Bishop had more pounds a year ; 
He laid up earthly treasures not a few, 

But of the moth and rust he had no fear ; 
And whilst of meat and drink he took much 

thought, 
Considered not the lilies as he ought. 

XVII. 

In sooth, Jon Duan could not find a trait 

In which the Bishop followed the Great Master; 

His diocese brought ^15 a day, 

And he contriv'd to make a fortune faster 

Than money-changers, for he'd a 'cute way 
Of speculating that ne'er met disaster ; — 

And as his will proved, later, it is gammon 

To think one cannot worship God and Mammon. 

XVIII. 

Of course he something did his pay to earn: 
He wrote a bitter book against Dissent ; 

And once a year, in May, his soul would burn, 
Because the Hindoo had no Testament ; 

And to the House of Lords his feet would turn, 
If by his aid reforms he could prevent : 

And he'd some trouble, too, in duly giving 

To all his reverend relatives a living ! 

XIX. 

He has in Ember * weeks to lay his hands 
Upon the candidates for ordination ; 

In his be-puffed lawn sleeves, and linen bands, 
He 'mongst the ladies makes no small sensation ; 

* It is not singular perhaps that Ember week is prolific in 
"sticks." 



JON DUAN. 



45 



And periodic'lly his lordship stands 

To consummate the rite of confirmation, 
Which, being an Epicure, he finds not easy, 
For as a rule the children's heads are greasy. 



xx. 

And shame to say, this pillar of tfoe Church 
Is the severest landlord in the county ; 

Woe to the tenant, who, left in the lurch, 

Is not quite ready with the right amount ; he 

Gets no mercy, for the strictest search 

Reveals no instance of this Bishop's bounty — 

Bounty, indeed, ne'er enters in his plans, 

Except it is that Bounty called Queen Anne's ! 

XXI. 

Meantime, whilst this good man in wealth is rolling, 
His slaving curates scarce get bread to eat ; 

As he his soul with choice old wine's consoling 
(Fit follower of the Apostles' feet !), 

They, as their wretched stipend they are doling 
(The Bishop in three months spends more in 
meat), 

Must recollect, although it seems odd, rather, 

That he, in God, is their Right Reverend Father. 

XXII. 

How very strange it is that Mr. Miall 

Won't let a state of things like this alone ! 

Far him to say the Church is on its trial 
Is but mere foolery, we all must own ; 

The Bench of Bishops cannot fail to smile, — 
The Church they grace is steadfast as the 
throne, — 

" Ged rid of us indeed, what nonsense ! Zounds ! 

We cost each year two hundred thousand pounds !" 



XXIII. 

The Bishops ! What a volume in a word ! 

Our hearts beat quicker at the very sound ; 
Get rid of them, indeed !— it's too absurd. 

Shame on the men who such a scheme pro- 
pound ! 
Oh ! can it be that they have never heard 

How in good works the Bishops all abound? 
Let Science, Art, and Learning pass away, 
But leave us Bishops to crown Coming K . 



Our $}t£ftffp£. 

i. 
Who follow Christ with humble feet, 
And rarely have enough to eat, 
Who " Misereres " oft repeat ? — 

Our Bishops. 

2. 

Who, like the fishermen of old, 
Care not for house, nor lands, nor gold, 
But boldly brave the damp and cold ? — ■ 
Our Bishops. 

3- 
Who preach the gospel to the poor, 
And nurse the sick, and teach the boor — 
Who faithful to the end endure ? — 

Our Bishops. 

4- 
Who give up all for Jesus' sake, 
And no thought for the morrow take, 
But daily sacrifices make ? — 

Our Bishops. 

5- 
And who count everything a loss 
Except their Lord and Master's cross, 
And reckon riches as but dross ? — 

Our Bishops. 

XXIV. 

Thus Duan sings as he one night is dining 
With his good Bishop-uncle tete a tete ; 

What time the prelate's nose is redly shining, 
And brightly gleams his bald and polished pate. 

He does not speak, they had some time been 
wining, 
Yet on his face is satisfaction great ; 

And when his nephew the decanter passes, 

They toast the Bench of Bishops in full glasses. 

xxv. 
Let's leave the reverend Epicure to fuddle ; 

Of many bishop-types he is but one ; 
And who can wonder at the Church's muddle, 

When half a dozen ways its leaders run ? 
When some are smeared with Babylonish ruddle, 

And some are steeped in Evangelic dun; 
When Broad and High Church meet in battle- 
shocks, 
And Low Church pelts the pair of them with 
Rocks. 



JON DUAN. 




Meantime, whilst High and Narrow, Low and 
Broad, 

And Deep (the Deep are those who get the prizes) 
All fight together, for the praise of God, 

The thought in some few people's minds arises, 
Why any longer they the land defraud ; 

And common-sense most certainly advises 
That if their zeal for fighting's so intense, 
They ought to do it at their own expense. 

xxvir. 
For who takes interest in their petty quarrels ? 

Who cares for what they wear or how they stand ; 
Let the big babies have their bells and corals, 

And play the fool ; but men the right demand 
To say these "posers " shall not teach us morals, 

Nor be upheld by law throughout the land. 
'Tis time, indeed, the Church to roughly handle, 
And stop what has become a crying scandal. 




XXVIII. 

When Christian Bishops do but bark and bite 
In silly speeches and in unread books ; 

When shepherds leave their flocks in sorry plight, 
And lay about them with their pastoral crooks ; 

When Congress breaks up in a smart, free fight, 
The state of things delay no longer brooks, 

But every day makes the impression stronger — 

We should support the Church's wars no longer. 

XXIX. 

Nor must we in our midst still go on breeding 
A set of priests both pestilent and prying ; 

Who, on our daughters' superstitions feeding, 
The strongest bonds of home-love are untying ; 

At whose attacks morality is bleeding, 
And Englishwomen's honour lies a-dying — 

Who are reviving, with zeal retrogressional, 

The grievous scandals of the old confessional. 

xxx. 

These fellows are the worst ; — not half so bad 
The Calvinists who say we must be damned, 

Nor those who go at times revival mad, 
And glory in conversions that are shamm'd ; 

Nor those who, Spurgeon apeing, think to add 
To their renown by getting churches cramm'd, 

Nor think how much they let religion down 

By posturing weekly as a pulpit clown. 



JON DUAN. 



47 



XXXI. 

A truce, though— we are getting very prosy, 
And quite forgetting our long-suffering hero. 

For the long sermon to atone, suppose he 
Appear at once and dance a gay bolero, 

Or sing a ditty, amorous and rosy, 

To bring our readers' spirits up from zero — 

Or stay, what's better still, let us prevail 

On him to tell a Ritualistic tale. 



Ban Suaix'jS Cate. 

A STORY OF THE CONFESSIONAL. 
I. 

Know ye the place where they press and they 
hurtle, 

And do daring deeds for greed and for gain, 
Where the mellow milk-punch and the green-fatted 
turtle 

Now mildly digest, and now madden with pain ? 
Know ye the land of Stone and of Vine, 
Where mayors ever banquet and aldermen dine ; 
Where Emma was wooed, and Abbott laid low, 
And they fly paper kites and big bubbles blow ; 
Where Gold is a god unassail'd in his might, 
And neck-ties are loosened when stocks get too 

tight ? 
If this district you know — it is E.C. to guess, 
And you go up a street which the Hebrews possess, 
And turn to the right, — why, then, for a wager, 
You come to the Church of St. Wackslite the Major ; 
And list, as o'er noises that constantly swell, 
Comes the soul-stirring sound of its evensong bell. 



Robed in the vestments of the East, 
Apparell'd as becomes a priest, 
Awaiting his sacristan's knock, 
The Rev'rend Hippolytus Stock 
Sat musing in his vestry chair. 

Deep thought was on his pasty face, 
His tonsured head was racked with care :— 

A smell of spirits filled the place — 
(Terrestrial spirits such as we 
Call mystic'ly Brett's O. D. V.) 
His crafty soul, well skill'd to hide, 
The guilty secrets kept inside,i 
Could smoothe not from his furrow'd brow 
The anxious lines that seared it now. 



'Twas strange what troubled him, he had 

All things that Ritualists make glad : 

Embroider'd banners, silken flags, 

And velvet Offertory Bags : 

Two Utrecht Altar-cloths with lace, 

Font Jugs and Buckets in their place. 

Of Candlesticks a wondrous pair, 

A Chalice Veil of texture rare. 

Rich Dossals in the chancel hang ; 

From Carven Desks the choir-boys sang 

The Pavement was encaustic tiles ; 

The Fauld Stools of the latest styles. 

Even the Hat-suspenders show'd 

The latest ritualistic mode ; 

His Maniples were fair and white ; 

His Sacramental Spoons a sight ; 

The Chancel nothing could surpass, 

The Altar-rails were polish'd brass ; 

Assorted Crosses every where, 

Assist the congregation's prayer ; 

Indeed, though it involved some loss, 

The Napkins* were cut on the cross ; 

He'd Cutters for the sacred bread ; 

And from an Eagle lectern read ; 

The Pews were new, the Windows stained, — 

In short, no single want remained, 

Suggested by religious pride, 

Which had not promptly been supplied. 

So 'twas no use to go again 

To Cox and Sons in Maiden Lane. — 

Yet still those reverend features bore 

The anxious look we've named before. 



The knock was heard, a form appeared, 

A black, lank form with copious beard — 

" Three minutes, and the bell will cease." 

Then, Hippolytus, " Hold thy peace ! 

Has the communion plate been clean'd ?" 

The lank one acquiescence lean'd — 

" Three boys," he said, " have work'd for hours, 

Gard's Plate Cloth capitally scours, 

I never saw it look so bright, 

You will feel proud of it to-night." 

" And has that sack of incense come ?" 

The lank one, save for " Yes," was dumb. 

* A friend who thinks all Ritualists are vipers, 
These napkins christens " Ritualistic Wipers." 



4 8 



JON DUAN. 




" Incense is up again, beware ! 
The Acolytes must take more care. 
They burn too much of if at nights." 

And here the black form silence brake — 
" O, Sir, concerning those wax lights : 

Wicks says he will a discount make 
On thirty pounds for ready cash." 
The vicar smiled, he was not rash, 

And merely murmuring softly, " Thirty ? " 
Continued in a louder tone, 

" Joseph, that I. H. S. is dirty, 
See by a sister it is scrubbed, 
And have my pocket-service rubbed. 
And say to Mrs. Sniggs, it's bosh ! 
That Alb did not come from the wash. 
And now, enough of worldly cares, 
Lead on the way to evening prayers ! " 

5- 

St. Wackslite's filled with floods of light, 
'Tis celebration high to-night. 
The organ peals, the people kneels. 
The " supers " first their banners bear, 
The vergers with their wands are there, 
The choristers march two by two, 
The Acolytes their duties do. 
And as their censers high are sway'd, 
They would a sweet perfume have made, 

Had not the incense been of late 

Cheap, truly, — but adulterate. 

Lay brothers in due sequence walk, 

The assistant-priests behind them stalk. 

Last comes in robes which rainbows mock 

The Reverend Hippolytus Stock ; 

And round the church in order slow, 

They with triumphal music go. 

But by the door a son of sin, 
A writer in the rabid^T?^, 

Has managed early to slip in — 
'Tis his to cause a sudden shock. 

For in a tone so full and clear 

That eVeryone cannot but hear, 

His voice he raises and recites 

These lines, and not a line but bites : — 

1. 
" The aisles of Rome ! the aisles of Rome ! 
Where burning censers oft are swung, 



JON DUAN 




THE « BUSKIN."— A Tragedy Tracing. 



JON DUAN. 



49 




<e^-% 




Where saints are worshipp'd 'neath the dome, 

Where banners sway and mass is sung — 
In Papal Sees these aisles have place, 
But English churches they disgrace. 

II. 

" The vestments, many-hued and quaint, 
The alb, the stole, the hood, the cope, 

The prayers to Virgin and to saint — 

These are for them who serve the Pope : 

Shame ! that such mummeries besmirch 

The ritual of the English Church ! 

in. 
" I took the train to Farringdon, 

From Farringdon I walked due E. ; 
And musing there an hour alone, 

I scarce could think such things could be. 
At Smithfleld — scene of martyrs slain — 
I could not deem they died in vain. 

IV. 

" And is it so ? and can it be, 

My country ? Is what we deplore 

Aught but a phase of idiocy ? 
Is England Protestant no more? 

Is she led captive by a man — 

The dotard of the Vatican ? 

v. 
" Must we but weep o'er days more blest ? 

Must we but blush ? — Our fathers bled. 
Earth, render back from out thy breast 

A remnant of our martyred dead ! 
Of all the hundreds grant but three 
To fight anew Mackonochie." 

This while had all around been dazed, 

And no one tried his tongue to stay ; 
The choristers had ceased, amazed, 

The organ did no longer play. 
But soon a sense of wrong return'd, 
And scores of eager fingers burn'd 
To turn the ribald traitor out ; 
And there arose a shaming shout, 
And several vergers for him made ; 
Still he no sign of fear betrayed. 
In truth, so full of zeal was he, 

Another verse he did begin, 
But, promptly fetched, P.C. 9 E. 

Appears, and forthwith " runs him in." 



So 



JON DUAN. 



The organ then peals forth once more, 
And the processional is o'er. 

6. 
The three assistant priests await 

The signal to officiate, 
And bide till 'tis their vicar's will 

To dance the usual quadrille. 
Then, when he joins their little band, 
And all before the altar stand, 
They face the east, they face the west, 
They face the ways that please them best ; 
They scuffle quickly dos-a-dos, 
And through gymnastic motions go ; 
They turn to corners, do the chain, 
Kneel down, get up, and kneel again ; 
The vicar, plainly as can be, 
Makes an exemplary M.C. 
Each tangled move he regulates, 
And juggles with the cups and plates — 
No slip, no stumble, not a fault ; 

Though he is near two-score and fat, 
He could have turned a somersault, 

This Ritualistic acrobat. 
Nay, it obtains among his friends, 

And is in Low Church circles said, 
That Hippolytus soon intends 

To celebrate " upon his head !" 



The organ plays its final note, 

The church is wrapp'd in silent gloom, 
A dreamy stillness seems to float, 

The vicar seeks his robing-room. 
One duty now remains for him, 

'Tis the Confessional to seek, 
Where burns the waxen taper dim, 

And hear the heart-thoughts of the weak. 
And, as he goes, he murmurs low, 

" Yes ! she will come, for she was there !" 
And in his eyes hot passions glow, 

As sits he in his oaken chair. 
And now, one parts the curtains red, 
And kneels, and bows a guilty head, 
With many a tale of sin and woe ; 
Still others come, and kneel, and go — 
Escaping thus, they think, the ban 
Shed o'er them by this wicked man. 
His eyes still peer with anxious care, 
He mutters, " Surely she was there !" 



Then fiendish lustre fills his eyes, 

And colour to his pale cheeks flies, 

For down the aisle, in the light so dim, 

A female form comes straight to him, 

And he knows by the hat with the sea-gull's wing, 

And the cuirass cut in the latest fashion, 
That those faintly-falling footsteps bring 

The woman he loves with a guilty passion. 



Thoughts of the past rush through his brain, 
Thoughts rapturous, yet link'd with pain, 

Of the sweet face when first she came 

His spiritual aid to claim — 
Of her soft arms, in meekness bending 

Across her maiden's budding breast ; 
Of those soft arms anon extending 

To clasp the hands of him who blest. 
O she was fair ! her eyes were blue, 

Her hair was golden, as spun sunbeams are ; 
Her cheeks had robbed the rosebuds of their hue, 

Her voice was music coming from afar ; 
And she, suspecting naught, was full of trust — 

Trust, confidence and innocence inspire ; 
Whilst he look'd on her lovely form and bust, 

And vow'd to win her to his fierce desire. 
Yes, she was fair as first of womankind, 

When in her virgin innocence first smiling ; 
And he, with cruel purpose in his mind, 

Was wily as the serpent ; her beguiling 
With holy words and hypocritic speeches, 
Such as the Ritualistic manual teaches. 

Too many times she came, and he 
Plied her with subtle Jesuitry ; 
Poison'd her mind and soil'd her heart 
With all his cunning, priestly art ; 
Dealing his every venomed stroke 
From underneath religion's cloak, 
Till, counting her within his power, 
He hailed th' approach of triumph's hour, 
And, as her frail form meets his sight, 
He plans her fall that very night. 

In silence bow'd the virgin's head ; 
As if her eyes were fill'd with tears, 

That stifled feeling dared not shed- 
As if o'ercome by maiden's fears. 



JON DUAN. 



5i 



" My daughter ! " quoth the wicked priest, 
" Your face lift up, tell me, at least, 
What ghostly trouble rives your soul — 
God gives me power to make it whole." 
And, as he spoke, behind her head 
He closely drew the curtains red ; 
But still no word her silence broke, 
Her presence sighs alone bespoke. 
" My daughter ! " thus the priest again, 
"Your studied reticence is vain." 
His lips bent forward near her ear, 
" Come, cast away your foolish fear ; 
Confess the sins that on you press — 
Confess to me, sweet girl, confess ! " 
Save heavier sighs, no answer came, 

The vicar's breath came quicklier, then — 
" Dear Alice !" — for he knew her name — 

Burst forth that villain amongst men, 
" I quite forget my own distress 

In telling you I love you well, — 

So well, that all the pains of Hell 
I'd bear for one long, close caress." 
No movement yet. " O, Alice, make 
Some answer, lest my heart should break. 
I am your priest, I know your heart ; 
Alice, I will not from you part. 
I've sworn to be a celibate, 

And marriage vows are not for me ; 
But holy love and passion great 

A mingled fate for us decree. 
I claim you, who shall dare say nay, 
Or tear you from my arms away? 
Come, darling, we are all alone, 
One hour will all past pain atone ; 
Come, let no longer aught divide — 
Come, darling, be the Church's bride ! " 

10. 
All suddenly the female form arose, 

And as the vicar stretched his arms to seize her, 
A manly fist dash'd right into his nose, 

A crushing blow, call'd vulgarly a " sneezer " ; 
And whilst he felt all nose and strange surprise, 

The fist work'd piston-like just twice or thrice, 
And bunged up straightway were his sunken eyes, 

And then his throat was seized as in a vice. 
Whilst, as his breath was being shaken out, 

And he felt he would very quickly smother — 
Then, just before he fainted, came a shout, 

Of "Alice could not come ! but I'm her brother!" 



11. 
The Reverend Hippolytus Stock 

Was kept for several weeks in bed ; 
It was a very sudden shock, 

And very copiously he bled. 
He suffered very dreadful pain, 

His mental torture was still greater ; 
His nose will ne'er be straight again, — 

Let's hope his notions will be straighter ! 



XXXII. 

Thus told, or would, or could, or should have told 

Our hero Duan, in tolerable rhyme, 
The story of the Ritualist, so sold, 

A precious product of this popish time. 
Such men o'er wives and daughters get a hold, 

Combining snake-like venom with its slime. — 
Jon knew the details well ; he was no other 
Than the revenging metamorphosed brother. 

XXXIII. 

He'd seen his sister mope for weeks and weeks, 
And grow more melancholy every day ; 

He half suspected Ritualistic freaks, 

Knowing her inclinations went that way. 

At last, her fullest confidence he seeks, 

And learns enough to fill him with dismay ; 

Then warns her promptly of her wily foe, 

And lays the stratagem of which you know. 

XXXIV. 

When all his sister's clothes he had put on, ' 
And sought from paint and tweezers artful aid, 

No casual glance could have detected Jon, 
He looked so very like a pretty maid ; 

And with long tresses his head pinn'd upon, 
A perfect transformation was display'd. 

In fact, to Alice, for the parson's liking, 

He show'd resemblance very much too striking ! 

xxxv. 
Ex uno disce 07ii7ies / ; Tis a saying 

We cannot well too strongly bear in mind — 
Beware the clergymen at Popery playing, 

The set to priestly arrogance inclined ; 
They are, at best, beguiling and betraying 

The sacred ties around our hearts entwined. 
Husbands and Brothers ! stamp out like small-pox, 
Virus that breeds in the Confession-box. 



52 



JON DUAN. 




Canto The Fifth, 



ELL is a city (very) much like London "■ — 
The words are Shelley's, reader, not our 
own — 
If it be so, then there's no lack of Pun done 

Down in that place where Satan has his throne. 
Nor would the hardened sinner be quite undone, 

Were he sent there for sinning to atone. 
In fact, the Ranters would not make us cry, 
If we'd to go to London when we die. 

II. 

Of course there are two sides to every question, 
There's not a medal has not its obverse — 

Good dinners have their following indigestion, 
And London has its bad side and its worse; 

But, if we choose the good side and the rest shun, 
Who can our somewhat natural choice asperse ? 

If Duan chose what he thought best, with zest, 

'Tis not for us to say — Bad was his best. 

III. 

For all these things are matters of opinion — 
And one man's poison is another's meat ; 

We're not to say a man's the Devil's minion, 
Because no creed he happens to repeat ; 

Or doom to flames eternal, a Socinian, 
Because One God to him is all complete. 

All men have power to choose — by which we mean, 

There are such things as moral fat and lean. 

IV. 

The fat suits one, the lean may suit another ; 

And why should we, against our will, eat fat, 
Or force the lean on an unwilling brother, I 

Who thinks it fit to only feed the cat ? 
And if a man will eat nor one, nor t'other, 

He surely is best judge what he is at — 
No man's a right to, wholly or in part, 
Prescribe his brother's moral dinner carte. 

V. 
Wherefore, we say, we will not raise our voice 

To say what Duan chose as best was bad ; 
He, certainly, did not repent his choice, 

And very rarely was he hipp'd or sad ; 
An co7itraire,— 'm his youth he did rejoice, ' 

And who are we that he should not be glad ? 
He slept well, drank well, ate well, and his dinners 
Digested admirablv for a sinner's. 



JON DUAN. 



53 



VI. 

And, by-the-by, what is a sinner, pray ? 

" A man who sins." Then, prithee, what is sin ? 
Let rival sect'ries have on this their say, 

And each a different answer will begin. 
Which is confusing, and would cause delay, 

The fact being, we have to look within. 
What use are dogmas, doctrines, myths, and creeds? 
A man's own heart supplies the truth he needs. 

VII. 

But these digressions cannot be allow'd, 
Or we shall never tell how Duan fared ; 

Whilst seeking pleasure in the London crowd — 
How he was pleas'd and flatter'd, trick'd and 
snared — 

But, thanks to his good heart and lineage proud, 
Was yet from every degradation spared. 

And how he lived, and went a killing pace, 

With polished footsteps and a finished grace. 

VIII. 

No wonder Duan was a favourite, 

Or that his handsome person was admired ; 

That he was rather spoilt, if not so quite, 
And that no end of passions he inspired. 

It was indeed a trial by no means light 
When he from 'mongst the " upper ten" retired ; 

And all Society was rather riled 

When he took refuge in Bohemia's wild. 

IX. 
For, he was such a pet, his mirror's frame 

(He had a suite of rooms in Piccadilly) 
Was studded with the cards with which the game 

Of good Society is played. 'Tis silly 
How one admits a piece of pasteboard's claim, 

And has to do its bidding " willy-nilly," 
And dine and dance, and dawdle without measure, 
Because it is Society's good pleasure. 



No other mistress could be so severe, 
Or bully man so much, or so afflict him, 

As Duan found when, in his twentieth year, 
He to her tyranny became a victim ; 

And served her until, from exhaustion sheer, 
He well-nigh wished Society had kick'd him, 

Or that, still better, he had kick'd Society, 

And gone in for Bohemian variety. 



XI. 

Think what he went through ! How he'd to observe 
A code of laws unwritten, but Draconic, 

Which make life all straight lines without a curve — 
And so conservative and non-Byronic, 

That he who from their ruling dares to swerve 
Is punished with severity Masonic — 

The eternal laws of Fashion's legislature, 

Being ever urged 'gainst those who go for Nature. 



Duan soon found he had to dress by rule ; 

His own sartorial taste did not avail ; or 
Could he help the idea he was a fool 

When he had audiences of his tailor. 
Scorn mixed with pity filled the face of Poole 

As he, as though he had been Duan's jailer, 
To his directions turned a deaf ear, utter, 
And passed him on, unheeded, to the cutter. 

XIII. 

In vain Jon Duan very mildly states, 

He thinks that pattern and this cut will suit him ; 
The cutter coolly for his silence waits, 

Nor deigns to take thetrouble to refute him; 
But, standing sternly to " Le Coupeur" plates, 

Seems as a forward youngster to compute him, 
And simply says, as though to save all fuss — 
" Gents usually leave such things to us !" 

XIV. 

We know what that means; for, 'tis no small 
matter. 

Why do we wear to-day the "chimney-pot"? 
Because we leave our head-gear to our hatter, 

And not because one useful point it's got. 
Why not the old delusive notion scatter, 

And have a hat not heavy, hard, and hot ? — 
(That last line, we may make especial mention, 
Is worth the Cockney's serious attention.) 

xv. 
Think of the modern boot, and then say whether 

Such pedal torture must perforce be borne. 
Why not encase our feet in untann'd leather, 

And say farewell to blister and to corn ? 
Let boots and bunions pass away together, 

'Mid universal ecstasy and scorn ! 
We are but pilgrims, yet, can't there be made 
A single "Progress" without " Bunyan's" aid? 



54 



JON DVAN. 



XVI. 

Must we be always abject slaves, in fact, 

And martyrs to the taste of those who dress us ? 

Bear meekly all that Fashion does enact 

(She clothes poor woman in a shirt of Nessus !), 

And stand, and, like the tailors' dummies, act, 
Whilst into trussed-up blocks our snips com- 
press us ? 

Free Land ! Free Love ! — these two cries just now 
press : 

Well, add a third, and clamour for Free Dress ! 

XVII. 

Again, digression ! Duan meekly wore 

The clothes his first-class tailors kindly made 
him; 

Bought Hoby's boots, by Lincoln's "stove-pipe" 
swore ; 
And did his hair as Mr. Truefitt bade him : 

Had collars, gloves, and useless things galore, 
All which helped in Society to aid him — 

And warmly welcomed by Patricia's host, 

His name was daily in the Morning Post. 

XVIII. 

Here could be seen — who doubts the Morning 
Post ? 

Its articles are like the Thirty-nine — 
How often Duan with a noble host 

Would, with more victims, "greatly daring, 
dine!" 
And wonder that, with such parade and boast, 

There was so little food, and such bad wine ; 
And ask himself, with natural surprise, 
If noble hosts fed hunger through the eyes ? 

XIX. 
He dined with Omnium's Duke, that titled rake, 

Who keeps a private house of assignation ; 
Whose agents, from the West End, nightly take, 

Fresh damsels for his Grace's delectation ; 
Who, publicly, such efforts seems to make 

For wicked London's moral reformation ; 
And, as becomes his dignified position, 
Is liberal patron of the " Midnight Mission." 

xx. 
He dined with Earl Tartuffe, who takes the chair, 

When Vice requires his periodic strictures ; 
And when he dined, saw his collection rare 

Of obscene pamphlets and indecent pictures. 



Dined, too, with Lord Cinqfoil, in Blankley Square, 

Who is another of these curious mixtures ; 
Who has a name and reputation glorious, 
Yet takes his neighbours' spoons in way notorious. 

XXI. 
He put his legs 'neath Lord Maecenas' table, 

Who's so much money and so little mind, 
Whose sensuality smacks of the stable, 

Though he to Art and Music seems inclined. 
He fed with Viscount Quicksot, and was able, 

From after-dinner confidence, to find 
The strongest reason why this peer should press 
To rescue pretty nurse-girls in distress. 

XXII. 

He dined at Lambeth Palace with the saints, 
He dined at Richmond (often) with a sinner ; 

He found that nearly every lady paints, 
And laces far too tight to eat her dinner. 

Hidden, in upper circles, he found taints, 
'Neath a disguise that daily waxes thinner. 

And that for morals 'tis a very queer age, 

And more especially amongst the Peerage, 

XXIII. 

Yes, 'neath the very dull and placid level, 
He found the morals of high life but lame; 

Beneath its mask of etiquette, the Devil 
Promoting scandals that we dare not name. 

We'll leave th' expose to some future Greville, 
Nor hurt the fame of any high-born dame — 

Though, truth to tell, despite our Sovereign Lady, 

Society's repute was ne'er more shady. 

XXIV. 

The air is full of scandals of divorces, 

The smoking-rooms of Pall Mall reek with 
rumour ; 

And if we trace it to its various sources, 

'Tis not, we find, a freak of spite or humour. 

No ; everywhere demoralizing force is 

Right hard at work ; and in a very few more 

Years, if there is no change, our upper crust 

Will crumble up, destroyed — its lust in dust. 

xxv. 
At Brookes's, Prince's, at the " Rag " or Raleigh, 

Wherever Duan went, by night or day, 
The conversation turned, methodically, 

Upon patrician damsels gone astray ; 



JON DUAN. 



55 



2A Q? 



<> 



G^T 







K/LOAN I oFF i?J 




And scarce an anecdote or witty sally, 
But took a woman's character away. 
Titled transgressions seemed the only fashion ; 
And joys, unblessed by Church, the ruling passion. 

XXVI. 

But on the surface, as has been expressed, 

Society was placid as before, 
And called, and rode, and drove, and " drummed," 
and dressed, 

As though it had at heart no cancerous sore ; 
And Duan, being so much in request, 

Full often entered its portentous door, 
And, with a Spartan heroism, danced, 
Or tea'd at five o'clock with air entranced. 

XXVII. 

He went to many a hostess's "At home" — 
Where everybody is so much abroad — 

Through crammed-up halls and salons doomed to 
roam, 
Where, 'spite the heat, the etiquette's not thaw'd ; 

Up crowded staircases he slowly clomb, 

Hustled and pushed, and trodden on and 
claw'd ; — 

Such inconvenience much too great a price is 

To pay for cold weak tea and lukewarm ices. 

XXVIII. 

Or e'en to hear the last new baritone, 
Or shake the hand of the receiving Duchess, 

Or see the Heir-Apparent to the Throne, 
Trotted round proudly in her eager clutches; 

Or catch some flirting matron all alone, 
And make a future assignation; much is 

This last in vogue ; it is not hard to chouse 

The husbands, specially if in the "House." 

XXIX. 

They go, dear innocents ! and sit and snore, 

And vote to order in St. Stephen's Chapel ; 
Nor dream that gallant captains haunt their door, 
And Princes with their wives' fair virtue 
grapple ; 
And — well, our womankind are as ot yore, 

They have not changed since Eve devoured 
the apple, — 
But, 'twould be "rough" on Hannen, past all 

doubt, 
If half the husbands found their spouses out. 



56 



JON DUAN. 



XXX. 

It is not strange that, since our women marry 
For riches and position, name and fame, 

They seek for love elsewhere, and quickly carry 
A fierce flirtation on with some old " flame," 

And freely yield to Dick, or Tom, or Harry, 
The pleasant leisure-hours their lords should 
claim. 

And Duan found, when once well in the swim, 

His friends' wives made too many calls on him. 

XXXI. 

Whilst his friends' husbands, not to be outdone, 
Kept pretty, painted cages in " The Wood " ; 

With pretty birdies in them, full of fun, 
And often in a rather naughty mood ; — 

Thus is it that the double trick is done. 

(To speak such facts is, as we know, tabooed ; 

But we, spite Mrs. Grundy's interfering, 

Intend to strip off modern life's veneering.) 

XXXII. 

It's very thin, you scratch the Politician, 
And find that he's a hungerer for place ; 

The great Philanthropist — he makes admission 
His motives would his character disgrace ; 

The Bishop — and he mourns that his position 
Does not admit that he should go the pace — 

Removes from } r on Prude's face her veil, so thin, 

And, with a leer, she'll lure you into sin. 

XXXIII. 

Pull off the Church's gown, and she will stand 
A greedy tyrant, gorged with guilt and gold ; 

Take from Justitia's eyes the blinding band, 
And see her wink as truth is bought and sold ; 

The mask from Thespis snatch with sudden hand, 
And then in every London stage behold 

A mart for painted women, and an aid 

To padded Cyprians to ply their trade. 

XXXIV. 

Pull — no, please don't, on reconsideration ! 

Our hero's patient, but to keep him waiting, 
While we indulge in moral observation, 

Is calculated to be irritating. 
Besides, we have some further information 

To give you of his later doings, dating 
From those days when both wiser grown and older, 
He gave Society the frigid shoulder. 



xxxv. 
All her reputed pleasures he had tasted, 

And found them, oft repeated, apt to pall 
Upon his palate ; he no longer hasted 

To get an invite for the Prince's ball, 
And thought the hours were altogether wasted 

He spent in evening routs and morning call ; 
And even found, in time, to care one fails 
'Bout meeting Him of Cambridge or of Wales. 

xxxvi. 
He tired of Dudley's china and his pictures ; 

Nor cared for Pender's most elaborate " feeds "; 
He wearied of those Chiswick Garden mixtures, 

Where names so heterogeneous one reads. 
He shunned, at last, all Lady Devonshire's 
"fixtures," 

And feared the Waldegravian " friendly leads." 
And, as a child a powder or a pill dreads, 
Shirked Art at Mr. Hope's and Lady Mildred's. 

XXXVII. 

The Hamiltonian Hall no more he seeks, 
Nor treads the corridors of Leveson Gower ; 

The tableaux vivants down at Mrs. Freke's 
Raise no excitement in him as of yore ; 

He did not go to Grosvenor House for weeks, 
And never darkened Bentinck's ducal door. 

In fact, the more he saw, and heard, and knew, 

Did la creme de la creme seem but " sky-blue." 

XXXVIII. 

And even intrigues grew great bores at last, 
For they, too, savoured strongly of De Brett ; 

And, also, when a girl was more than fast, 
Her sin was fenced about with etiquette 

To such extent that Duan was aghast 
At an hypocrisy unequalled yet ; 

And longing for an unrestrain'd variety, 

Vow'd he would have the sins sans the society. 

xxxix. 
So he to the " ten thousand " bade adieu, 

And said *' Good-bye " to " Prince's " and its 
rink — 
(" Prince's " is too select for most of you, 

But there are warmish corners there, we think), 
And with regret he said " Farewell" to few 
Of those who'd given him their meat and 
drink : 



JON DUAN. 



57 




For as the average modern dinner goes, 
'Tis a fit torture not for friends but foes. 

XL. 

He also turned upon Mayfair his back, 
And wholly left Belgravia in the lurch ; 

Gladly he gave Tyburnia the "sack," 

In vain did Kensingtonia for him search ; 

He sailed completely on another tack, 

And gave up leaving cards or going to church — 

Sins of omission in the topmost zone, 

Which no committed virtues can condone. 

XLI. 

So now behold Jon Duan set quite free 

To suck the sweets from every London flower ; 

More like a butterfly, perhaps, than bee — 
For he did not improve the shining hour. 

And had you chance and money, then we'd see 
If you, good reader, would own virtue's power. 

For though the truth, sweet innocents, may hurt 
you, 

Necessity's a powerful aid to virtue. 

XLII. 
How often acrid women virtue boast, 

Of which a trial would be a new sensation ! 
So, all the goody-goody priggish host, 

Are prigs perforce — they follow their vocation. 
It is no credit to a senseless post, 

Because it does not fall into temptation ; 
Nor do we crown an icicle with laurels 
Because it hasn't thawn into soft morals. 

XLIII. 

Therefore, our hero we don't mean to censure 
For having, what in slang is called his " fling" ; 

He had to bear the sequel of his venture, 
And Nature is the goddess that we sing ! — 

For he who breaks her laws, or tries to wrench 
her 
Rules, so well balanc'd, naturally will bring — 

Sure as contempt has fallen on Bazaine — 

Just retribution and deserved disdain. 

XLIV. 

This granted, without any more preamble, 

Duan may start upon his search for pleasure ; 

We'll try to only chronicle his scramble, 
And not to moralize in every measure ; 



58 



JON DUAN. 



But if again we into preaching ramble, 

And weary out your patience and your leisure, — 
Why, blame the metre ! — which, of all we know, 
Most tempts one from the beaten track to go. 

XLV. 

The public pleasures of our wondrous city 
Are not so plentiful as one would think, 

Thanks to the sapient licensing committee, 

Who from the very thought of dancing shrink. 

The Alhambra's spoiled — it is a shame and pity; 
The Holborn's given up to meat and drink, 

And nothing could be just now so forlorn 

As passing a long evening at Cremorne ! 

XLVI. 

'Twas not in this direction Duan found 

The pleasure that he sought. He went, 'tis 
true, 

The usual dull and soul-depressing round, 
And raked and rioted till all was blue ; 

He trod, of course, the old familiar ground, 
And liked it not a whit more than did you, 

When you — consule Planco — 'woke with pain, 

And cursed the women and the vile champagne. 

XLVII. 

He went to the Alhambra, found it dirty, 
With " Ichabod " writ large upon its walls. 

He sought the " Duke's " about eleven thirty, 
And wandered listlessly through Argyle's Halls ; 

Saw Tottie, Lottie, Dottie, Mottie, Gertie, — 
And liquors stood responsive to their calls ; 

Thinking the openly conducted traffic 

Was far more Cityish in its tone than Sapphic. 

XLVII I. 
He lounged about the Haymarket, and smoked ; 

And felt quite sad amidst its scenes and sights ; 
He haunted bars, and with their Hebes joked, 

He " finished" at Kate H.'s, several nights ; 
He saw, God knows ! a mass of misery, cloak'd 

With ghastly gaiety, beneath the lights, 
Until the hideous visions made his soul burn, 
And sent him virtuously back to Holborn. 

XLIX. 

For he had taken Chambers in Gray's Inn, 
Since he had cut the West End so completely 



And had a laundress smelling much of gin, 

Who could do nothing noiselessly or neatly. 
'Twas here his other life he did begin, 

In rooms whose look-out, chosen most dis- 
creetly, 
Show'd those old elms, each one of them a big 

tree, — 
And here he sinned 'neath his own vine and fig- 
tree. 

L. 
If walls had ears ! — the notion is not new — 

You'd like to hear Jon Duan's tell their tale. 
And still, the same old notion to pursue, 

If chairs and sofas talked, we would avail 
Us of their confidences, also ; you 

May be quite sure that, were they writ, the 
sale 
Of these poor rhymes, then, would be more 

immense, 
Though hypocritic cries rose more intense. 

LI. 

As 'tis, we'd Figaro want to tabulate 
For us a list of all Jon Duan's loves ; 

To catalogue his cartes, each with its date, 

And give the history of the flowers and gloves, 

And snipp'd-off tresses, which in numbers great 
From time to time into his drawer he shoves. 

But, failing that, here is a peg to hang 

A little song upon, that once he sang. 



m>z Mails at Clamant. 

i. 

Maid of Clapham ! ere I part, 
Tell me if thou hast a heart ! 
For, so padded is thy breast, 
I begin to doubt the rest ! 
Tell me now before I go — 

Apr dov aXX pade virbpvG) ? 
2. 

Are those tresses thickly twined, 
Only hair-pinned on behind ? 
Is thy blush which roses mocks, 
Bought at three-and-six per box? 
Tell me, for I ask in woe — 

Apr dov aXX /xade VTropvQ? 



JON DUAN. 



59 



3- 
And those lips I seem to taste, 
Are they pink with cherry-paste? 
Gladly I'd the notion scout, 
But do those white teeth take out ? 
Answer me, it is not so — 
Apr 8ov aXX fxade vrropvd ? 

4- 
Maid ot Clapham ! come, no larks ! 
For thy shoulders leave white marks — 
Tell me ! quickly tell to me 
What is really real in thee ! 
Tell me, or at once I go — 
A/5r dov a\\ fjLcide virbpvQ ? 

LII. 

His taste for girls was certainly eclectic, 
He loved the dark ones even as the fair ; 

He liked complexions pale, complexions hectic, 
He liked black tresses, he liked golden hair, 

And ne'er got amatorily dyspeptic — 

Which is a state of heart by no means rare ; 

But managed by the means detailed above, 

To never be completely out of love. 

LIU. 

Gussie was dark, a perfect gipsy she, 

With sloe-black eyes, of raven hair an ocean ; 

With lips so red, they well might tempt the bee, 
And full of many a quaint artistic notion, — 

She was an artist's model, you could see 
It was so in her graceful, flowing motion. 

It must, we think, be a most pleasing duty 

To draw and paint the curves of female beauty. 

Liv. 
The girl had sat for many a well-known painter, 

Before her path across Jon Duan's came ; 
As beggar-girl, as sinner, and as saint, her 

Pretty face oft peeped from out a frame. 
In '73 no picture could be quainter 

Than that — it bore a rising painter's name — 
Which represented her in grandma's bonnet — 
We recollect that it called forth a sonnet. 

LV. 

Now Jon was no great artist, that was sure, — 
Not much he'd ever drawn but bills and 
cheques, 



But to improve, he managed to secure 
This model's services — nor did it vex 

Her, when, with face and voice alike demure, 
He called her the most lovely of her sex, 

And pleading but poor skill to paint her beauty, 

Yet many times a week essayed the duty. 



LVI. 

Nor did he weary of his occupation, 
For she was very jolly in her style ; 

Full of artistic chatter, animation 

In every look, and word, and frown, and smile. 

And she could play — a great consideration 

To have a giri who thus your time can while ; 

And take a hand at whist, and play it, too — 

A thing not one girl in ten-score can do. 



LVII. 

And naturally she was very skilful 
In falling into stock artistic poses ; 

A little petulant, sometimes, and wilful — 

Que voulez-vous ? Without a thorn no rose is. 

A " model " girl is very often still full 

Of that old Adam which the Church, you 
know, says 

Is in us all ; and which, as we're advised, 

Means all our hearts are old (Mc) Adamized. 



LVIII. 

Be this as 't may. In time Miss Gussie went, 
And fair-haired Looie reigned in her stead ; 

Whilst Duan seemed by no means discontent — 
Having escaped the plate flung at his head 

By the retiring beauty ; — nor gave vent 

To vain regrets, nor wished that he were dead. 

Instead of this, his spirits seemed to rally, 

As he cried, " L'Art est mort, so, Vive le Ballet!" 



LIX. 

For Loo was in the ballet at the Strand, 
And thus possess'd that halo of romance 

Which footlights ever throw on all who stand 
Before them, let them act, or sing, or dance. — 

It even spreads a little o'er the band — 

Nay, we a weak-kneed fellow knew by chance, 

Who was a very bad and drunken " super," 

'Cause his admirers treated him to " cooper." 



6o 



JON DUAN. 



LX. 

Looie was in the foremost row, a token 

She danced with more than average ability : 

And many a stallite's heart no doubt she'd 
broken 
With her plump legs and marvellous agility. 

But when our hero once to her had spoken, 
The intimacy grew with great facility. 

And as he knew the critics, and had means, 

Jon Duan spent much time behind the scenes, 

LXI. 

And waited for his charmer many nights, 

And hung about what ''Yanks" call the 
"theater " ; 

Supped to the full on Thespian delights ; 

But p'rhaps his feeling of delight was greater 

When she rehearsed new dances in her tights, 
He being her only critic and spectator. 

Had he been good, he should have tried to stop 
her, 

But, then, it is so nice to be improper. 

LXII. 

" Man's a phenomenon, one knows not what, 
And wonderful beyond all wondrous measure : 

'Tis pity, though, in this sublime world, that 
Pleasure's a sin, and sometimes sin's a pleasure." 

Which lines are Byron's. You will find them pat, 
If you look up Don Juan when you've leisure. 

If sin's unpleasant, as the churches din so, 

Then, why the dickens is it that we sin so ? 

LXIII. 

Is it unpleasant ? — that's the awkward question — 
And many sinners answer with a " No !" 

Jon Duan, when he had no indigestion, 
Thought it was most decidedly not so ; 

That if you pick your sins, and all the rest shun, 
You may most pleasantly through this world go. 

Which shows us plainly, 'spite his great vitality, 

How very cold and dead was his morality. 

LXIV. 

How else could he have dared to thus defy 
The ethics of society and Hymen ; 

And half a dozen amoratas try, 

Just like as many tarts bought of a pieman, 



And then dismiss them with a curt good-bye, 

As though they'd been so many Brighton flymen ? 
No ! if our hero had the right way fix'd on, 
Then what becomes of married life at Brixton — 

LXV. 

At Peckham, Clapham, Islington, and Walworth, 
At Ball's Pond, Pentonville, and Kentish Town? 

Surely these homes of misery you'll call worth 
The great rewards that virtue always crown. 

Jon Duan's wicked life is naught at all worth, 
And he and all like him must be put down. 

He's happy, truly, but his joy's unstable — 

Most married ones are always miserable. 

LXVI. 

Sewing-machines and cooks on trial we get, 
And horses we may try before we buy ; 

And ev'n if afterwards we should regret 

Our bargains, we can sometimes off them cry ; — 

But matrimonial bargains, don't forget, 
Last till one of the parties chance to die. 

'Twas knowing if he married, 'twas for life, 

Made Duan hesitate to take a wife. 

LXVI I. 
'Twas very wrong of him, of course, to do so : 

Men ought from marriage never thus to shrink ; 
For is it not ordained ? — Jon Duan knew so, 

And yet stood lingering at the altar's brink. 
He thought that he the life-long step might rue ; so 

Do others ; and there are some men who think 
Hannen would hear less charging and denial 
If we could take our spouses upon trial. 

LXVIII. 

On trial, indeed ! Why, not one in ten thousand 
Women would e'er be wed on such a term ; 

For rare's the one who does not break her vows, 
and 
Show very quickly that she has the germ 

Of mutiny within her, and makes rows, and 
Most speedily her husband's fears confirm. 

If married life were terminable at will, 

How many would next week be married still ? 

LXIX. 

How long our young friend loved the ballet 
dancer 
We do not mean to tell, nor shall we add 



JON DUAN. 



61 




More details of his charmers ; 'twould not answer 
To waste so much space on what is so bad. 

No ! let us shun the subject like a cancer, 
'Twould only make us and our readers sad. 

We will, instead, with their permission, fit a 

Small song in here — Jon sung it with his zither. 



Co etfjcl. 

i. 

O, pocket edition of Phryne ! 

Your robe is bewitchingly Greek ; 
O, kiss me, my charmer most tiny — 

I mean on my mouth, not my cheek. 
Come, sit on my knee and be jolly — 

The classical's now out of date — 
And let us toast passion and folly — 

For you are not marble, thank fate ! 



What ! haven't you heard of her story, 

And how all her judges she won, 
By suddenly showing her glory 

Of beauty, which warmed like the sun? 
Yes, that was in Cecrops' fair city, 

And we are 'neath London's green trees- 
But, Tiny, you're aw T fully pretty, 

And I'll be your judge, if you please. 



LXX. 

Love is an ailment dangerously zymotic — 
'Twould be no use for us to here deplore 

That Duan's song has savour so erotic — 
No ! we will leave him on his second-floor, 

Puffing the weed the doctors call narcotic, 
And with his eyes fixed keenly on his door — 

Whom he expects it's not for us to say, 

It isn't his old laundress, any way. 

LXXI. 

What are the Mission people all about, 

That to Gray's Inn they do not send a preacher ? 

Why to Ashanti and Fiji go out, 

And leave unvisited by tract or teacher 

The district where the foolish fling and flaunt, 
And sink the Christian too much in the creature ? 

Call back ! say we, the men from Timbuctoo, 

There's better work at home for them to do. 



62 



JON DUAN. 



LXXII. 

We mean to start a Mission of our own, 

To preach the Testament in Grosvenor Square ; 

And when the funds sufficiently have grown, 
We'll send a Missionary to Mayfair ; 

And we'll leave large-type leaflets on the throne, 
And preach in Pall Mall in the open air : 

In time, too, we'll endeavour to arrange 

A set of sermons for the Stock Exchange. 

LXXIII. 

The texts used there shall be, " Thou shalt not 
steal," 

And ,l Lying lips are an abomination" ; * 
All the discourses should most plainly deal 

With paper frauds and bubble speculation. 
How sweet to make a cheating broker kneel 

In penitent and tearful agitation ! 
Surely one London broker on his knees 
Is worth a score of Christianised Burmese. 

LXXIV. 

What could be grander than a " Bull " in tears, 
Or a " Bear " giving up all he possesses ? 

How pleasant to the missionary's ears 

When some McEwen his dark deed confesses, 

And promises repentance ! when the jeers 

Of jobbers cease ; and all the Mission presses 

Spread the glad news that, as they're just advised, 

Fifteen stockbrokers were last night baptized. 

LXXV. 

Oh ! what a noble work the news to spread 
Amongst the streets and alleys of the City ; 

To tell the heathens there wrfat has been said 
Of those who have no principle or pity : 

To pour denunciation on their head, 

And wake up Lothbury with a pious ditty ; 

And oh ! how eagerly we yearn and pant 

To send a special missionary to Grant ! 

LXXVI. 

And this should be his message — " Albert ! thou 
Of whom 'tis said, • He waxeth fat and kicketh,' 



* These passages are evidently not'included in the " Scrip- 
ture " in use in Capel Court ; though we suppose it is 
generally known there that " Barabbas was a publisher." 
We have heard of the "Thieves' Litany," maybe there is 
such a volume in existence as the " Stockbrokers' Bible." 



Let fear and trembling come upon thee now, 
For closer than a leech McDougal sticketh ; — 

Let consternation sit upon thy brow 

When thought of 'Emma,' thy profuse heart 
pricketh, — 

Nor glory in thy riches — house or arable — 

But recollect the rich fool in the parable ! " 

LXXVI I. 
The " upper ten " there parlous state should see; 

There should be preaching at the Carlton Club ; 
A Boanerges should the preacher be, 

With words and will Aristos' sin to drub. 
And Lazarus should come from penury, 

And hold forth in the '* Row," upon a tub. 
Whilst some great light — the "toppest" of top- 
sawyers — 
Should the New Testament proclaim to lawyers. 

LXXVI II. 

The publishers, too, must not be forgotten, 
Since great above all others is their need ; 

For Paternoster Row is getting rotten, 

And worships but one God, and that is 
" Greed." 

To lie, cheat, cozen, and to cringe and cotton, 
Is now the publisher's adopted creed ; 

They're grasping, greedy, vulgar, and omni- 
vorous, — 

From publishers, we pray, Good Lord deliver us ! 

LXXIX. 

Our readers perhaps by this time will be ready, 
To pray to be delivered from us ; — 

Our Pegasus, in fact, had got his head, he 
Often bites his bit, and bolts off thus. 

But now we promise that his pace we'll steady, 
And, without any further fume or fuss, 

To Duan we'll return, though, since we started, 

He very likely has to bed departed. 

LXXX. 

There let us leave him — for 'tis doubtless best 
To "ring down" whilst we set the next new 
scene on — 

Leaning, it may be, on a maiden's breast,— 
Happy the man's who's such a place to lean on ! 

For certain he's caressing or caress'd : — 
But it is two a.m.; and we have been on 

Rhythmical duty since we dined at eight : 

We'll put the light out — it is getting late. 



JON DUAN. 



63 



Canto The Sixth. 





THE BRITISH 'DRAMATIST. 




1. 

U Grand Hotel, Paris, the 10th November — 
Dear Boy, — The stage is going to the 
deuce, 
The kiosques, naked, and there's not an ember 

Of fiery France alive. It is no use 
To seek the Imperial Paris we remember, 

Dear Venus Meretrix of cities, loose 
But lovely, and beloved — of Saxon tourists, 
Who when abroad are not such rigid purists. 



" School atlases still tell us it's called Paris, 
They talk French still, a little, in its walls — 

Though nasal North American less rare is ; 
There still are cafes, and the naughty balls ; 

The Boulevards — though they're widowed of Gus 
Harris, 
Are not precisely hung with shrouds and palls ; 

Crowds, not more virtuous and not more solemn, 

Still saunter past the new-erected Column. 

III. 

" Still in the Palais Royal, yellow covers, 

Abhorred by strict mammas in England, beg 

Attention to their tales of loves and lovers, 

Crammed full of wholesome nurture as an egg — 

Still, at street crossings, prurient Saxon rovers 
Look shocked at some faint soupcon of a leg, 

Disclosed by vicious sylph or luring modiste, 

Loose-principled — but very tightly bodiced. 

IV. 

" But the sweet home of British drama — that is 
A thing to seek as Schliemann seeks for Troy — 

Home of the Capouls, Schneiders, Faures, and 
Pattis, 
Who take our millions, and who give us joy — 

The birthplace of all persona? dramatis 
That e'er amused since Taylor was a boy, 

Where is it ? — where's the generous Providence 

Whence'all of us draw plots, and fame, and pence ? 

V. 
" Where's the great reservoir of milk and water 

Which Oxenford's keen pen was wont to tap, 
Before that horrid Madame Angot's daughter 

Had made the pure old five-acts seem like pap ? 



64 



JON DUAN. 



Those old ' grandes machines] full of fire and 
slaughter, 
And doeskin boots, that soothed one's evening 
nap, 
Where are they ?— Ah ! they have left this drear 

and pallid day 
To Walter Scott, improved by Andrew Halliday. 

VI. 

" The Vaudeville, preposterous and broad, 

Where heroes in check suits could damn a bit, 

And into bed get, while the house guffawed— 
And those brave poker-scenes that made us 
split — 

The singing chambermaids who weren't outlawed 
By chaste dress circles that like Gilbert's wit — 

The gay old farce, loud, jovial, coarse, and fat — 

Hasn't disastrous Sedan left us that ? 

VII. 

" It hasn't, I assure you — not a line. 

I've tried the Varices and Palais Royal, 
But though our H.R.H.'s tastes incline 

To that snug house— and though I'm strictly 
loyal — 
I can't find the old salt ; defeats refine, 

And theatres here have grown so very coy all, 
They have not one poor smile for " adaptators " — 
Those eunuchs who all yearn to look like paters. 

VIII. 

" As poor Brooks said—' There's nothing in the 
papers,' 

And I remark there's nothing on the stage— 
The old familiar bony legs cut capers, 

Their owners in the old intrigues engage 
Before the usual crowd of languid gapers, 

Kept silent by the sanctity of age. 
Lemaitre and Bernhardt still pass round the hat, 
Leonide's still lean, and Celine's still fat. 

IX. 

" And there you have the worst of the collapse 
Of our dear famous factory of plays. 

Now, what is to be done ? We're tired of traps, 
And care no more to see blue-fire ablaze 

Around three-score old ladies, who want caps 
And snuff to comfort their declining days. 

Poor Comedy, the Comedy of Sheridan, 

Is done— and Mrs. Bancroft echoes : Very done. 



" The Demi-monde won't do : it is enticing, 
I own — but no ; it really will not do, 

E'en though we made it seemlier by splicing 
A rozte and a courtezan or two, 

According to the English way of icing 

French fancies, found red-hot and deemed too 
true ; 

And even then, when we have changed the visors, 

There's always that prude Piggott with the scissors. 

XL 
"Always those scissors ! HaleVy might yield 

A thing or two, and Meilhac's not quite dried ; 
But what can a poor devil do when sealed 

To that old haggard Spiritual bride, 
The Censorship? Its maimed limbs scarcely healed, 

On to the stage your poor piece takes a stride, 
And halts half-way, then with a limp crawls out — 
For those official shears are worse than gout. 

XII. 

"I think we must encourage 'native talent' — 
That's how we'll make our poverty seem grand, 

And not at all enforced by the repellant 
Airs of our French originals. Your hand 

Put into those deep drawers, where all the gallant 
And unplayed amateurs, a numerous band, 

Have left the ashes of their simple hopes — 

Those MSS. that no one ever opes. 

XIII. 
" Perhaps you'll find a pearl of rarest price, 

Or rubbish written by a lord, which will 
Do quite as well ; the public aren't too nice 

When a peer condescends to hold a quill. 
Give it to Byron — he'll put in the spice. 

But as for here — my verdict still is : nil! 
There's not a piece to steal, so we must do one 
Ourselves. Ta, ta, old boy ; tibi— Jon Duan." 

XIV. 

One doesn't always call a manager 
Old boy, or write as lengthily as this. 

Some, one should call " My Lord," one " Reverend 
Sir," 
And many a " Mrs." more correctly " Miss !" 

But fame, thank Heaven, 's a glorious leveller, 
And straight inducts you into that great bliss 

Of penetrating the most awful portals, 

And treating even managers as mortals. 



JON DUAN. 



67 



xv. 
The person whom Jon Duan thus addressed 

Had an odd mania — general with his class— 
For novelties, without which Spring's no zest 

In managerial eyes : he'd fix his glass, 
Perceive the world with April-green new-dressed, 

And only think : the Spring's turned up the gas, 
We've done Burnand— for fear of a reversal, 
It's time to put Bob Reece into rehearsal. 

XVI. 

He'd got Jon Duan this year— a rare catch, 
That bothered Buckstone sorely, and made 
Bateman 

Talk privately of bowie-knives ; a batch 
Of critics— his club-fellows— all elate, man 

The yards of paper barks, where they keep watch 
On actors, ready to call Irving great man, 

And Neville, stick ;— or quite the other way : 

It just depends on what their rivals say. 

XVII. 
Hollingshead hides his head; the craft looks sour, 

From classic Surrey to coquettish Court. 
It's such a glorious thing to get the flower 

Of a young author's mind, whom wide report 
Proclaims the sovereign genius of the hour, 

And when the stale Byronic stream runs short — 
Which even that perpetual fountain may, 
When Gilbert's proper, and " Old Sailors" pay. 

XVIII. 

You managers, when wearied — as you weary 
The public — of the tight dramatic ring 

That writes eulogious notices, and dreary 
Dramas, alternately, from Spring to Spring, 

Don't dare too much — and don't revive Dundreary, 
But simply ask a man whom critics sing, 

And at whose feet the publishers all grovel, 

To dialogue you his last prurient novel. 

XIX. 
There is your man. He's been well advertised, 

Which saves a lot of posting and of puffs ; 
You know the papers where his copy's prized, 

And which, therefore, are sure not to be rough 
On his new venture. Then a book, disguised 

In five acts, with a new name's just the stuff 
To run two hundred nights ; we all adore 
Hearing the jokes we've read a month before. 



xx. 

But, following the ancient pure tradition 
Of English art to borrow from the French, 

Jon Duan had set out upon a mission, 

To see what Paris drama one could wrench 

Into a Saxon shape, by clever scission 
Of evil branches, which emit a stench 

We breathe with rapture at the " Delass. Com.," 

But call a pestilential death at home. 

XXI. 

And seeing there was nothing that could give 

The Insular adapter a fair chance 
To catch the rare French nectar in a sieve — 

For that's the way we get our sustenance, 
Who don't know French, go to the play — and live ! — 

Jon Duan shook the sterile dust of France 
From off his feet, and reappeared in town, 
Resolved to bring out three acts of his own. 

XXII. 

Then in a dim and dusty room, somewhere 

Near Covent Garden, a dull chamber, smelling 

Of orange-peel and gas, the native air 

Of Thespis, there ensued long talk, which 
dwelling 

On things theatrical, would make the hair 

Of stage-struck youths stand upright — so re- 
pelling, 

Hard and materialistic as a Hun's, 

The manager who's looking for long " runs." 

XXIII. 

" I have told you so : I'd much prefer a bouffe, 
A boitffe of thorough native growth : d'you see ? 

Something that we can say affords a proof 
Wit and song ain't a French monopoly. 

Something that shows at times the cloven hoof — 
Of Meilhac, great in impropriety, 

But sentimental chiefly — even sad, 

A Tennysonian pastoral gone mad. 

XXIV. 

"There'd be a part for Cecil — heavy father, 
Eccentric, muddle-headed : that's his line. 

We must give little Lou a lift — I'm rather 
Spoony on little Lou ; besides, she'll shine, 

If you but give her a catch-song to gather 
The plaudits of the gods with. There's a mine 

Worth working — there's ten thousand pounds in 
that— 

And, by-the-by, give Isabel some fat. 



68 



JON DUAN. 





XXV. 

" Lord D insists upon it : Bella must 

Have three good scenes, at least, in which to drop 

Her h's — or the old boy will entrust 
His love and money to a rival shop. 

There's Belamour, too, who will not be thrust 
Into a minor part ; he'll want a sop, 

Because of those fine legs of his, on which 

He counts to catch a "relict" old and rich. 

XXVI. 

"As for the rest, we'll have a galaxy 

Of stars seduced by gold from lesser spheres: 

Cox, Terry, Toole, Brough, and the rest ; you'll see 
We'll do the thing superbly Now, my dears !" 

(This to two pleasing damsels who'd made free 
To push the door ajar, and stood all ears, 

And those all red, regarding the uncertain 

And ghostly region called Behind the Curtain.) 

XXVII. 

The postulants, for such they were, of course, 
Were average growths of English womanhood, 

Sprung from the same poor petty tradesman source, 
Not capable of much ill or much good ; 

But conscious of some appetite perforce 

Restrained, the which in their weak natures stood 

For mind, ambition, heart — some simple needs 

Of love, champagne, fine dresses, and good feeds. 

XXVIII. 

We all know, though decorum keeps us mute, 
How shop-girl, servant wench, and seamstress 
feel, 

When pretty broughams of world-wide repute 
Bear sinning sisters by on rapid wheel, 

And Regent Street's battalions, in pursuit 

Of night-bound swell, flash by them, down at heel 

And threadbare, thinking — not : how shocking ! — 
oh no — 

But simply of their labouring lives : Cut bono t 

XXIX. 

Cut bono, having learnt one's catechism 
And making shirts for close on ninepence each ? 

Cui bono, all this vulgar heroism 
That only serves to make a parson preach 

About our pure examples ? Egotism, 

That's what you pay — the moral that you teach ; 

Vice has its brougham, Virtue its foul alley — 

This is the reason why girls join the Ballet. 



JON DUAN. 



69 



XXX. 

The first one of the two who spoke had passed 
The Rubicon, and left false shame behind her ; 

Her bonnet might have been a whit less fast, 
Her speech a bit more modest and refined ; her 

Red hands bulged from Jouvin's gloves. She cast 
A side-leer at Jon Duan rather kinder 

Than their acquaintance warranted, and said 

She knew the business ; she'd already played. 

XXXI. 
" At the East End Imperial Bower of Song, 
I used to sing ' The Chick-a-Leary Bloke/ 
With breakdown, all complete. 'Twas rather 
strong — 
The beaks refused the licence. But I've spoke 

To (here she whispered earnestly and long) 

He'll come down handsomely : just one small 
joke, 
And then a dance. What ! fifty pounds ! — Well, 

then, 
Youll throw a speech in for another ten." 

XXXII. 
" It's sixty pounds ; no salary at first." 

And then the manager turned round: "And 
you?" 
The second humble applicant was cursed 

With knowledge of her own defects, and drew 
Back as he spoke. Then feebly from her burst : 

" I heard you wanted figurantes who knew 
Something of music, prepossessing — Oh, 
I want to know, sir, if I'm like to do !" 

XXXIII. 

Jon Duan pitied ; but his friend looked stern. 

This one had no Protector and no past. 
She couldn't pay, and might expect to earn 

Her living— the pretension of her caste, 
Who in each yawning trap and slide discern 

Mines where all women's treasures are amassed — 
Diamonds, Bond Street dresses, silks and sashes, 
And tall Nonentities with blond moustaches. 

XXXIV. 

" Young woman, you may do ; I don't object 
To trying you: just bring your ' props' next 

week " 

" Props ?" " That's your shoes and tights ; but 

recollect, 
You're never likely to do more than speak 



Ten words, and show — your ankles. We expect 

Our ladies to wear costumes new and chic, 
Which they provide — with some gems of pure 

water 

The salary ? It's five pounds ten per quarter. 

XXXV. 

" You couldn't live on that ? Of course you ean't. 

Did you expect it? — Where have you been 
taught ? — 
A brougham's at the door : its occupant 

Gets one pound ten a week — and she's just 
bought 
A pair of bays — which proves she's not in want. 

No, no, young woman, salaries are nought — 
Our treasurer don't count ; you'll find far finer — 
A millionaire — a dotard — or a minor. 

xxxvi. 
" All of them do it : it's the modern plan 

Of getting up a pretty ballet cheap ; 
And since the public don't like Sheridan — 

Except as Amy — and since we can't keep 
Ladies — most of them of enormous space — 

In silken robes and satin shoes ; we leap 
At amateurs with protegees, whose rage 
It is to see their darlings on the stage." 

XXXVII. 

Then they went back to business, and talked over 
Which points Odell should make, which speeches 
Stoyle ; 

If Wyndham or Lai. Brough should do the lover, 
Say with Laverne or Farren as a foil. 

And whether Miss A.'s part was not above her, 
Or Miss B. meet Miss C. without a broil.— 

In short, the heavy talk, the prime First Cause 

Of plays received with rapturous applause. 

XXXVIII. 

Jon Duan gave in to the bouffe idea, 

His hopes resigning of regenerating 
The public taste. He gazed, and could but see a 

Vast Amphitheatre, its lungs inflating 
With one loud universal Ave Dea, 

Madonna Cascade of our own creating, 
Gross, gaudy goddess of our fleshly charlatan 
Period, with tinsel wings and robes of tarlatan. 

xxxix. 

That is the cry, the Ideal Oh, Rare Ben, 

See what they've made of your old jovial muse ! 



7G 



JON DUAN. 




Enter, great Shade, no matter where or when, 
The bill of fare's the same — you cannot choose. 

It's an Aquarium — and once again 

Fifty familiar naked backs one views — 

Then naked breasts, legs, naked arms with wings 

Of gauze — innumerable naked things ! 

XL. 

The footlights glow on thin arms, twisted knees, 
Lean shoulders rising, fleshy chins that drop ; 

Oh for the awful busts' concavities ! 

Oh for the busts that don't know where to stop. 

They smirk, and grin, and ogle at their ease, 
But one thinks vaguely of a butcher's shop 

Lit up on Saturdays — one hears the cry, 

A cry they all might echo : " Come, buy, buy !" 

XLI. 

Ah, one divines how, mute, the song-nymphs flee, 
And Watteau's muse drops down the magic brush 

Before that swollen, restless, muddy sea 

Of shapeless flesh, pink with a painted blush ; 

Those meagre shoulder-blades that don't agree, 
Those overflowing waists that corsets crush, 

Those poor old calves, for twice a hundred nights 

Entombed with pain in cherry-coloured tights. 

XLII. 

A sprite, long, lean, and languid as a worm, 
A sprite that trails a cotton-velvet cloak, 

Carols a topic song, with not a germ 

Of tune or sense in it. Ay, Ben, they croak — 

These mounds of chignons-false and flesh-infirm — 
Dreary distortions of thy Attic joke, 

With tripping feet and leering eyes, and shifty, 

As if they weren't all grandmammas of fifty ! 

XLIII. 

Oh Byron, Farnie, oh Burnand, and Reece, 
Maybe your consciences are very full, 

For you've committed many a dreary piece ; 
But oh, we'd hold your grievous sinnings null 

If you had not — Heaven send your souls release ! — 
You — and some thousand bales of cotton-wool — 

Produced, to torture your long-suffering patrons, 

That bevy of obese and padded matrons ! 

% 

XLIV. 

But Goldie, Cibber, Knowles, whene'er we pray 
For one gleam of your wit or poesy ; 

When with the jingle of Lecocq, and bray 
Of Offenbach distraught, we make a plea 



JON DUAN. 



7i 



For Tobin or for Coleman — for the gay 

Old glorious peal of laughter, frank and free- 
Bah ! cry the lessees — Helicon ! — a treat ! — 
Sir — what the public dotes upon is Meat ! 



XLV. 

And faith, they get it, calves and necks, huge 
. boulders 

Smeared with cold-cream, and bismuth, and 
ceruse; 
Not much heart anywhere, but such fine shoulders ! 

Not much art, but such bright metallic hues ! 
Fat Aphrodites — born for their beholders 

From froth of champagne-cup — upon their cruise 
To spoil our gilded youth, dupe hoary age, 
Making a bagnio of the British stage. 

XLVI. 

Jon Duan passed some agonizing weeks, 
Conning Joe Miller and his Le?npriere ; 

Laying the strata of burlesque in streaks 
Of slang and puns ; also refusing fair 

Touters for parts, with badly painted cheeks, 
And insolently red and oily hair; 

Who pet one — till you don't know where to get to — 

That is the worst of writing a libretto. 



XLVII. 

The paragraph, which, to the Era carried, 
The world tells that you're "on" a bonffe, 
wakes up 

Three hundred ladies, who have found life arid, 
Because they never dine, and seldom sup, 

And who begin to pester you : if married, 
With gall they fill your matrimonial cup ; 

If single — well, of course they will not hurt you — 

Only their friendship don't conduce to virtue ! 



XLVIII. 

As for the writing — that's the easiest part — 
So easy, that if it the public guessed, 

They'd never pay to see Burnand, but start 
A theatre themselves — perhaps the best. 

A plot — who listens? — Dialogue — it's smart 
If loose : for ladies, have them much undressed, 

Have two French mimics, lime-light, vulgar jokes, 

Danseuses like Sara, villains like Fred Yokes. 



XLIX. 

The formula's quite simple : all depends 
On an anachronism, the more absurd 

The better. Take a monarch and his friends 
From Livy— Roman — for they're much preferred, 

The Grecian's quite used up except for bends — 
Send them to Prince's, and pretend they've heard 

Of Gladstone's pamphlets, Arnim's case, whatever 

You choose, provided that you're not too clever. 

L. 
Talent will kill. Leave actors to invent 

Whatever gags they can ; they'll find a number, 
Not too refined, about each day's event, 

At those dramatic " publics " which encumber 
The lanes of Covent Garden. If they're spent, 

And find the audience somewhat prone to 
slumber, 
A wink, grimace, a slang phrase — clownish acting — 
That stirs your patrons up — they're not exacting. 

LI. 

They have broad backs, and not too lively brains ; 

They'll bear whatever burdens you impose ; 
So that the playbill says it entertains, 

Don't think of them — they'll never hiss nor doze, 
Provided you leave room for Herve's strains, 

And give them a perspective of pink hose 
From back to footlights, in bright buoyant 

masses — 
Before six hundred levelled opera-glasses. 

LII. 

Jon Duan at his writing-table, strewn 
With delicately scented little notes — 

All begging him, as a tremendous boon, 
To lengthen parts and shorten petticoats — 

Wrote feverishly ; and, humming o'er a tune, 
Beside him lounged his partner — who devotes 

His life to writing can-can and fandango — 

Waiting for his hour and his Madame Angot. 

LIII. 

" I must have that new song to-morrow — that 
About the second-class — four lines of six, 

And two of four for chorus. You've been flat 
Of late ; redeem yourself this time, and mix 

The Old Hundredth up with Hervd's pit-a-pat, 
Or any other of their Paris tricks." 

The maestro grumbled — then, remembering 

Gluck's works at home — said he had just the thing. 



72 



JON DUAN. 




LIV. 
" Have you heard anything from Piggott ?" said he, 

After a pause, in which Jon Duan's quill 
Ran fiercely. " I'm afraid our chance is shady, 

Unless you drop those jokes he's taken ill." 
Just then the servant came, and said a lady 

Wanted Jon Duan, and the maestro, still 
Humming, went, leaving the field free to fair 
Miss Constance Smith— Fitz-Fulke by nom de 
guert e. 

LV. 

The sweetest little creature man has ever 

Paid modiste's bills for ; clouds of breezy curls 

Blowing about her face, from such a clever 
And daring poem of a hat. She furls 

Her veil, and, drugging one — and spreading fever — 
Fever of love and longing, round her whirls 

A wind of subtle scents, corrupt and vicious — 

Monstrous— exaggerated — and delicious ! 

LVI. 

Wine-scarlet was her mouth— a flower of blood — 
A flower fed by the dew ofjcnany kisses ; 

And her eyes, fathomless, made one's heart thud, 
Though nought lay in their violet-grey abysses ; 

She was a creature, on the whole, who could 
Give man a vast variety of blisses — 

The bliss of wooing, quarrelling, and playing — 

With one monotonous — the bliss of paying ! 

LVII. 

And yet she doesn't merit all the stones 
Austere and portly ladies, who " sit under" 

Good parsons, are prepared to fling : she owns 
Some fervent, heavenly impulses, that sunder 

Those venal lips, and break out in meek moans, 
Not less sincere than Pharisaic thunder, 

About her sinfulness — whence fall, at times, 

Prayers not less pure because they follow rhymes. 

LVIII. 

It is a little bosom full of eddies 

And counter-eddies, gusts, and whirls of whims, 
That turn, re-turn her, till her pretty head is 

A chaos of conflicting thoughts, and swims, 
A labyrinth through which no man can thread his 

Way—for she shifts and turns, and tacks and 
trims 
So wildly, that Jon Duan's lighter, gayer 
Poem — composed much later — must portray her. 



JON DUAN. 



73 



learnt (Hzlimmt. 
i 
I'd give — the bliss she's given me — to perceive 
What moves her most — Caprice or Charity. 
Turn her glove back— just where it meets the 
sleeve — 
You smell involved incense, and patchouli. 

2. 
The march of music up long aisles, the dirges, 

Ormolu censers, waxen saints and lights, 
Move the frail facile heart, albeit she merges 

Devoutest days in Saturnalian nights. 



I'd have you watch her as she bends alone 
In some prim pew, her mouth composed, hands 
crossed — 

Fancying, vaguely, the priest's monotone 
Is something like Faure's lower notes in Faust. 



She seeks salvation with the beautiful, 

Loves David's psalms — no less than Swinburne's 
sonnets — 
Respects the Follet like a papal bull, 
And holds we're saved by perfect faith — and 
bonnets. 

5- 
Her mode of charity includes a ball ; 

And such her pity of each pauper claimant — 
Watching her waltz, one deems she's given all — 
Even like St. Martin — more than half her rai- 
ment. 

6. 
When she comes begging for a fund or mission, 

Jew, Greek, Voltairian, weak or very wise, 
You give your obolus — with shamed contrition, 
When Heaven returns it threefold through her 
eyes. 

7- 
And when you've watched Saint Celimene receding, 

Veiled like a Quakeress in coif of grey, 
The recollection of her tender pleading 

Makes you admire Lord Ripon, for the day. 

8. 
Nor that same evening, when she quits the cloister, 

Is the antithesis of her bare breast 
Aught than a drop of acid with one's oyster — 

The peppery pod that gives the dish a zest. 



9- 
For though one lose the fabled fox's quiet 

When the good grapes to low lips' level fall ; 
She seems more fit for mankind's daily diet — 

" And she might like one really, after all." 

10. 
Like one ! to her guitar's erotic thrum 

She sets the preacher's precept : love all men ; 
And founds her plea for pardon on multum — 

Et multos — amavi — like Magdalen. 

n. 
She makes a dainty mouth of doubt ; her fan 

Rebukes that soft Parisian purr: Je t'aime ! 
But she loves you — well, even as she can — 

A month or two — and then forgets your name. 

12. 
Forgets it all — till one day when her vapours 

Dispose to prayer the two months' devotee, 
And in the glow of Ritualistic tapers, 

She finds a love not in her breviary. 



LIX. 

Aye, she was Moliere's heroine, the jade ! — 

" I am Miss Constance Fitzfulke." Duan bowed. 

" They call me Rattlesnake." "Who's they ?" he 
said ; 
And felt, somehow, girls should not be allowed 

To make eyes of the enticing kind she made. 
"They? — Why the fellows — all of them— a 
crowd, 

De Lacy, Pierpoint, Charlie Lisle — you know," 

" I understand — you're not what one calls — slow !" 

LX. 
st Slow — not a bit, I'm fast as an express — 

Upon the Midland — and as dangerous. 
One of those dolls all you men die to dress, 

So that your wives may safely copy us ; 
You've got a part for me — now come, confess — 

You have one : something nice and frivolous, 
None of your high art that thins all the houses 
Of managers with tragic girls and spouses. 

LXI. 

" You'll hear me sing ; you'll see me dance : I 
flatter 

Myself in both I'll rather startle you. 
You see we vagabond ne'er-do-wells scatter 

The old traditions to the winds. We're new, 



74 



JON DUAN. 




And young, and — well, not hideous." Staring at 

her, 
Jon Duan, with conviction murmured : " True.' 
« We Ve seen life off the stage ; while your old 

shoppy 
Damsels know nought beyond a prompter's copy. 

LXII. 

" Our boudoirs, which are little Royal Exchanges, 

Afford a curious study of mankind ; 
Roam as you like, from Tiber to the Ganges, 

And not a better point of sight you'll find. 
But the pure player's vision seldom ranges 

Beyond— say that small spy-hole in the blind, 
Through which we peer to see if he is in 
His stall j if ' paper' 's in the house — or ' tin.' 

LXIII. 
" Therefore my play will be original, 

I'll be myself upon the boards— a thing 
The critic always sees — and ever shall, 

Till players are cultivated, and don't spring, 
Like lichens, from the vestiges of all 

Professions they have failed in ; covering 
Gown, surplice, red coat that's grown limp and 

dangles, 
With tragic robes or acrobatic spangles." 

LXIV. 

Oh, wiser than the serpent — and much harder 
Than any stone, becomes the lovely woman 

Who looks on London streets as a vast larder — 
A Hounslow Heath where she can stop and do 
man 

Out of his purse and life. Good fortunes guard her, 
As though the one dear creature, frankly human, 

In our sick century, whose jaundiced face is 

Veiled, and who sespeech one endless periphrase is. 

LXV. 

Is 't vile — the Demi monde? — Why, sale and 
barter 
In noble drawing-rooms, are just the same, — 
The dot, the face, the hoary lechers garter, 

The father's money, and the mother's shame. 
Let trousseaux rain, let diamonds of pure water 
Deck the dear well-bred maid who's made her 
game ! — 
Arrange for monsieur's mistress, madame's car- 
riage — 
You parody a vile Haymarket marriage. 



JON DUAN. 



75 



LXVI. 

The wicked Demi monde ! — well, is your monde 
So whole and sound and healthy ? Are your 
wives 

Much better than "the others," and less fond 
Of princes, lions, lead they purer lives ? 

And is the Social Evil far beyond 

Your pinchbeck imitation ? If it thrives, 

Is it because it's honester and franker, 

And don't put so much cold cream on the canker ? 

LXVII. 

We never held Jon Duan an example 

Of virtue, such as one finds in the Peerage — 

Which teems, of course, with many a brilliant 
sample 
Of godliness — above all in the sere age, 

When man's ability to sin aint ample — 

But lots of genteel Josephs will, I fear, rage 

(And wish they'd had a chance with the " be- 
guil-ah",) 

On hearing how he gave in to Dalilah. 

LXVII I. 

He fell ; where is the man who never fell 
At beck of like fair fingers, at th' invite 

Of such a Syren, such a Satan's belle ? — 
He'd be indeed a pure Arthurian knight, 

Unlike the Marlborough Club men in Pall Mall. 
Jon Duan perished — we may'nt think him right, 

Though even blood and iron do give in 

To beauty decked out with the Wage oi Sin 

LXIX. 

Which isn't a bad salary on the whole, 
As wages go in these degenerate days ; 

When violet powder is less dear than coal ; — 
At least we know that several pairs of bays 

Are kept on those same wages, which a shoal 
Of Jew promoters, bankers, lordlings, pays, 

Without reflecting on that heinous libel 

About the Wage, they might find in the Bible, 

LXX. 

Jon Duan, fascinated, just declared 
The giving of a lady's part depended 

Upon Miss Constance Fitzfulke — and he stared 
Quite rudely at the opulent and splendid figure 

Before him. But, by no means scared, 

With coquetry and prudence subtly blended, 

She said his demonstrations touched her heart — 

But she would rather like to know her part. 



LXXI. 

"Your part, my princess ? Oh, it is the best 

That even Rachel ever undertook. 
The scene : Green Woods, that would make 
Telbin's breast 

Grow hot with envy, a small shady nook 
That doesn't smell of paint — The Prettiest 

Wo?na?i in the World, A Man, whose look 
Indicates spooniness beyond disguises — 
Discovered talking as the curtain rises. 

LXXII. 

" The dialogue's poetic nonsense, Wills 

Would give his ears to equal ; the bye-play 

Is charming ; not all Robertson's best quills 
Could sketch out • business ' half as sweet 
and gay : 

The kisses are on flesh and blood that thrills — 
Not the light, cold contact of Eau des Fees, 

With the best rouge, laid on by feet of hares, 

To hide — the feet of crows from searching stares. 

LXXIII. 

" The Time — the Present. Costume — rich enough 
To show the wearers are of decent station, 

And have a little leisure left for love. 
The Plot — ah, 'tis the airiest creation 

That ever bard — strong-voiced or silent — wove ; 
The simple plot that's pleased each age and 
nation 

From Adam's day to Darwin's, though the latter, 

Thanks unto Gilbert, finds the story flatter. 

LXXIV. 

14 The Piece is Love — The Plot, it is love-making. 

It's had a run of some six thousand years. 
Come, let us put it in rehearsal, taking 

The stage alone, and keeping it. Our ears 
Weren't made for prompter's whispers!" But 
she, shaking 

That sunny head of hers, said she had fears 
About her memory — was he sure that he'd do ? — 
And was that quite a good lever de rideau ? 

LXXV. 

It might come afterwards — as final farce, 

For farce it must be — she's nought, if not funny; 

But a too quick denoue7ne?it often mars 

An author's best piece — and, above all, one he 

Has planned so hastily. Profits are sparse, 
When one commences with so little money. 

She'd see — a little later on — and her 

Eyes said that day he'd be the Manager ! 



76 



JON DUAN. 




LXXVI. 

" Well, though we're very full, I think I've found 
A small part, that will fit you like a glove, 

In my '^Eneas,' a burlesque that's bound 

To beat ' Ixion.' '* " You're a perfect love ! — 

But what's the dress?" " Oh, Roman robes." 
She frowned. 
"'Robes,' that sounds bad. Don't Roman 
swells approve 

Of tights ?" " Well, don't obey us to the letter, 

Wear what you like — perhaps the less the better. 

LXXVII. 

"We've got Eumidia Johnson to play Dido. 
You'll have a scene with her." — "A scene with 
Miss 
Eumidia Johnson !" — and Miss Constance cried : 
"Oh, 
You are a darling — Come now — there's a 
kiss!"— 
" She enters speaking to a village guide, who 
Stays in the wings — Then Dido utters this : 
' Is this the road to Sicily ? ' The wight 
Responds : 'Just past the cabstand, to your right.' 

LXXVIII. 

«' You'll play the village lass." — "Well, what 
comes next ? " 
" Next — why there's nothing." " What ! I 
don't appear 
At all ! " — and Miss Fitzfulke looked rather 
vexed, — 
" Of course not." " Then why do you make 
me wear 
A costume ? " — The librettist said the text 

Of his engagement stipulated there 
Should be, in smallest details, a sublime 
Aud true historic picture of the time. 

LXXIX. 

" Besides, you're sure to make Eumidia furious, 
She hates a pretty colleague worse than sin ; 

And then the Stalls are sure to be most curious 
To know who's Miss Fitzfulke, who ne'er 
comes in ; — 

A mystery is not at all injurious 

When figurantes, who would ' see life,' begin ; 

It whets the appetite of wealthy sinners 

Seeking their vis-a-vis for Richmond dinners." 

LXXX. 

So it was settled. Heaven knows what pact 
Between the pair was furthermore concluded. 



JON DUAN. 



77 



One can't say always how one's heroes act, 

And we're quite ignorant of what these two 
did; 
But there's one positive and patent fact, 

Miss Constance Fitzfulke's name henceforth 
obtruded 
Itself in bills, which said her part would be as 
Julia in the new Bouffe — " Pious .Eneas." 

LXXXI. 

We know the link between them was soon broken, 
That he forgot — and she would not forgive ; — 

The usual end of light vows rashly spoken — 
The usual end of immortelles we weave 

Into a passing fancy's foolish token. 

The Love goes out, and — well, the lovers live, 

And, turning o'er some old creased yellow letter, 

He cannot, for his life, tell where he met her. 

LXXXII. 

One lives — with just another cause for saying 
Hard things against the sex which, from our 
nurses 

Unto our widows, lives but for betraying. 
One lives — to vent a few dramatic curses 

Upon their heads, and, for our pain's allaying, 
To smoke more pipes, and write more doleful 
verses, 

Such as Jon Duan wrote in the dyspeptic 

Tone of the Jilted who would seem a Sceptic. 



£amta£. 



Tell me I'm weary ; say of Pride — it cowers ; 

Of love — it bored me ; 

Of faith — love broke it ; 
But add, the world's a weed worth all its flowers, 

And fate afford me 

The time to smoke it. 



II. 
They who pretend that this last joy, disabled 

From pleasing, duly 

Will leave you lonely, 
Know not how fortune's wizard-wand has labelled 

The fairy Thule 

" For smokers only ; * 



in. 

The dahlias bleus in courts of Spanish castles, 
And, where it's shady, 
The ?nerle blanc chanting, 

And floating robes, and feathers, fringe and tassels 
That frame the lady- 
One's always wanting. 

iv. 
How sweet are memories of the thin white bodies, 

When, sooner or later 

Two puffs dismiss them ; 
And what love grows for vague lips of the goddess 

When the creator 

Can never kiss them ! 



Ah, those clouds aid the preachers' exhortations 

With apt examples 

Of hope's fruitions, 
And breed, in time, that comfortable patience 

Which mutely tramples 

On vain ambitions. 

VI. 

The goddess grows amorphous in the fusion 

Of fumes, and none deign 

To mend or drape her — 
Hence, stoic smokers draw the trite conclusion 

That most things mundane 

Must end in vapour. 

VII. 

And in the place of peace, and praise, and laurel, 

A bay-wrecked boat sees, 

From which in deep tone, 
Comes o'er the water's waste — the Master's moral 

Of Ma7cuoT77j 

LXXXIII. 

A first night at the Pandemonium. All 
The facade is ablaze. Electric light 

Streams from the fronting houses on a wall, 
Bearing in letters, half a yard in height : 

"Pious yEneas ; or, the Roman Fall," — 
With a few witticisms just as bright 

( Vide the theatre columns of the Times), 

Filched from the bills of ancient pantomimes. 



1% 



JON DUAN. 



LXXXIV. 
Cabs are echeloned in adjoining streets ; 

The first-night clan has mustered in full force : 
The critics, who've got pocketfuls of sheets 

Of ready-made abuse or praise, of course ; 
Some actors — first nights are their special treats — 

An actress, yearning for that strange divorce 
Which hangs fire — not because her lord don't 

doubt her, 
But just because he'd get no parts without her. 

lxxxv. 
There's the small German banker come to see 

If this thing threatens his majestic place 
As millionaire, supporting two or three 

Flourishing houses — not from any base 
Desire of pelf, but just to win the key 

Of a few dressing-rooms, to know a brace 
Of low comedians — and perhaps arrive at 
A knowledge of how authors look in private. 

LXXXVI. 

There's Rhadamanthus of the Thunderer, 

Who generally, to prime himself, dines freely ; 

There's Papa Levy, breathing nard and myrrh 
Proffered by Freddy Arnold — styled the Mealy 

Gusher — his fond and faithful thurifer. 

There's Sala — with that one jocose and steely 

Orb levelled at Hain Friswell like a pistol — 

A fierce carbuncle glowing at a crystal. 

LXXXVII. 

There's bland E. Blanchard, with the sleek curled 
locks, 

There's the white head that gives the Athenceum 
Those pure and classic notices ; there flocks 

The Civil Service legion — You should see 'em 
Passing pretentiously from box to box, 

Chanting Anathema, or a Te Deum, 
According to their hearers' love or spite, 
For, or against, the author of the night. 

LXXXVIII. 

And nameless crowds fill up the stalls ; a hum 
Subdued goes down the critics' own first row ; 

Dawdling Guy Livingstones are stricken dumb 
By their profound anxiety to know 

Whether Amanda, Lou or Nell will " come 
Out strong " — or make dear friends and rivals 
crow : 

And one by one the detrimentals rise, 

And saunter off to see how the ground lies. 



LXXXIX. 

The secret of this theatre's success 

They know. You pass behind the boxes, thread 
Some corridors and galleries that grow less 

Thronged as you push on, save by some well- 
bred 
Patrons profound of drama and the Press : 

They bribe the latter, by the first are bled ; 
You come across a small door where officials 
Demand of you your name and her initials. 

xc. 
And you descend a Dantesque staircase, filled 

With that foul feverish air of the coulisse, 
Into a world where all essay to build, 

Apparently a Babel, not a piece. 
At every step you take you're nearly killed 

By carpenters; by call-boys — cackling geese — 
And men who're shifting temples, wings, and 

drops, 
Or handing Grecian goddesses their "props.'* 

xci. 
Only the maestro is self-possessed 

In this great madhouse, set on fire by night — 
That's the comparison that suits it best ; — 

He, humming shreds of opera airs, makes 
light 
01 each defect, because all his hopes rest 

Upon his music, which will set all right ; 
Jon Duan, being a novice at the trade, 
Though not less vain, was rather more afraid. 

xcn. 
He gave the worst directions, quite forgetting 

The most important ; he strode to and fro 
From prompter to stage manager, upsetting 
The watering pots, with which the dust's laid 
low, 
When all the scene-shifters have finished " set- 
ting,"- 
He felt a subtle fever stealing thro' 
Him— "Author ! " heard, and hisses, madly 

mingled, 
'Twas like champagne drunk through his ears, 
which tingled. 

xcin. 
" Lend me your rouge." — " Miss Amy's borrowed 
it." 
Ct The hairdresser ! " — " He's occupied." — 
" I'm in 



JON DUAN. 



79 



The second scene." — " I'm in the first!" — "A 
chit ! " 
" A minx ! " — *' Oh, dresser, take care with 
that pin ! " 
" Dresser — I'm sure my shoulder-straps will 
split." — 
That is the usual last moment's din — 
Traversed by call-boy's cries, tenor's objections, 
Mechanics' oaths, and author's last directions. 

xciv. 
Then Dido came down from her dressing-room. 
Her maid held up her train — she strode 
superb 
In sheeny satin — dazzling, with a bloom 

From Rimmel's on that face — that neck you 
curb 
But with a diamond necklace. Vague perfume, 
Distilled from many a rare and precious herb, 
Enveloped her — as some ethereal presence, 
To which all present made profound obeisance. 

xcv. 
The maestro bore her poodle, and her fan 

Was carried by the manager. She knew 
Her power, the jade ! and calmly her gaze ran 
Around the stage. "That chair will never 
do"— 
And it was changed. " That drop's too high " — 
a man 
Was straightway sent to lower it — they flew, 
They bowed, they cringed, and felt it a great 

honour — 
Hadn't they spent ten thousand pounds upon her ? 

XCVI. 

Then the bell rings — that tinkle which the 
hearts 

Of authors echo with re-tingling force. 
The curtain rises, and the public starts 

Quick to its feet, and in a moment's hoarse 
With hailing the fair favourite — from all parts 

Bouquets rain down upon her, hurled of course, 



By hands that have held her's — and left, too, 

there, 
Not a few fortunes poets would call fair. 

xcvn. 
And the applause ne'er ceased, for no one heard 

A line, but saw legs after legs succeed 
Each other, caper and poussette. No word 

Was wanted. All who've come have what they 
need — 
Plenty of lime-light, music, and a herd 

Of puppets, pink, and finest of their breed : 
That's why the papers next day chronicled 
The piece as one in which France was excelled. 

xcvin. 
Oh, those encores — those bravoes, how they make 

One's bosom bound, one's vanity brim o'er. 
The modest bounds of reticence we break, 

Only behind our inmost chamber's door — 
Where, it is true, a rich revenge we take 

For the feigned meekness of an hour before — 
But on a first night it's legitimate 
To say, as well as feel convinced, you're great. 

xcix. 
But o'er Jon Duan's brow a shade would come, 

E'en while Queen Dido ran off, flushed with 
praise, 
And said he was "a perfect treasure." Some 

Dim struggling recollections of the plays 
He'd hoped to write — ere this indecent dumb 

Show of fine legs — plays, worthy of old days, 
And which do one more honour in one's desk, 
Perhaps, than many a popular burlesque. 

c. 

And so, when Dido and iEneas had 

Been called on thrice, he answered to the shout 
For "Author ! Author !" with a face half sad, 

Half cynical ; as, gazing round about, 
He saw what philtres made the public mad, 

And why they hissed not those fat women out — 
And in his heart he thanked, the while he made 

his 
Bow, the dear friends of all his " leading ladies." 



8o 



JON DUAN. 






^ ^ 



bi 



o o " 




Canto The Seventh. 



EARY of London and of London ways, 

The glare and glitter of the London nights, 
And very weary also of the days, 
Which once could minister such rare delights, 
Duan, who erst had written many lays 

Praising the hundred pleasant sounds and sights 
Of this great hive of very busy bees, 
Resolved to quit the town and take his ease. 



He sometimes liked, although in Fashion's season, 
To bid farewell to sun-dried London streets ; 

He could not, nor could we, afford a reason, 
To every stupid questioner one meets 

Who pries about, as if suspecting treason, 
To find out why the pulse so languid beats, 

Or why we seek the hillside, sea, or river, — 

And puts it down to a disordered liver. 

III. 
So Duan turned to fields and pastures new, 

Taking a ticketior the Midland line; 
For on the pleasant shores full well he knew 

He might find scenes to soften and refine ; 
And thinking much about the same, he grew 

Almost poetic — till he v, ished to dine ; 
And then he roused from fancy's meditation, 
And looked in Bradshaw for the stopping station. 

IV. 

He crossed the border, and at once he felt 
A keenness and a rawness in the air ; 

A fume of oats and cock-a-leekie smert, 

Heard mingled sounds of blasphemy and prayer ; 

And saw that on the people's faces dwelt 
A hard and bony Calvinistic stare, 

Which seemed to express it was a Scot's life- 
labour 

To skin a flint and damn outright his neighbour. 

v. 

O, Caledonia ! very stern and wild, 

And only dear to those who travel through you ; 
The poet says you're lov'd by each Scotch child, 

But you do not believe such nonsense, do you? 



jo x duax. 



What Scotchman is there that would not be riled, 
If he was bound for life to stick close to you ? 
No, Land of heath, and loch, and shaggy moor, 
You're only dear, say we, to those who tour. 

vr. 

O, Land of Whisky, Oatmeal, Bastards, Bibles ; 

O Land of Kirks, Kilts, Claymores, Kail, and 
Cant, — 
Of lofty mountains and of very high hills, 

Of dreary "Sawbaths," and of patriot rant; 
O Land which Dr. Johnson foully libels, 

To sound thy praises does our hero pant ; 
And to relate how, from engagements freed, 
He calmly vegetated north of Tweed. 

VII. 

He saw "Auld Reekie," climbed up Arthur's Seat, 
And thought the modern Athens a fine city ; 

Admired the view he got from Prince's Street, 
And wished the lassies could have been more 
pretty — 

With smaller bones, and less decided feet ; 
He found the cabmen insolent, though witty ; 

The Castle "did," and, ere he slept, had been on 

The Carlton Hill and seen the new Parthenon. 



VIII. 

The Edinburgh "Sawbath" bored him, though, 
'Twas like being in a city of the dead ; 

With solemn steps, and faces full of woe, 
The people to their kirks and chapels sped, 

Heard damning doctrines, droned some psalms, 
and so 
Went home again with Puritanic tread; 

Pulled down their blinds, and in the evening 
glooms, 

Got very drunk in their back sitting-rooms. 



IX. 

All, outward form — it is the old, old story : 
The Pharisee his presence still discloses: — 

They go to church, they give to God the glory ; 
They roll their eyes, and snuhie through their 
noses ; 

Tow'rds other sinners hold views sternly gory, 
And are great sticklers for the law of Moses. 

Then go home, shut their doors, and, as a body, 

Go in for secret sins and too much " toddy." 




82 



JON DUAN. 




[ \\_K ^t^L 




But westward was the cry, and Duan went 

To Balloch Pier, and steamed up Lomond's 
loch ; 
And felt inclined for silent sentiment ; — 

But tourists crowded round him in a flock, 
And vulgarised the scenery, and lent 

A disenchantment to the view ; 'tis shock- 
ing how they can a fellow-traveller worry, 
And bore him with their manners and their 
" Murray." 

XI. 

They " do " their nature as they would a sum, 
And rule off scenery like so much cash : 

They quote their guide-books, or they would be 
dumb : 
A waterfall to them is but a splash ; 

A mountain but so many feet ; — they come, 
And go, and see that nature does not clash 

With dinner. And take home as travel's fruit 

An empty purse and worn-out tourist-suit. 

XII. 

Soon Duan fled the beaten track, nor rested 
Till, fortunate, he chanced upon a village 

From tourist-locusts free, and uninfested 

By Highland landlords who the traveller 
pillage — 

A spot with towering mountain-walls invested, 
And given up to pasturage and tillage, 

Whilst in the distance, dimly, through a crevice, 

You saw the summit of cloud-capp'd Ben Nevis. 

XIII. 

Here Duan stayed, and fished — there was a burn ; 

And flirted — for of course there was a lass 
there ; 
Tried Gaelic epithets of love to learn ; 

Climbed every mountain, and explored each 
pass there, 
And set himself, in philosophic turn, 

To study the condition of the mass there ; 
And found they lived, chiefly on milk and porridge, 
In hovels where we wouldn't store up forage. 

XIV. 

Hovels of mud and peat, with plots of ground 
Just large enough to grow their owner's oats ; 

A cow, a lank, lean sheep or two he found, 

Some long-legged fowls, and p'rhaps a pair of 
goats : 



JON DUAN. 



83 



Inside, nor roofs, nor walls, nor windows sound — 
They're worse than huts of Sclaves, or Czechs, 
or Croats : 
So lives, and will live, till lairds' hearts grow 

softer, 
That remnant of the feudal days, the crofter. 

XV. 

He pays but little rent, but even then 

Body and soul he scarce can keep together : 

His wife and daughters have to work like men, 
Subsistence hangs on such a fragile tether ; 

And when the snow comes drifting up the glen, 
God knows how they survive the wintry weather. 

We fuss about the happy South Sea Islanders, 

But have no thought for these half-starving 
Highlanders. 

XVI. 

He walked through tracts of country — countless 
acres, — 

White men ejected that red-deer may live ; 
And let to rich and purse-proud sugar-bakers, 

Who care not what the rent is that they give ; 
Nor that they have been desolation-makers, — 

To use a very mild appelative — 
And when he saw these forests so extensive, 
Those Highland deer, thought he, were too ex- 
pensive. 

XVII. 

Sport is a proper thing enough — we are 
No weak and sickly sentimentalists ; 

But what is sport ? For very, very far 
The definitions differ : one insists 

It's battue-shooting ; then, a butcher, bar 

None, is the greatest sportsman that exists — 

He's slaughtering always ; not a lord whose study 

It is to make big bags, is half as bloody. 

XVIII. 

A slaughter-house would be a new delight 

For high-born ladies who " warm corners visit," 

And relish pigeon-shooting — 'twould excite 
Fresh joys to see a pig stuck, and to quiz it 

As it dies slowly with a squeal of fright ; 
For if they like the killing so, why is it 

They draw the line at pigeon or at pheasant ? — 

To see big beasts killed would be still more 
pleasant. 




84 



JON DUAN. 





XIX. 

But to our muttons, that is, to our deer — 
Stalking the stag is proper sport, we grant ; 

But British sport should never interfere 
With British people's welfare — if we can't 

Hunt deer unless a country-side's made drear 
And desolate, — why, then it's clear, we shan't 

Be acting properly to make a waste 

To suit a few rich sportsmen's vulgar taste. 

xx. 
John Duan heard sad tales of men being turned 

From 'neath their treasured and ancestral roof; 
And sheep by thousands could be kept, he learn'd, 

Where now, save for the deer, there roams no 
hoof ; — 
He look'd on ruin'd homes, and his heart burned 

With indignation, as he saw fresh proof 
Of how the man, with money in his hand, 
Can rough-shod ride o'er all the privileged land.* 

XXI. 

And he came back to England, his heart burning 
To tell his story in the Daily News ; 

Resolved to stay this very general turning 
Of fertile land to desert : but his views 

Met with but faint encouragement ; — discerning 
Men thought him right : but, just then, to amuse 

The public, there came up a new sensation — 

Sir Henry Thompson's paper on Cremation. 

XXII. 

So, up in Scotland there are, still, evictions, 
And still all else gives way to sport and game : 

No matter how severe are the inflictions 
On harmless people : still it is the same. 

There must be deer and grouse ; and soon in 
fictions 
Alone will live the Highlander's proud name. 

Perish the people, and whate'er would war 

With rich and selfish pleasures — Vive le Sport ! 

* It is worthy of record that a "Scotch nobleman, whose 
large estate is, by dint of wholesale evictions and purposed 
neglect, being turned into deer-forests — called forests, seem- 
ingly, because they do not contain a single tree — has been 
able, by the exercise of his lordly will, to prevent the post- 
office telegraph-wires passing over a part of his property, 
where, for the convenience of hundreds of isolated people, it- 
would have been especially useful. His lordship's most 
urgent argument against the wires was that they would 
frighten his grouse ! The wires have accordingly made a 
detour, and his lordship's unfortunate tenants are left prac- 
tically cut off from the world, to get ill, and get well again, 
as best they can, and to die without being able to make a 
sign. Meanwhile, the grouse are not frightened — which is, 
of course, a great blessing. 



JON DUAN. 



85 



Canto The EigJith. 



FRAGRANT odour of the choicest weeds, 
A hum of voices, pitched in high-born tones ; 



A score of fellows, some of our best breeds, 
The Heir-apparent to the British throne ; 

Soft-footed flunkeys tending to their needs — 
The vintage in request, to-night, is Beaune— 

Luxurious lounging-chairs, well-stuffed settees, 

An air of lavishness, and taste, and ease. 



The walls are covered with a set of frames 
Containing all the members limned by "Ape"; 

The loungers bear our most illustrious names, 
At which the outside public gasp and gape. 

That is a duke's son who just now exclaims — 
" Avaunt, ye ' World 'ly and unholy shape ! " 

And he who enters, being the " shape " he means, 

Is little Labby, fresh from City scenes. 

ill. 
There is more chatter : — " How are ' Anglo's ' 
now?"— 
"'Were you at Prince's ?"— " Isn't Amy stun- 
ning? " — 
" The bets are off."— "She waltzes like a cow."— 

" It's Somerset is making all the running." — 
"'Churchill's on guard." — " O, yes, a devilish 
row ! " — 
" It's in the World."—" I say, Wales, Yorke is 
punning." — 
"The framjous muff!" — ' ; By Jove ! an awful 

joke ! "— 
Such are the words that penetrate the smoke. 

IV. 

Guelpho is beaming, as he always beams, 
And listening to Jon Duan's latest " tips "; 

Upon a sofa W T odecot lies and dreams 

Of other hearts, and Nellie's charming lips ; 

The air with pretty little scandals teems, 

Of men's mistakes and pretty women's slips. 

What looked you for within the sacred portals ? — 

The Guelpho Clubmen, after all, are mortals. 



Again the noiseless dooi swings open wide, 
And Coachington is with a loud roar greeted. 



* Is Bromley still by Bow ? " a witling cried, 
Before the new arrival could be seated ; 

But he— he had sat down by Guelpho's side — 
Said, " I bought this outside," and then repeated, 

From a broadsheet of ballads, 'midst much 
laughter, 

The " Coster's Carol " youll find following after. 

tqjc Castzt'S Carol. 



I may be rough an' like 0' that, 

But I ain't no bloomin' fool ; 
An' I'm rather up to what is what, 

Though I never goed to school. 
I know my way about a bit, 

An' this is what I say : — 
That it's those as does the business 

As ought to get the pay ! 

2. 
I ain't no grudge agen the Queen, 

Leastways, that is, no spite ; 
But I helps to keep her, so I mean 

To ax for what's my right : — 
An' as she won't come out at all, 

It's not no 'arm to say, 
That if she don't do the business, 

Why, she shouldn't get the pay. 



She's livin' on the cheap, I'm told, 

An' puttin' lots away — 
Some gets like that when they is old- 

But what I want's fair play ! 
Let Wictoria get her pension, 

An' up in Scotland stay — 
But let them as do her business, 

Be the ones to get most pay. 



I think as 'o\v her eldest son 

'As got a hopen 'art ; 
I likes his looks, myself, for one, 

An' I alius takes his part. 
And then there's Alexandras 

She's a proper sort, I say ; 
Them's the two as do the business, 

An' they ought to get the pay. 



86 



JON DUAN. 



5. 
There ain't to me the slightest doubt 

(An' no hoffence I means) — 
'Tis the moke as draws the truck about, 

As ought to get most greens. 
We do not starve the old 'uns, 

But we give much less to they — 
'Tis the ones as do the business 

As ought to have the pay. 

6. 

I pay my whack for queen or king, 

Like them o' 'igher birth ; 
An' 'taint a werry wicked thing 

To want my money's worth : 
An' if I'm discontented, 

'Tis only 'cause I say — 
That the coves as does the business 

Ought to get the bloomin' pay. 



So let the Queen her ways pursoo, 

An' I for one won't weep ; 
An' all the idle Jarmints, too, 

As I helps for to keep. 
But what I 'ope ain't treason, 

Is boldly for to say 
That the Prince and Alexandrar 

Ought to get their mother's pay. 

VI. 

" What impudence ! " they cry, and yet they laugh, 

And Duan says, " The logic isn't bad : 
A lot of truth is sometimes mixed with chaff. 
And, by-the-by, if 't please you, I will add 
A parody I've made : on its behalf 
I claim your leniency." Then he gave tongue, 
And in his rich, ripe voice these verses sung : — 



London, 1874. 

Which I wish to remark — 
And my language is plain — 

That for ways that are dark, 
And tricks far from vain, 

The Germany Jew is peculiar, 

Which the same I'm about to explain. 

Eim Gott was his name ; 
And I shall not deny 



In regard to the same, 

He was wonderful "fly," 
But his watch-chain was vulgar and massive, 

And his manner was dapper and spry. 

It's two years come the time, 

Since the mine first came out ; 
Which in language sublime 

It was puffed all about : — 
But if there's a mine called Miss Emma 

I'm beginning to werry much doubt. 

Which there was a small game 

And Eim Gott had a hand 
In promoting ! The same 

He did well understand ; 
But he sat at Miss Emma's board-table, 

With a smile that was child-like and bland. 

Yet the shares they were "bulled," 

In a way that I grieve, 
And the public was fooled, 

Which Eim Gott, I believe, 
Sold 22,000 Miss Emmas, 

And the same with intent to deceive. 

And the tricks that were played 

By that Germany Jew, 
And the pounds that he made 

Are quite well known to you. 
But the way that he flooded Miss Emma 

Is a "watering" of shares that is new. 

Which it woke up MacD , 

And his words were but few. 
For he said, " Can this be ? " 

And he whistled a " Whew !" 
" We are ruined by German- Jew swindlers " !— 

And he went for that Germany Jew. 

In the trial that ensued 

I did not take a hand ; 
But the Court was quite filled 

With the fi-nancing band, 
And Eim Gott was " had " with hard labour, 

For the games he did well understand. 

Which is why I remark — 

Ajid my language is plain — 
That for ways that are dark, 

And for tricks far from vain. 
The Germany Jew was peculiar, — 

But he won't soon be at it again. 



JON DUAN. 



87 



VII. 

The verdict was " Not bad ! " and then the chat 
Turned on the Mordaunt Trial and Vert-Vert 
case : — 

" The plaintiff's ' Fairlie ' beaten," Jon said ; at 
Which witticism there was a grimace ; 

Next, little Labby, who till then had sat 
Quite quietly, said, at Fred Bates's place 

He'd seen a skit, he quite forgot to bring it, 

But knew the words, and if they liked, he'd sing it. 

"5 taSfottf) (grant." 

" I was with Grant " the stranger said ; 

Said McDougal, " Say no more, 
But come you in — I have much to ask — 

And please to shut the door." 

" I was with Grant " the stranger said ; 

Said McDougal, " Nay, no more, — 
You have seen him sit at the Emma board ? 

Come, draw on your mem'ry's store. 

" What said my Albert— my Baron brave, 

Of the great financing corps ? 
I warrant he bore him scurvily 

'Midst the interruption's roar ! " 

" No doubt he did," said the stranger then ; 

" But, as I remarked before, 
I was with Grant " " Nay, nay, I know," 

Said McDougal ; "but tell me more. 

" He's presented another square !— I see, 

You'd smooth the tidings o'er — 
Or started, perchance, more Water works 

On the Mediterranean shore ? 

" Or made the Credit Foncier pay, 

Or floated a mine with ore ? 
Oh, tell me not he is pass'd away 

From his home in Kensington Gore ! " 

" I cannot tell," said the unknown man, 

" And should have remarked before, 
That I was with Grant — Ulysses, I mean — 

In the great American war." 



Then McDougal spake him never a word, 

But beat, with his fist, full sore 
The stranger who'd been with Ulysses Grant, 

In the great American war. 

VIII. 

Then City men they most severely " slated" — 
Chiefly the banking German Jew variety. 

How is it, Landford asked, cads, aggravated 
As they, have wriggled into good society ? 

And some one said their path to it is plated, 
And looked at Guelpho with assumed anxiety. 

But Guelpho, ever genial, smiled and said, 

" Suppose we have some loo (unlimited)." 

IX. 

But Duan wouldn't play, but said he'd read 
Some of the proofs of his new work instead ; 

At which there was a loud outcry, indeed, 
And soda corks assailed our hero's head, 

Until he promised he would not proceed. 
"And, by the way, Jon," Beersford said, " I read 

That Lord and Dock's new Annual was out." 

Jon shrugged his shoulders, " Yes," he said, " no 
doubt, 

X. 

"Very much out indeed ; v it seems to me 

That Beeton's statement was not far from true, 

For from internal evidence I see 

He could have had naught with their book to do. 

I know him, and whatever he may be, 
He is not vulgar ; knows a thing or two ; 

Has brains, in fact, and has not got to grovel 

In worn-out notions, but goes in for novel." 

XI. 
And now for loo the cry was raised again, 

And there's a general movement towards the 
door ; 
And humming as he went the coster's strain, 

Duan, with Guelpho, sought the second-floor. 
Said Coming K , " Come, Duan, please refrain; 

Such sentiments, you know, I must deplore." 
But Duan—" It's done ; we've put it to the nation — 
We've gone in for an Early Abdication ! " 



End of Jon Duan. 



SPINNINGS IN TOWN 




HFHX 




^^Vt 



Spinnings in Town, 



Although unversed in lays and ways Byronic, 
And of Don Juan not a line have read, 

Although I've never touched the lyre Ionic, 
And even nursery-rhymes in prose have said, 

Yet for a change I'll try the gentle Tonic 
Of verses, that must be with kindness read, 

And, being counselled by some good advisers, 

Will journey, too — but to see advertisers. 



II. 
For I have heard a murmur of fair sights, 

All to be seen within gay London town, 
Of robes delicious, bonnets gay as sprites, 

Cuirasses braided, and jet-spangled gown. 
Inventions useful, such as give delight 

To all good housewives (those that do not frown 
At novelty, or, when they're asked to try it, 
Say, " It looks very nice, but I shan't buy it.") 



III. 
Not for such churlish souls, I sing the news — 

Not for the women who don't care for dress ; 
Our sex's armour ne'er did I refuse, 

And, without mauvaise honte, I will confess 
That, when I'm asked of two new gowns to choose, 

I do not take the one which costs the less, 
Unless 'tis prettier far ; and then I say, 
" Admire your sftosa's moderation, pray !" 

IV. 
I am a Silkworm, spinner by profession, 

And make long yarns from very slender case, 
I love new things and pretty — this confession 

Alone should give me absolution's grace 
From all who read my lines and my digression, 

Which I can't really help — words grow apace — 
For I could write whole volumes on a feather, 
If I had not to put the rhymes together. 

V. 
Man's dress is of man's life a thing apart : 

To Poole or Melton he with calmness goes ; 
But woman's toilette lies so near her heart, 

That 'tis with doubts, and fears, and many throes 



BY THE SILKWORM. 



89 



In visiting the rounds of shop and mart, 

That she selects a ribbon or a rose. 
Her fate in life doth oft depend, I ween, 
If she be struck with just that shade of green. 

VI. 

Beauteous Hibernia ! (Britons, do not frown 
At rhapsodies from one who owes her much) 

What could one do without a poplin gown, 

Whose folds take graceful form from every 
touch ? 

These lips have never pressed the Blarney 
"stone"— 
No flattery 'tis to speak of fabrics such 

As are produced in Inglis-Tinckler factory — 

Oh dear me ! all these rhymes are so refractory'. 

VII. 

To Ireland, too, we owe a great invention ; 

For warmth and comfort in the wintry cold, 
The Ulster Coat is just the thing to mention, 

For driving to the covert, or be rolled 
In, for the morning train, or Great Extension 

Line Terminus, within its cosy fold, 
Nor snow nor wet shall harm you, if but ye 
Buy Ulster Coats alone of John McGee. 

viii. 
Say what you will about furs in cold weather, 

Sing of the warmth of seal skin as you please, 
'Gainst cold, or ice, or snow, or all together, 

Give me the Ulster Overcoat of frieze ! 
Useful in Autumn, driving the heather; 

Safeguard in Winter against cough or sneeze ; 
But, as they imitate the Ulster Coat, 
See that the maker's name (McGee) you note,* 

IX. 

Ladies' Costumes, and Suits of Irish stuff, 
Windermere lining, soft, of every shade, 

Cuirasses matelassc see enough 

To turn the head of either wife or maid. 

I think no woman born could ever "huff" 
If in such lovely garments but arrayed, 

So, Fathers, Husbands, Brothers, try to find 

If "Ladies' Ulster Coats" won't suit your 
womankind. 

* John G. McGee and Co., Belfast, Ireland. 



X. 

And for yourselves, who to the coverts go, 
In dog-cart neat, oft in the pouring rain, 

The Ulster Deer- Stalker's a coat that so 
Will keep you dry, and save rheumatic pain. 

It useful is in travelling, to and fro 
The country station, and must prove a gain. 

'Tis so becoming to a figure tall ! 

In fact, it suits all mankind, great and small. 

XI. 

W T here to begin, and whither wend my way ! 

Shall I to Atkinson or Jay first go? 
Look at Black Silk Costumes sold cheap by Jay; 

Or view chairs, tables, carpets, row by row ; 
Inspect the " Brussels, five-and-two," or say, 

" Prices of furniture I wish to know ; " 
Look at the mirrors, view the marquet'rie, 
Gaze at the inlaid work, or wander free ? 



XII. 

Through galFries large, and through saloons light, 
vast, 

I cast a hasty glance on either hand, 
Rich carvings chaste, cretonnes so bright, and 
fast 

Colours. I note enough to deck the land 
With curtains, covers, that will surely last 

When Time has ta'en the pencil from this hand, 
Which strives to give a notion (somewhat faint) 
Of furniture that would tempt e'en a saint. 

XIII. 

Talk of Temptation ! just call in at Jay's ! 

The London Mourning Warehouses, I 
mean, 
In Regent Street ; 'tis crowded on fine days 

With the elite of London, and the Queen 
Has patronised the house, and without lese- 

Majeste, I may mention she has seen 
Such crepe of English and of foreign make, 
That from no other house she will it take. 

XIV. 

Yet at the present moment 'tis not crepe, 

But silk costumes that I would bid all see 

(Six pounds sixteen !) of the last cut and shape 
The best Parisian models ! flowing free, 



9o 



SPINNINGS IN TOWN 



The graceful folds from dainty bows escape, 

Harmonious corsages with the skirts agree ; 
See what a change French politics have made- 
Silks cost just double when they Nap. obeyed ! 



XV. 

Then there's another Jay, whose house full well 
Both English maids and New York matrons 
know ; 

" The best store out for lingerie, du tell," 
'Tis near unto the mourning warehouse, so 

You can't mistake the maison Samuel 
Jay, of high renown for brides' trousseaux, 

Infants' layettes, and morning toilettes cozy 

(For my part, I like cashmere, blue or rosy). 



XVI. 

Those who do mourn, or wish to compliment 

Acquaintances, connections, or their friends, 
Who do not care to see much money spent 

(For crape turns brown, and ravels at the ends), 
Should get the Albert Crape, an excellent 

Crape, good to look at ; it intends 
To be the only crape used ; GOOD and cheap — 

Considerations strong for those who weep. 

XVII. 

Being close by, what hinders me to visit 
The Wanzer Company, Great Portland 
Street ? — 

The Little Wanzer, a machine exquisite — 
With such a lockstitch, sewing is a treat ; 

It works away on any stuff, nor is it 

One of those kind whose stitching is not neat ; 

Though small, it sews as well as Wanzer D, 

Or Wanzer F— " machine for family." 

XVIII. 

Why trouble we to stitch by midnight taper, 
New cuffs and collars for our future wear, 

When we can buy our lingerie of paper, 
Each day put on a parure, white and fair? 

Collars, which keep their stiffness 'spite of vapour, 
Cuffs fit for maid and matron debonair. 

COLLARS and CUFFS, shirt-fronts for gentleman— 

These are in Holborn sold, by Edward Tann. 



xix. 

Holborn the High, number three hundred eight, 
There one can buy all kinds of paper things,— 

Japanese curtains, and juflons for state 

Occasions, 'broidered all in wheels and rings. 

The paper well doth 'broidery simulate, 

'Tis raised and open ; then the're blinds and 
strings, 

Of paper all, most curious to view — 

Think of the saving- in the washing - , too ! 



XX. 

How difficult it is to find out rhymes 
For Vose's Portable Annihilator, 

Which gardens waters, fires checks betimes ! 
Or Loysel's Hydrostatic Percolator 

For making coffee in, — oh Christmas chimes ! 
I can't find any rhyme except Equator, 

And that means naught: I want the world to 
know it, 

They're made at Birmingham by Griffiths, 
Browett. 

XXI. 

Respite is near, or surely I'd be undone; 

'Tis one o'clock, and time to have some lunch. 
Where shall I turn ? Of course unto the LONDON, 

Where, in the Ladies' Room, we find Fitn, 
Punch, 
To while the time we spend on things so mundane 

(As well as other papers), while we munch 
Good things, and menus gay and cartes unravel, 
Learn that the restaurant is kept by Reed and 
Cavell. 

XXII. 

The London Restaurant is famed for dinners, 
(The London is in Fleet Street, by the way, 

Close unto Temple Bar) ; too good for sinners, 
By far the dinner that is set each day. 

I took my lads there when not out of " pinners," 
The first time that they ever saw a play. 

When children go to see the Pantomime, 

'Tis at The London they should stop and dine. 

XXIII. 

The SKATING SUITS for ladies next claim my 
Attention, for the weather's very cold; 



BY THE SILKWORM. 



9i 



These suits are useful both for wet and dry 
Weather, and draped are in graceful fold, 

Shorter or longer, looped up low or high, 

Forming jupons by means of ribbons' hold ; — 

And these costumes, accompanied by muff 

To match, and edged with fur, are warm enough 

XXIV. 

To keep each jolie frileuse free from harm, 
E'en in Siberia's frozen climate drear ; 

Where everlasting snows keep endless calm, 
And toes are nipped up in a way that here 

We cannot comprehend, nor guess what charm 
Keeps men alive, far from all they hold dear — 

I'm sure that I should die could I not meet 

A friend and go to shop in Conduit Street. 

xxv. 
Where, by the bye, ladies will always find, 

At Benjamin's, cloth habits to their taste ; 
And will discover, if they have a mind, 

Most useful pleated skirts, in which a waist 
(That's pretty in itself) looks most refined, 

And tapers from the folds, if neatly laced. 
Dear dames, if you will give my words fair weight, 
Call in Conduit Street at Number Thirty-eight. 

xxvi. 
But if indeed, you will " Take my Advice," 
As well as all "Things that you ought to 
know," 
You'll go for Diaries and books so nice 
Unto James Blackwood's, Paternoster 
Row, 
Where information's given in a trice, 

On Pocket Books and Diaries, and so 
Cheap are these works that there is no excuse 
Left, if these diaries you do not use. 

XXVII. 

But wherefore ask for clever Cooking Book, 
If open fires are seen where'er one roves, 

Or why on coloured illustrations look, 

If that we can't have Solar cooking Stoves ; 

Oh ! joyful news for housewives and for cooks ! — 
Portable, too, fancy a stove that moves 

Easily ! Yet these stoves are to be seen 

At Bishopsgate Street Within, at BROWN and 
Green. 



XXVIII. 

Auriferous visions on my eyeballs strike — 

No imitation, it must be real gold, 
This jewell'ry made by the Brothers Pyke ; 

Yet 'tis but Abyssinian, we are told ; 
How difficult to credit ! It's so like 

To eighteen carat that we're often " sold." 
As for pickpockets, I have heard that they 
Have left off stealing chains, finding they may 

XXIX. 

No profit get from Gold that is as good 

As the real, veritable Simon Pure ; 
So, honest turn these rogues, once understood 

Among their set, that profits come no more. — 
With Abyssinian gold to clasp one's hood, 

We safely stand at Covent Garden's door ; 
For many a thief has got in sad disgrace 
For gold made by The Pykes in Ely Place. 

XXX. 

To wear with Abyssinian Golden chain, 
A cheap and good watch you will get of Dyer, 

At Number Ninety, Regent Street; remain 
Till you have seen the watches you require, 

Superior Levers, patent keyless — gain, 
These watches don't, or lose ; at prices higher 

You may have watches, but not better see 

Than Dyer's Watches, Clocks, and Jewellery. 

XXXI. 

Oh, for the pen of Byron, or such a wight 
Who could help a poor rhymster in a fix ! 

How can I e'er explain that Mr. Hight 
's invented a Revolving Cipher Disc. 

Easy to execute by day or night, 
Yet difficult to solve or to unmix 

The cipher, and from all suspicion clear ; 

Essentials held by Bacon and Napier. 

xxxii. 
To rest awhile from "ciphering" my brain, 

I turn to Pictures of fair Scenery — 
The Upper Alpine World — again, again, 

These visions fair by Loppe I would see : 
They're shown in Conduit Street ; and I would fain 

Return unto that lovely gallery — 
Pictures by Loppe please me so, I'm willing 
For six days in the week to pay my shilling. 



92 SPINNINGS IN TOWN 


XXXIII. 

A shilling is a pretty little sum, 


With Rowlands' Kalydor, which really mocks 
Youth's bloom, removing trace of time and toil. 


And with three halfpence added, we can get 
Almost each Pill that's made ; let's count them ; 
come 


For Jewel- Safes and thief-detecting locks 

Try Chubb, his patent safes will always foil 
Both fire and thief, do with them all they can — 


And see if the long list I do know yet — 
I ought to, for the press is never dumb 
Upon the merits of the whole, round set ; 


A first-rate present for a gentleman ! 


Thinking with Thackeray, that we shall find 


XXXVIII. 


A favourite pill with each " well-ordered mind." 


While for the ladies, surely you can't err, 

To buy for them a Whight and Mann Ma- 




chine, 


XXXIV. 

First, Grains of Health must stand, because 


For hand or foot, indeed this will please her, 
Whom you denominate your household Queen : 


they're new 

And tasteless, being coated o'er with Pearl, 
I think they're Dr. Ridge's ; 'tis he who 

Gives us digestive biscuits fit for girl, 
Or infant delicate ; truth, there are few 


But as some women dearly love to stir 

Abroad to choose their presents, then I ween, 
You will do well to take her some morn, 
To buy a new machine in famed Holborn. 


Dyspeptics who don't take them. Where's the 




churl 
Who will not try, to ease life's many ills, 
A single remedy, say Roberts' Pills. 


XXXIX. 

In Charles Street, number four, you'll find 
that Smith 




And Co. have of machines a various stock ; 


XXXV. 

Page Woodcock, too, has made a wondrous name 
For curing every ill that you may mention ; 

While Brodie's cures (miraculous) the same 
For Corns and Bunions : — it was my intention 

To name Clarke's Blood Mixture, of which 
the fame 


There you can test machines and see the pith 
Of all their varied workings — chain and lock. 

Oh, for the pen of Owen Meredith, 
That I no more with such bad rhymes need shock 

Your feelings ; but, remember, while you're there, 

To look at Weir's machines, also in Soho 
Square. 


Is well established ; but I must my pen shun, 
If I go on like this : I really feel 
My hair turns grey while rhyming— where's LA- 

treille ? 


XL. 

Taking one's teeth out is a painful thing; — 
We don't much like this parting with our bones ; — 




But what if painless dentistry I sing, 


XXXVI. 

Restoring and producing all one's hair 
Within short time and on the baldest place : 


Which all mankind can have from Mr. Jones ? 
Of all the new inventions 'tis the king. 
Imagine teeth out, minus all the groans ! 


" Waiting for copy ! " is the cry, so there, 

I cannot mention half I would, with grace : — 
Wright's Pilosagine, Eade's Pills for pain 


We'll turn to other subjects, if you please, 

A guinea bunch of twenty-five rose trees. 


in face — 




And yet I think 'twould really be a scandal 


XLI. 


If I omit the Hair Restorer : Sandell, 


This is a Christmas-box for those who love 




Their gardens ; and GEORGE Cooling's nursery, 


XXXVII. 


Bath, 


For New Year's Offering, and for Christmas Box, 
Rowland's Odonto, and Macassar Oil, 


Roses supplies in quantities above 

This number at a cheaper rate : he hath 



JON DUAN. 




THE "SOCK."— A Comedy Company. 



BY THE SILKWORM. 



93 



Collections good, as many prizes prove, 

Taken for roses for the bed or path. 
Another swift transition if you please, 
Go to H. Webber for your Christmas cheese. 



xlii. 
With cheese we want good wine ; and, as the short 

Old-fashioned phrase is, " Good wine needs no 
bush," 
So I name simply Hedges-Butler's PORT, 

Sure that when you your chair backward do push 
The vintage will not upon you retort 

With sudden seizure or with gouty rush. 
In fact, Fm told you may drink many pledges 
In wine that's bought of Butler and of Hedges. 



xliii. 
How can I possibly find rhymes to fit 

The magneticon, or sychnophylax ; 
Even our well-beloved Ozokerit 

Candles, which do so much resemble wax, 
Not easy are to verse on ; I will quit 

These subjects, and try if Opoponax, 
Sweetest of perfumes, will not yield me any. 
Oh, yes ! here's one— Piesse's Frangipanni. 



xliv. 
PlESSE and Lubin an oasis make, 

All in the foggy air of New Bond Street; 
At number two, their resting place they take, 

Filling surroundings with their odours sweet. 
LlGN Aloes, Turkish pastiles for your sake, 

Oh, English maids, to make your charms com- 
plete. 
Ladies, indeed, you will haver cause to bless 
The labours skilled of Lubin and Piesse. 



xlv. 
No space is left of Bragg's Carbon to speak, 

Or mention Stevenson's new firewood ; 
To praise Slack's spoons and forks would take 
a week, 

Or Crosby's Elixir for cough so good ; 
Magnetine (Darlow's patent for the weak), 

Or Barnard's pretty novelties in wood ; 
The " Eastern Condiment " for our cold mutton, 
And Green and Cadbury's the very button. 



XLVI. 

Moses and Son require an annual quite 

Unto themselves to simply name their stock ; 

Oetzmann's carpets all the world delight, 
And scraps for screens are sold by James Lock 

CHOCOLAT Menier is the thing for night 
And morning meals. You can physicians mock 

If you but take — indeed I am not maline — 

A daily draught of the PYRETIC SALINE. 



XLVII. 

Who can explain why Stoneham, of Cheapside, 

Should of EACH SHILLING SPENT, THREEPENCE 
RETURN 

Unto the buyer ? and in fact has tried, 
By this means, custom to his till to turn ; 

Succeeded, too : hath not the public hied 
To him, and " come " like butter in a churn. 

Ponr 7noi, I feel' so very, very cross, 

When in a crowd, that THREEPENCE GAINED is 
loss. 



XLVI II. 

Fleet's Mineral Waters next demand a word ; 

Dietz and Co. have lamps not to be slighted — 
Where these burn grumbling tones are never 
heard — 

The largest room by Paragon's well lighted. 
There are so many, that 'tis quite absurd, 

With Asser-Sherwin's bags I am delighted ; 
Their wedding presents and their writing 

cases 
Will bring a blush of joy to merry faces. 



XLIX. 

In dear old Shakespeare I have often read 
Of " bourne from which no traveller returns," 

And an idea will come into my head, 

Just think of never leaving Addley Bourne's, 

Renowned for trousseaux and for cradle-beds, 
Infants' layettes — fair robes de chambre — one 
learns 

Such trimmings, sees such treasures — willy, nilly, 

We can't keep long away from Piccadilly. 



94 



SPINNINGS IN TOWN. 



L. 

A change comes o'er the spirit of my dream, 
Where I have often stood I seem to stand, 

Sweet odours on my aching senses stream — 
I'm opposite to Rimmel in the Strand, 

Whose kindly influence on our homes doth beam, 
And fills with joy each child's heart in the land, 

Where we behold his Christmas novelties, 

His perfumed almanacs, and such things as 
these : 

Li. 

The robin, and the toys for Christmas trees, 
The Comic Almanac and fan bouquet, 

Delicious scents and perfumes that do seize 
Upon the weary brain : — restore the gay 



And cheerful tone, and give the headache ease. 

All these we owe to him, who holdeth sway 
O'er all sweet scents ! Ye perfumed sachets tell 
This great magician's name ! It is — it is — Rimmel ! 



LII. 

And now my pen from weary hand doth fall, 

And with humility I lay aside 
A task which p'raps some spinners might appal ; 

But pleasant has it been to me to glide 
From one to other subject, touching all 

With kindly hand, and what doth me betide 
At critic's pen I care not, for the rest 
I've done, comme toujours, just my "level best." 

The Silkworm. 



MYRA, late Editress of BEETONS " YOUNG ENGLISHWOMAN. 



MYRA'S JOURNAL of DRESS & FASHION. 

In Illustrated Wrapper. 
Containing Sixteen Pages, Large Quarto, size of the London Journal, Bow Bells, d^c. 
PRICE TWOPENCE, MONTHLY. 



I PROPOSE to issue, every month, beginning next 
February, a Journal for Ladies, which shall contain Instruc- 
tions and Advice in connection with Dress and Fashion. 

Several different departments will be necessary to make this 
Journal useful to the thousands of Ladies whom I hope to have 
as Subscribers or Correspondents. 

Original Articles from Paris, contributed by Madame 
Goubaud, will appear, from which a knowledge will be gained 
of the newest Materials and coming Modes. 

Mademoiselle Agnes Verboom, long a Contributor to Mr. 
Beeton's Fashion Journals here, and to the leading Lady's 
Paper in America, will write a Monthly Letter on the Changes in 
Fashion. 

Diagrams, full-sized, for cutting out all kinds of Articles of 
Dress, will be issued every month ; and frequently Paper Models 
themselves will be issued with Myra's Journal. 

From the Grand Magasin du Louvre, the first house in Paris, 
I shall receive bulletins of their latest Purchases, and accounts 
of what is most in vogue in the Capital of Fashion. 

For my personal writing, I shall continue the same plan 
which I originated, under the name of Myra, in Mr. Beeton's 
" Young Englishwoman." Mr. Beeton no longer edits that 
Journal, and Myra's Letters will not appear there in future. 

My Letters there were so successful, and the Advice I was 
able to give seemed so prized by my Correspondents, that I 
believe I shall be doing some service by devoting the whole 
space of a Monthly Journal to the subjects of Taste and 
Economy in Dress, ana the Alteration of Dress. 

I shall, therefore, every month, answer all Correspondents 
who seek information upon 



WHAT DRESSES TO WEAR 

AND 

HOW TO ALTER DRESSES. 

I will pay the most careful attention to any Letters sent me, 
so that I may answer enquiries with the closest and most exact 
details ; and whilst giving Instructions as to the best Style of 
Dress and the Alteration of Dress, I shall be anxious to state 
what is ?iot to be done, as well as what is to be done, in the 
important matter of the Toilette. 

Letters from Correspondents received by me not later than 
the 20th of the month will be answered in the next Myra's 
Journal. But all enquiries should be made of me, as much as 
possible, at the beginning of the month, so as to give me ample 
time to obtain and prepare particular information on any knotty 
point. 

A Free Exchange, gratis, and open to all who have Articles 
to dispose of, or barter for others, will be opened in Myra's 
Journal. The Addresses of Exchangers must be printed, in 
order to have the benefit of the Free Exchange. Addresses, 
however, can be entered upon the payment of One Shilling in 
postage stamps, to defray necessary expenses. Rules in con- 
nection with the Exchange will be found in Myra's Journal. 

Some Ladies, on certain occasions, are anxious to receive 
immediately information as to what is the proper kind of Dress 
to Wear, or how to Alter the Dresse3 that they have. To serve 
these Ladies, I will state in writing, by return of post, what is 
the best course for them to take. When questions are thus 
asked for, to be answered by post, enquiries must be accom- 
panied by twelve postage stamps, for expenses of various kinds 
which will naturally be incurred 



All Communications to be addressed to Myra, care of Weldon & Co., 15, Wine Office Court, London, B.C. 



J. OGDEN AND CO., PRINTERS, 172, ST. JOHN STREET, LONDON, B.C. 



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DISCOUNT.-TH REE PENCE. 



In olden days, when Time was young, 
To publish was a glorious trade ; 

Though poets grumbled, poets sung, 
And fortunes were most quickly made, 

By publishers, who never let 

Booksellers charge a penny less 
Than price resolved on ; or to fret 

Them with remonstrance. You will guess 

That men like Stoneham could not live : 
(Stoneham, of Seventy-nine, Cheapside), 

Who discount has resolved to give, 
And fight the Publishers beside. 

For every shilling that you pay, 
Returned are to you just three pence, 

By Stoneham, bookseller ; now say 
If it does not seem common sense, 

That if he can afford to sell 
At threepence less than other men, 

This very work, Jon DuAN, well, 
May he not do the same again. 

With Books for Young, and Books for Old; 
Books for Summer ; Books for cold ; 



Books for Christmas ; Books for Easter ; 
Books for faster ; Books for feaster; 
Books for Shipping; Books in Sets; 
Books about our Household Pets ; 
BOOKS for Wholesale; BOOKS for Retail ; 
General Books ; and Books of detail; 
Books for Children; Books for Babies; 
Books for Girls ; and BOOKS for Ladies ; 
BOOKS with pretty Illustrations ; 
Books on all the Foreign Nations; 
BOOKS for Prizes ; BOOKS for Presents ; 
Books for Princes ; Books for Peasants ; 
Books for Scholars ; Books for Schools ; 
Books about Dame Nature's rules ; 
BOOKS in binding gay or neat ; 
Books all warranted complete ; 
Annual BOOKS and Magazines ; 
Books of Fine Arts fit for Queens ; 
Books about the search for gold ; 
Books for all ; nay, we are told 
That— but you'll think it is too bad- 
He sells that shocking Siliad. 
Nay more, weVe heard some people say, 

" Stoneham has yet a Coming K ." 

We don't believe it, these are libels ; 
We know he has a Stock of Bibles. 



JON DUAN ADVERTISEMENTS. 



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JON DUAN ADVERTISEMENTS. 



TO THE READERS OF JON DUAN. 



We reprint from The Times, of Nov. 26th, the Report 
re Ward v. Beeton, in order that the purchasers and readers 
of Jon Duan may have a correct version of the question 
raised between Mr. Beeton and his Publishers. We should 
no trepeat this notice were it not for the rumours which have 
been freely circulated that Jon Duan would not be published. 
Even coercion has bee7i used to prevent certain tradesmen 
lending us their valuable assistance in the production of the 
New Annual. 

The Public and the Trade are now in the position of 
being our judges, and we shall rest satisfied with the verdict 
which may be accorded us. 



From "The Times," Nov. 26, 1874. 



Before Vice-Chancellor Sir R. Malins.) 
Ward v. Beeton ("Beeton's Christmas Annual"). 
This wasa motion on behalf of the plaintiffs, Messrs. 
Ward and Lock, the publishers, for an injunction to restrain 
the defendant, Mr. S. O. Beeton, from publishing or circu- 
lating any advertisements or letters representing that he 
was interested or concerned in any annual book or publica- 
tion other than "Beeton's Christmas Annual," published 
by the plaintiffs, or that the defendant's connexion with 
the plaintiffs' firm was terminated, or that the use of the 
defendant's name by the plaintiffs for the purposes of their 
"Beeton's Christmas Annual" was improper or un- 
authorized. According to the statements contained in the 
bill, the defendant was in business on his own account as a 
publisher down to the year 1866, and among the publica- 
tions of which he was the proprietor was " Beeton's Christ- 
mas Annual," now in its 15th year. In 1866 the plaintiffs pur- 
chased the copyrights and business property of the defendant, 
and in September of that year an agreement was entered 
into between the plaintiffs and the defendant, by which it 
was provided, among other things, that the defendant was to 
devote himself to the development of the plaintiffs' busi- 
ness and not to be interested in any other business without 
their consent ; that the plaintiffs were to have the use of 
the defendant's name for the purposes of their present and 
future publications, and that the defendant should not 
permit the use of his name for any other publication with- 
out their consent ; and the defendant was to be remu- 
nerated by a salary which was at first to consist of a fixed 
annual sum, and was subsequently to be equivalent to a 
fourth share of the profits of the plaintiffs' business. Under 
this agreement "Beeton's Christmas Annual" was pub- 
lished by the plaintiffs with the assistance of the defendant 
down to and including Christmas last. In the year 1872 
the annual consisted of a production called " The Coming 

K ." It was published, however, as the plaintiffs alleged, 

without their having seen the MSS., and, as it con- 
tained passages which they considered were open to grave 
objections, they refused to print or publish a second edition 
of it. In 1873 the annual consisted of a publication called 



"The Siliad," which was written by the same authors as 

" The Coming K ." In July last the plaintiffs applied 

to the defendant to prepare the volume of the annual for 
Christmas next, but desired that its character and contents 
might differ from those of " The Siliad," with which they 
were dissatisfied ; the defesdant, however, "neglected to 
prepare or assist in preparing the same." In October last the 
plaintiffs heard that the defendant was engaged in prepar- 
ing another annual in opposition to theirs. A correspondence 
ensued, in which the plaintiffs gave the defendant notice 
that they would maintain their rights, and required him to 
make proper arrangements for the production of the 
annual, while the defendant denied that he was in fault, 
and alleged that the plaintiffs had rejected the production 
he had proposed, which was to be by the authors of "The 

Coming K ," and that those gentlemen had then made 

their own arrangements for publishing their work. The 
plaintiffs then made arrangements with one of the authors of 
" The Siliad " for the annual of 1874, and announced it by 
advertisements in the newspapers,underthe title of "Beeton's 
Christmas Annual for 1874, 15th season." The title of the 
coming annual is "The Fijiad." The defendant then caused 
advertisements to be inserted in the Standard, Athen&unt, 
and other newspapers, addressed to booksellers, advertisers, 
and the public, stating that he had no hand in the annual 
announced by the plaintiffs ; that he devised long ago 
his usual annual in collaboration with the authors of " The 

Coming K " and "The Siliad;" that the title of the 

annual now in the press was "Jon Duan;" that it was 

written by the authors of "The Coming K " and " The 

Siliad," and would not be published by the plaintiffe, 
but by another publisher. Under these circumstances the 
present bill was filed yesterday, and in pursuance of leave 
then obtained the motion for injunction was made this 
morning. The defendant did not appear ; and upon an 
affidavit that service of the notice of motion had been 
effectedjupon him before five o'clock yesterday afternoon at 
his sountry residence, an order was made by the Court for 
an injunction in terms of the motion, extending -until the 
hearing of the cause. 



London : WELDON & CO., 15, Wine Office Court, Fleet Street. 



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plate. No plate-paste or powder whatever is required, because the cloth is chemically prepared and is quite 
sufficient alone to polish the plate. It is equally effective for Gold and Silver, Jewellery, &c. If the soap called 
Gard's Sapoline is used, instead of the usual soap, the plate need only be polished once a week with the Plate 
Cloths,, effecting a saving both in time and cloths. 

Each Plate Cloth will clean from 1 50 to 200 large and small pieces of plate, reckoning from the ordinary 
tea-spoon to the tea-pot, or from 450 to 600 pieces at the cost of One Shilling. 

After the cloths have been used for plate, they will clean Brass, Tins, &c, and finally, will serve as dusters. 

"self-cleaning 
BRASS & STEEL POLISHING CLOTHS. 

They will keep a brilliant polish on all metals save gold and silver, for which the Brass and Steel Cloths 
should not be used. It will be found that, by the regular use of these cloths, all the domestic metals can be 
kept bright with infinitely little labour, amounting, in fact, to scarcely more than the ordinary rubbing with a 
duster. Thus, the steel of grates and fenders, brass stair-rods, door-plates of either metal, brass-rods, shop- 
fronts, harness-mounts, bits, stirrups, &c, may always be kept in good order. 

Note. — These cloths are not intended to remove rust from iron or steel, or an old long-standing tarnish on 
brass, tin, &c. Whatever material is used to remove this has too much " cut " in it to leave a high polish 
although the highest burnish may be restored by the subsequent use of these cloths. 

Directions for Use. — Keep the cloth once or twice doubled while using, and briskly rub the article you 
are polishing. If brass is slightly tarnished, sprinkle a little water on the corner of the cloth and remove the 
tarnish, then finish with the dry part of the cloth. No wash-leathers nor anything else are required or should 
be used. — 

Prepared by GARD & CO., Dunstable, Beds. 

Three Cloths in a Box, Price ONE SHILLING. 
London Depot: 15, Wine Office Court, Fleet Street, E.C. 

LONDON WHOLESALE AGENTS. 

Barclay & Sons, 95, Farringdon Street. Hartee & Co., 101, 102, & 103, Upper Thames William Mather, 14, Bath Street, Newgate 

Burgoyne, Burbridges, & Co., 16, Coleman St. Street. ' Street. 

Bliss & Co., 13 and 15, Sun Street, Finsbury. G. Kent & Co., 11, Great Marlborough Street. Maw, Son, & Thompson, i, Little Britain. 
Crowden & Garrod, Falcon Square. j Lynch & Co., 171, Aldersgate Street. j F. Newbery & Sons, 37, Newgate Street. 

H. Edwards, 38, Old Change. Matthew & Son, 106, Upper Thames Street. ' J. Sanger & Sons, 150 and 252, Oxford Street. 

Sold by all the principal Drapers, Ironmongers, Chemists, Fancy Stationers, and Brushmakers, and to be had at all Bazaars. 

AGENTS IN THE SUBURBS. 



Bayswater T. H. Squire, 4, Wellington Terrace. 

H J. Hawes & Son, 105, Queen's Road. 

Brixton B. Little & Co., near the Church. 

Brompton George Hammond, 173, Brompton Road. 

Camberzuell H. C. Davis. 

Chalk Farm Road S. Mousley and E. Nicholas. 

Chelsea W. Aston, Sloane Square. 

Clap/iam Langford & Co. 

Rise .... F. Stone. 
Clapton (Upper) .. A. Jenkinson, Wood St. ; J. Barker, Hill St. 

Clapton . . Varley, Mount Pleasant Road. 

Crovdon Redgrove & Bowder. 

Enfield E. Mann. 

Finchley E. J. Daniells. 

Hackney Stiff & Son, 171, Mare Street. 

H. Rawlings, 406, Mare Street. 



Foster, 107, King St.; Williams, near the Gate. 

R. James, High Street. 

T. Condron ; Coote & Symons. 

E. A. Hussey, 187, Seven Sisters Road. 

H. Browne ; E. Coldrey. 
Islington J. Plumber, 230, Upper Street. 

P. Barefoot, 136, Upper Street. 

C. Savage, 216, Park Road. 

J. Barker & Co.; Seaman, Little, & Co. 

G. C. Lewis & Sons. 

Richmond W. F. Reynolds ; J. G. Pierce. 

St. John's Wood . . Keeble, 10, King's College Road. 
Tottenhamf Lower) H. Woodcock. 
Westboume Grove W. Whiteley ; Edw. Cox. 
Wi?ichmore Hill . . H. Austin. 
Wood Green W. B. Edwards. 



Hammersmith . 

Highgate 

Holloway 

Horusey Rise 



Kennington 
Kensington 
Kn igh ts bridge 



A ndover 

Birmingham 
Belfast 



Bournemouth 
Brighton .... 
Cheltenhaju . . 

Ion. 

Colchester 

Exmouth 



Hawkins & Clarke. 

Powell & Co., Bullring. 

R. Patterson & Co. 

David Mitchell. 

T. F. Short. 

The Supply Association. 

A. Jack. 

J. R. Lovegrove. 

H. Joslen. 

J. Plimsoll. 



A msterdam . . 

Berlin 

Hamburgh 

Milan 



Y. H. Redeke, S.S. 35, Singel. 

Rudolph Hertzog. 

P. F. Wendt, No. 20, Grimm. 

I. Hartmann, No. 2, Via Carlo Porta. 



AGENTS IN THE UNITED KINGDOM. 

Glasgow Graham & Son. 

Gra-uesend M. H. Bevan. 

Hastings R. Spencer. 

,, Liddeard & Co. 

Hartlepool J. Stonehouse. 

He7iley-on-Thames A. W. Pescud. 
,, „ McBean Bros. 

Lee (Kent) White & Sons. 

Leeds Wit Smeeton. 

Liverpool Heintz & Co. 

FOREIGN DEPOTS. 

Paris F 



Paisley McArthur. 

Slough H. Groveney. 

Soutliampton .... H.B.Kent. 

Margate M. Byles. 

Ma7ichester Wm. Mather. 

Oxford Gill & Co. 

Plymouth Popham, Radford, & Co 

Watford W. Wise. 

Winchester Carter, Son, & Co. 

Wisbech Redin & Sons. 



Odessa Theod. Brientana. 



F. Ampenot, 92, Rue Richelieu. 

Philadelphia, U.S. Rhoads & Harris, 406, Commerce Street. 

St. Peter sburgh W. Douque, 26, Grande. 

Vienna Jelinek & Mose, 4, Kollnerhofgrasse. 



JON DUAN ADVERTISEMENTS. 



DR. ROOKE'S 
ANTI -LAN CET. 

All who wish to preserve health, and thus prolong 
life, should read Dr. Rooke's " Anti-Lancet ; or, Handy 
Guide to Domestic Medicine," which can be had 
GRATIS from any Chemist, or POST FREE from 
Dr.RoOKE, Scarborough. 

Concerning this book, which contains 168 pages, the 
late eminent author, Sheridan Knowles, observed : — 
"It will be an incalculable boon to every person who 
can read and think." 



CROSBY'S 

BALSAMIC 

COUGH ELIXIR 

Is specially recommended by several eminent Physicians, and 
by Dr. Rooke, Scarborough, Author of the "Anti-Lancet." 

It has been used with the most signal success for Asthma, 
Bronchitis, Consumption, Coughs, Influenza, Consumptive Night- 
sweats, Spitting of Blood,- Shortness of Breath, and all affec- 
tions of the Throat and Chest. 

Sold in Bottles, at is. gd., 45. 6d., and us. each, by all 
respectable Chemists ; and Wholesale by JAMES M. CROSBY, 
Chemist, Scarborough. 

IS- Invalids should read Crosby's Prize Treatise on 
"Diseases of the Lungs and Air-Vessels," a copy of 
which can be had Gratis of all Chemists. 



Now Ready y price $s,, handsomely bound, cloth gilt 

JON DUAN. 



Those who wish to have their Copies bound can be sup- 
plied with the Cloth Cases, post free, for 2s. 



WELDON & CO., 15, Wine Office Court, Fleet Street; 
And all Booksellers and Newsagents, except Messrs. Smith & Son's Bookstalls. 



COLLIER & SON'S CHOCOLATE POWDER, Is. per lb. 




is 

TO THE EXHI3IT10!- 

oFisy'...s a< 3. 



500,000 SAMPLE 



PACKETS 



Of this Inimitable 
Chocolate Powder 
were given away at the Exhibition, 1862. Hundreds of 
thousands are now using it, finding it unequalled. We 
respectfully solicit a trial; feeling assured that you will continue to use it. 
It is strongly recommended by the Faculty, strengthening the weakly and 
invigorating the healthy. One Cup, or Twenty, made in One Minute, with boil- 
ing water only, milk or sugar not being necessary. 

TESTIMONIALS. 

_ "James Collier & Son have patented a Chocolate Powder, which, for flavour, digestibility, and 
facility of preparation, equals any with which we have hitherto met. The very moderate price charged 
per lb. puts this useful preparation within the reach of all classes of the community." — The Homoeopathic 



" Is deservedly preferred to almost any other by those who have used it. 
" It is particularly easy of digestion by the most delicate. 



-Press and St 



- Vade Mccimi. 
Jajnes's Chronicle. 



Prepared by J. COLLIER & SON, Manufacturers of all kinds of Prepared Cocoa and 
Chocolate, French, Eating, Fancy Chocolates, Chocolate Cremes, &c. 
Purveyors of Mustard to the International Exhibitions, 1 87 1 -2, 3, and 4. 
Sold by Grocers, Chemists, and Oilmen, loose is. per lb., or in 1 lb. square tins, is. \d. each. 
COMMERCIAL STEAM MILLS, LONDON. 



JON DUAN ADVERTISEMENTS. 



SOLAR STOVES. 



PORTABLE COOKING STOVES. 




No, 1. Open lire. 

As per Illustration. 

No. 2. Close Tire. 



Price £\ each. 



Size. 

Height, 26 in. ; 

Diameter of Body, 

8in. 

These Stoves pre- 
serve the purity of 
the air, are very 
economical, and 
burn all night. 




Prices from £1 IOs. to £14 each. ^ 



BROWN & GREEN, Prize Medal Kitchen Range Manufacturers, 

72, BISHOPSGATE WITHIN, LONDON. 



GOLD LOCKET for 2s., to hold Hair or Por- 

trait, richly Engraved and Enamelled. Warranted real Gold. In 
Box, free per post, 26 stamps ; next size, 44 stamps ; large size, 
56 stamps. 

GOLD PENCIL CASE for 2s,, richly En- 

.graved, with handsome Seal Top, Reserve of Leads, Ring and Slide 

for Chain, or shut up for pocket. Warranted real Gold. In Box, 

. per post, 26 stamps ; do., incrusted with turquoise, 38 stamps. 

SILVER WATCH for 21*, with Guarantee for 

Twelve Months, horizontal movement, four holes jewelled, enamelled 
dial, sunk seconds, solid silver engine-turned case, plated inner case, 
carefully examined and timed. In Box, safe per registered post, 22s.; 
superior finished ditto, 26s.; best make ditto, solid silver inner case, 
43s. ; ditto, ditto, extra stout cases, jewelled in every hole, 645.; 
Patent Lever, with English escapements, yis. ; ditto with crystal 
glass, 85J.; Ladies' elegant Silver Watches, horizontal movements, 
3 1 s., 36$., 435., and 64J. each ; gold ditto, 61s., jis., ioo\y., and 150?. 
each. 



GOLD SIGNET RING for $s. 6d, richly En- 

graved, Solid Gold, Hall-marked Mount, set with choice Sardonyx or 
Blood-stone. Superior qualities, 7s. 6d., ios. 6d., 15.J. 6d., and 21J. 
each. In Box, free per registered post, 6d. extra. Size of finger 
obtained by cutting hole in card. 

GOLD GEM RING (Ladies') for 4 s. 6d., post 

free for 58 stamps, set with Garnets, paste Turquoise, &c. Better 
quality, 6s. 6d., 8s. 6d., and ior. 6d. Superior make, 14s., 16s. 6d., 
and 183-. 6d. Best make, set with Rubies, Emeralds, and Pearls, &c, 
as desired, Half-hoops, Clusters, Stars, and other fancy patterns, at 
prices from 25J. to £5. Post free on receipt of amount in P.O.O., 
together with 6d. registration fee. 

GOLD ALBERT CHAIN for 21s., warranted 

Solid Gold, new and fashionable design, fitted with Patent Swivel 
and handsome Key. Large sizes, with Patent Swivel, Bar, and Drop- 
piece for Locket, &c. 305., 42J., 635., and 70s. each. Leontine or 
Brooch Chains, with Patent Swivel and Pendant for Charms, &c, 
46$., 63s., and 75s. each. Necklets, ios. 6d., 15s. 6d., 21s., 25J., and 
30J. each. Safe per registered post, 6d. extra. 



J. SCOTT, Jewel/en 7, Greuille Street, Hatton Garden, London, E.C 



P. O.O. Payable at Holborx Viaduct. 



MADAME CORINNE, MADAME OORINNE, 



30, Henrietta Street, Covent Garden. 



ANTEPHELIC MILK. 

The Best Cosmetic, 

And only Remover of Freckles, Spots, Tan, Sunburn, 
Redness, and all Disfigurations of the Skin. 

Sold in Bottles at 6s., Carriage paid. 



Paris : Caneles. London : Madame CORINNE. 



30, Henrietta Street, Covent Garden. 

V E L 6TTT I N E . 

A Harmless and Imperceptible Powder. 
This Powder is sold in Three Shades, White, Rose, and 
Brunette, to suit all Complexions. 

Veloutine imparts the bloom of youth, and entirely 
conceals the ravages of time; its constant use promotes a 
healthy skin. 

Sold in Boxes at 3s. 6d. and 5s., Post free. 

Paris : Fay. London : Madame CORINNE. 



JON DUAN ADVERTISEMENTS. 



DR. J. COLLIS BROWNE'S CHLORODYNE, 

THE ORIGINAL AND ONL/ GENUINE. 

CHLORODYNE is the best remedy known for Coughs, Consumption, Bronchitis, Asthma. 
CHLORODYNE effectually checks and arrests those too often fatal diseases— Diphtheria, Fever, Croup, Ague. 
CHLORODYNE acts like a charm, in Diarrhoea, and is the only specific in Cholera and Dysentery. 
CHLORODYNE effectually cuts short all attacks of Epilepsy, Hysteria, Palpitation, and Spasms. 
CHLORODYNE is the only palliative in Neuralgia, Rheumatism, Gout, Cancer, Toothache, Meningitis, &c. 
CAUTION— BEWARE OF PIRACY AND IMITATIONS. 
Earl Russell communicated to the College of Physicians that he had received a despatch from Her Majesty's Consul at Manilla to the effect 



that 



Cholera had been raging fearfully, and that the only remedy of any service was Chlorodyne. — See La7icet, Dec. 31, 1864. 
Dr M'Millman of New Galloway, Scotland.—" I consider it the most valuable Medicine known." 
Dr' Gibbon Army Medical Staff, Calcutta.— "Two doses completely cured me of Diarrhoea." 



From Dr. J.' Boulton & Co., Horncastle. — "We have made pretty extensive use of Chlorodyne in our practice lately, and look upon it as an 
excellent Sedative and Anti-Spasmodic. It seems to allay pain and irritation, in whatever organ, and from whatever cause. It induces a feeling 
of comfort and quietude not obtainable by any other remedy, and it seems to possess this great advantage over all other sedatives, that it leaves 

no unpleasant after-effects. " ^ r 

CAUTION.— Vice-Chancellor Sir W. Page Wood stated that Dr. J. Collis .Browne was undoubtedly the inventor of Chlorodyne, that 
the story of the Defendant Freeman was deliberately untrue, which, he regretted to say, had been sworn to.— See Times, July 13, 1864. 

Sold in Bottles at is. \%d., is. gd., and 4s. 6d. each. None is genuine without the words " Dr. J. Collis Browne's Chlorodyne " 
on the Government Stamp. Overwhelming Medical Testimony accompanies each bottle. 

Sole Manufacturer, J. T. DAVENPORT, 33, Great Russell Street, Bloomsbury, London. 




MILLAED'S 

"INVISIBLE" 

FACE POWDER. 

For Beautifying and Pre 
serving the Complexion 

Delicately Perfumed. 

Specially adapted/or use 

in Hot Climates. 

Sold by Chemists and 
Perfumers, in Packets 
6d., and elegant Boxes 
with Puff, is. and 2s. 
each. 



AN ELEGANT 

DEUTIFKIGE 

For the Teeth and Gums. 

In Pots, One Shilling 

each. 

E. H. Millard & Sons, 

44, Barbican, 
London, E.C. 



PAINLESS DENTISTRY. 



MR. G. H. JONES is the inventor of a new system of 
supplying the defects of the human mouth by artificial substitutes 
(Prize Medal Teeth, London and Paris),which obviates the old, clumsy, 
and painful methods. Consultation daily at his residence, 57, Great 
Russell Street, opposite the British Museum. Prices within the reach 
of all classes. 




CLUB CARDS. 

MUDIE'S genuine SECOND-HAND CARDS 
are pleasanter in use and much more durable than those 
sold new at the same prices, gd., is., and is. 3^. per pack (by 
post id. extra); 8s., iij-., and 145. per dozen. Orders with 
remittances receive immediate attention. 

MTJDIE & SONS, Manufacturing Stationers, 
15, Coventry Street, London, W. 



THE BOOK OF POLONAISE LACE. 

THE SILKWORM. 

Showing how to Imitate Yak, C limey, and Guipure Laces in Crochet. 

"An invaluable lace for trimming." — Vide Press Notices of this useful Work. 

PRICE ONE SHILLING. Post free, 14 Stamps. 

The Silkworm's Book of Polonaise Lace is the First of a Series of Books intended for the use of Ladies 
upon the Ornamental Arts of Life, as well as the Useful Knowledge of Household Duties. The Silkworm, for 
many years the Editress of The Englishwoman's Domestic Magazine whilst Mr. Beeton was its 
Editor, has ceased all connection with the House of Ward & LOCK, and with any Magazines and Books 
issued by that Firm. All Communications for her are to be addressed to Messrs. Weldon & Co., 15, Wine 
Office Court, Fleet Street, London, E.C. 

In her capacity, and under the name of The Silkworm, she is preparing some useful books for the press ; 
and meanwhile any Novelties which Houses may wish to be noticed will receive her immediate attention, and 
descriptions of New Articles will be inserted in the pages of Myra's Journal. 

THE SILKWORM SERIES.— A Set of Boohs on Ornamental Arts and Useful Knowledge for Ladies. 

1. THE BOOK OF POLONAISE LACE. By THE SILKWORM. 

2. ELEMENTARY NEEDLEWORK. By THE SILKWORM 

3. MACRAME LACE. By THE SILKWORM. 

Other Volumes in Preparation, which will be shortly announced. 
London: WELDON & CO., Publishers, 15, Wine Office Court, Fleet Street, E.C. 



JON DUAN ADVERTISEMENTS. 




The Bridge of Alcantara, 



WALKER'S CRYSTAL CASE WATCHES. 

JOHN WALKER, 

CHRONOMETER, WATCH & CLOCK MANUFACTURER. 

(Prize Medallist of the Exhibitions of 1S62 and 1867.) 
68, CORNHILL; 230, REGENT STREET; AND 76, STRAND. 



J. W. invites the attention of the Public to his CRYSTAL CASE WATCHES, which obviate the necessity of 
Hunting Case Watch, being much stronger and more convenient.— Silver, from £6 6s.; Gold, from ^15 15^. 



CIVIL SERVICE & ARMY & NAVY 

SCHOLASTIC AND DOMESTIC AGENCIES, 

52, Regent Street, London, W. 




English and Foreign School Governesses, Pro- 
fessors, and Tutors, carefully Selected and Introduced 
to Families Free o f Charge. 

BASKERVILLE VELLUM WOVE NOTE PAPER 
and ENVELOPES.— A new Writing Paper of delicate cream 
colour manufactured of pure linen rag, possessing great firmness and 
uniformity of texture, entirely free from greasiness of surface, and in the 
various degrees of finish with which it is prepared is adapted for every 
stvle of writing, and for either Quill or Steel Pens. 5 quires and 100 
envelopes in handsome Cabinet Box, 5s.; or stamped with Monogram or 
Address in Colour, js. 6d. 

No Charge for Die. Sample gratis. 10 per cent, discount for cash. 
GOOCH & SON, Stationers, 55, King William Street, London, E.C. 



WORLD RENOWNED DOG MIXTURE. 

in Bottles, 2s., 5-r., and iar.; and for the use of Kennels, 455- per 
Gallon. 

Testimonial from Lord Lurgax. 
" Brownlow House, Lurgan, Ireland, December 5th. 1872 
" I have used Benbow's Mixture for some years for my Greyhounds, and am quite 
satisfied that it improves the health and condition of the Dogs. 

(Signed) "LURGAN. 



EN BOW'S 



MEDICATED DOG SOAP, 

In Tablets, 6d. each. 

SOLD BY 

BENBOW & SONS, 12, Little Britain, London, E.C. 

A>id all Chemists in the United Kingdom. 
Agent for Dublin : W. WHYTE, 4, Marlborough Street 



JON DUAN ADVERTISEMENTS. 



PETER ROBINSON'S 



URGENT MOURNING. 

On Receipt of Letter or Telegram, 

MOURNING GOODS will be forwarded to all parts of England on approbation 
— no matter the distance — with an excellent fitting Dressmaker (if necessary), without 
extra charge. 

Skirts, Costumes, Mantles, Polonaises, Bonnets, Millinery, and every 
requisite, forming Complete Outfits for Widows, Family and Servants' Mourning, 
at prices unequalled for Cheapness. 



GENERAL MOURNING WAREHOUSE, 256, REGENT STREET, LONDON. 



MOURNING WAREHOUSE. 



BRAGG'S PURE CARBON BISCUITS. 

A Nutritious, Pleasant, & Healthful Diet, 

Which has produced great benefit and positive relief to 
thousands of sufferers from Indigestion, Bile, Acidity, 
Foul Breath, Dyspepsia, Heartburn, Worms, &c., at this 
season of the year; is now strongly recommended as 
a relief, if not a preventive, of Diarrhoea and other 
Choleraic Disorders. There is medical testimony to its 
beneficial effects in those complaints. 




Sold in Tins, is., is., 4s., and 8s. each, by all 
Chemists and by the Manufacturer. 



QUEEN INSURANCE COMPANY. 

CAPITAL . . TWO MILLIONS STERLING. 

F I R E — LI FE— AN N U I T I E S. 



FUNDS IN HAND 
CLAIMS PAID 



£612,391. 
£1,348,314. 



LONDON OFFICE: 60, GRACECHURCH STREET, E.C 

J. K. RUMFORD, Res. Secretary. 



JON DUAN ADVERTISEMENTS. 



HIGH CLASS FASHIONABLE CLOTHING 




LAWEANCE D. PHILLIPS & Co. 

Court, Military, and General Tailors, 

13, GEORGE STREE T, HANOVER S QUARE, LONDON, W. 

A fashionable private order trade of the highest class, established for upwards of Half 
a Century on the credit system, but now doing business on a new plan, and supplying 
Clothes and Uniforms of precisely the same style and quality at greatly Reduced Prices 
exclusively for Cash payment. 



PRICE LIST ON APPLICATION. 



Specialite for Ladies' Riding Habits, Fur-trimmed and Braided Jackets 
and Paletots, Tweed, Angola, and Cashmere Costumes, &c, &c. 

"WANZEK" "^wing Machines, 

Superior to all others. 

Vienna Exhibition, Two First Prize Medals were awarded to the Wanzer Sewing Ma chines. 
Also the Only Grand Silver Medal &> Diploma from the Society of Arts &> Manufactures of Lower Austria. 



"WANZER" F. New FAMILY MACHINE, 

with Patent Reversible Feed Motion, and all the Latest Improvements. Specially adapted for 
Families, Dress-making, and light Manufacturing Purposes. 

£7:7:0. 

"WANZER" D. HEAVY MACHINE, suitable 

for Tailors, Outfitters, and Manufacturers of Heavy Goods. 

£8:8 = 0. 

"LITTLE WANZER" HAND MACHINE 

continues to rank first in its class, 500,000 having been sold. 

£4:4:0. 



Prospectus. Price Lists, and all information Free. 



Offices : 4, GREAT PORTLAND STREET, LONDON, W., 

And 58, Boar Lane, Leeds. 



JON DUAN ADVERTISEMENTS. 




THE IRISH WAREHOUSE. 



IRISH POPLINS. 



IRISH LINENS. 



The Largest Stock in the United Kingdom, including 
all the New Colours for the Season. Our new 
shade and make of Soft Finish Black Poplin, 
is admittedly superior in appearance and durability 
to the Richest Silks. 

Manufactory, 7 and 8, Eustace Street, Dublin. 

Rich Double Damask Table Linen, Sheet- 
ings, Towellings, and every article in House- 
Furnishing Linens, of the best manufacture, and 
at moderate prices. Also, 

Irish Cambric Handkerchiefs, Real Bal- 
briggan Hosiery, and Irish Laces. 
Patterns Post Free. Parcels Carriage Paid. 



INGLIS & TINCKLER, 147, Regent Street, London. 

DYER'S WATCHES,Best& Cheapest in the World 




Seasonable Presents — Special Reductions — Thirty per Cent. Saved. 



Youth's Crystal Watches 
Lady's Elegant . . . 
Serviceable Hunters 
Superior Levers . . . 



30s. 

35'. 
52s. 

55*- 



Aluminium Watches 



£3 iy- 

£3 iSs. 
£4 i&. 
£6 10s. 



Lowest Prices, Silver Watches. Lowest Prices, Gold Watches. 

Silver Open Face .... 21s. each. Lady's Fashionable Gold . £2 4s. each. 

Lady's Superior .... 
Gent's Crystal Gold Dials 
Superior Levers . . . 
Patent Keyless . . . 
14J. 6d., iSs., 30s. and upwards. 
Every Watch carefully Timed, Tested, and Warranted for 2, 3, and 5 years. 
Every description of Clocks and Gold Jewellery kept in Stock. 
Price Lists Free. Orders safe per post. Bankers : Union Bank of London. 

DYER & SONS, Watch Manufacturers & Goldsmiths ,90, Regent St., London, W. 

Offices, and Workshops : 3, Great Vine Street, Regent Street. Manufactory : Chaux-de-Fonds, Switzerland. 

Sewing Machines of Every Description. 



WHOLESALE 



THE MONARCH, 
£4 4 0. 



It is absurdly claimed for almost 
every Machine, of whatever descrip- 
tion, that it is superior to all others, 
for all kinds of work. 

SMITH & CO., having no inter- 
est in selling any particular Machine, 
are enabled to recommend impar- 
tially the one best suited for the 




AND RETAIL. 



RECESSED TABLE, 
£1 10 0. 



work required to be done, and offer 
this GUARANTEE to their Cus- 
tomers : Any Machine sold by them 
may be 

EXCHANGED, 

After One Month's trial, for 
any other kind, without Charge 
for Use. 



SMITH & CO., 30, Edgware Road, Hyde-Park, 

(Corner of Seymour Street), and 

4, CHARLES STREET, SOHO SQUARE. 



JON DUAN ADVERTISEMENTS. 



INDIGESTION ! 

INDIGESTION!! 

MORSON'S PREPARATIONS OF PEPSINE. 

See Name on Label. 
Highly Recomme7ided by the Medical Profession. 



Sold in Bottles as Wine, at 3j\, $s., and 9^.; Lozenges, is. 6d. and 4s. 6d.; Globules, 2s., 3^. 6d., and 6s. 6a.; 
and Powder in i oz. bottles, at 5j. each, by all Chemists and the Manufacturers, 

T. MORSON & SON, Southampton Row, Russell Square, London. 



PARTRIDCEXCOOPEB.l 



WHOLESALE & RETAIL MANUFACTURING ST A TIONERS, 

192, Fleet Street, and 1 & 2, Chancery Lane, London. 

The Sole Proprietors and Manufacturers of the 

VELLUM WOVE CLUB-HOUSE NOTE PAPER, 

Which combines a perfectly smooth surface with total freedom from grease. 



No Charge for P lain Stamping. Relief Stamping reduced to is. per 1 00. 
Illuminating and Die Sinking done by the Best A rtists. 



CHRISTMAS PRESENTS AND NEW YEARS GIFTS, 

An immense variety, suitable for every Age and every Class. 



HOUSEHOLD, OFFICE, COMMERCIAL, AND LEGAL STATIONERY, 

Supplied 20 per cent, lower than any other House in the Trade. 



192, FLEET STREET, AND 1 & 2, CHANCERY LANE, E.C, 

Established 1841. 



FUN ERAL REFO RM. 

THE LONDON NECROPOLIS COMPANY, 
as the Originators of the Funeral Reform, v .ave 
published a small Pamphlet explanatory of their s tern, 
which is simple, unostentatious, and inexpensive. It can be 
had gratis, or will be sent by post, upon application. 
Chief Office, 2, Lancaster Place, Strand, W.C. 






GRAINS OF HEALTH (Registered).— A Pearl Coated 
PILL (Tasteless). A certain Cure for Indigestion, Bilious and Liver Com- 
plaints. Of all Chemists, at is. i$d. and 2j. gd. per box. 



SOLID THIRST-QUENCHERS, 

Or Effervescing Lozenges, 

Relieve the most intense Thirst, at the same time 
obviating the frequent desire for taking fluids. Price is. ; 
by Post, is. 2d. 

W. T. COOPEK, Patentee, 26, Oxford Street, London. 



EFFERVESCING 

ASTRINGENT VOICE LOZENGE. 

Used with the greatest success by Mdlle. Tietjens, 
Madame Marie Roze, and other distinguished Operatic 
Artistes. Do not produce drynes?. Do not contain any 
irritant. Impart a most agreeable odour to the breath. Are 
perfectly harmless. 



## 



JON DUAN AD VERTISEMENTS. 






OHO 

/Innu 



ufl | ConsuwPV FOR LUNCHEON. 1 



GRAND MEDAL^AT^FHE_VIENN* L J^ 

LOWEST PRICES. 

Patterns can be forwarded to the 

Country free. 

FIRST-CLASS DRAPERY. 

LOWEST PRICES. 

FIRST-CLASS SILKS, 

LOWEST PRICES. 
Patterns Post Free. 

FIRST-CLASS FURNITURE. 

LOWEST PRICES. 
Art Illustrated Price List Post Free. , -„ „ K j, ^ii 

ents can have the full advantage of Lowest London Prices by writing for Patterns, winch will 
be forwarded Post Free. 

T. VENABLES & SONS, 103, 104, & 105, WHITECHAPEL, 

And 2, 4. 6. 8. 10. 12. & 16, COMMERCIAL STREET, LONDON, E. 





2, 4, 6, 8, 10 

Postal Address 



12, & 16, COMMERCIAL STREET, LONDON 

T. Venables & Sons, 103, Whitechapel, London, E 



A CHEERFUL HOME 



SECURED BY USING 



it 



THE WINDOW BLIND OF THE PERIOD, 



This Blind has obtained an unimpeachable reputation for 
Elegance, Durability, and Economy in Window Space. It 
adorns, cheers, and beautifies the Palaces of the Nobility and 
the Mansions of the^Gentry in all parts of the World. 
It Fixes in Less than Half the Space of a Wqod Blind. 
*mm SEE IT AT ONCE. 

Send for a Sample Lath, Price List, and Testimonials, which 
will be forwarded free on application to the Patentees. 

HODKINSON & CLARKE, 

Who are the only Corrugated Metallic Window Blind Manufacturers in 
the World. Best House for all kinds of Sun Blinds. 

Canada Works, Small Heath, Birmingham, 
And 2, Cms well Street, Finsbury Square, London, E.C. 

OUT on the Waters, Ocean, River, or Lake ; in Steamer, 
Ship, Yacht, Yawl, Boat, Canoe, or other craft. Wherever 
self-help is a condition, THE PORTABLE KITCHENERS, 
supplied at No n, Oxford Street, obtain for the possessor in all 
culinary operations ample and speedy Services. Breakfast or Tea, 
with Eggs and Bacon, Chops, Kidney, Sausage, &c, &c, for one to 
three or four persons, in Ten to Twenty Minutes. Dinner for ditto in 
Twelve to Thirty Minutes. Fire, without fuel ! No dirt ! No nuisance ! 
Available in Cabin or on Deck, on River Bank, in Railway Carriage, on 
Tour, Excursion, or Picnic ; in Sanctum, Office, Chamber, Study, 
Boudoir, or Mountain top. Anywhere and instantly, under any circum- 
stances. Price for one person, complete, 55. ; for two, 7s. 6d.; for three, 
ioj. 6d. to 13$. 6d.; for four, i8j. 6d., 21^., or 25s. 6d. 

Failure or disappointment absolutely unknown. 
Also THE POCKET KITCHENER, now familiarised all the 
world over, 3 s. gd. Also, THE COMRADE COOKING STOVE, 
for Home Service, for Jungle, Backwoods, Bush, Prairie, Gold or Dia- 
mond Fields, &c, &c, ios.6d. Ditto, in Japanned Case (occupying less 
space than ahat-box), with fifteen to twenty-five utensils,i7.y.6<3?.to'25.s'.6ar. 
Invented and sold Export, Wholesale, and Retail, by 

THOMAS GREVILLE POTTER, SteUa LampDepot, 
No 11, Oxford Street, near "The Oxford." 
Send for Catalogue, interesting as a Novel. 



THE ROYAL GALVANIC BATH, 

55, Marylebone Road, N. W., close to Baker Street, Si ^»- , 
These celebrated Galvanic Baths have been proved to b e v. ^derMly 
efficacious, both as Hygienic and Curative Agents. They: are soot hin 
tonic, and 'invigorating in.their action and ^ve a specific^ effe ct upon 
all disorders of the nervous and muscular systems. Ihey can be appnea 
without ^pafn or shock and be adjusted with the greatest nicety to suit 
age, sex, and constitution. ^ ^ ^^ 

Subscription for 12 First-Class Bath Tickets £4 4*- 

Jgl£$^^^ 

RYDE, ISl¥^Fw1gHtT 
RECOMMENDED BY EMINENT PHYSICIANS. 

HOPGOOD & CO.'S 

NUTRITIVE & SEDATIVE CREAM 

FOR THE HAIR, HAS THE TESTIMONY OF 
Eminent Physicians to its "surprising" and" railing success. 
™j!r^Wle^Wc^^ 

The BEST CATALOQUE FOR AMATEUES 
AND GARDENERS. 




Full of Instructions about Seeds and Plants, with Parti- 
culars of everything relating to Gardening. 
Pric e Is., Post F ree. 

HOOPER & CO , Couent Garden, London. 



JON DUAN ADVERTISEMENTS. 




Xll 



JON DC/AN ADVERTISEMENTS. 



Original Patent, 1866. 



DARLOW & CO.'S 

linSlL t INb/^gB IMPROVED PATENT FLEXIBLE 

iUO«^i| MAGNETIC APPLIANCES. 



tmrnm 

■PATEN! 



The ever-increasing success of Messrs. DARLOW & CO.'S MAGNETIC 
I Appliances during the past EIGHT YEARS, is evidence of their apprecia- 
Improved Patent, 1873. tion by the public, and the testimony of gentlemen of the highest standing in 
the medical profession is that MAGNETINE far surpasses all other inventions of a similar character for curative purposes 
MAGNETINE is unique as a PERFECTLY FLEXIBLE MAGNET. It is an entirely original invention of Messrs'. 
DARLOW & CO., improved by them on their previous invention patented in 1866, and possessing qualities which cannot 
be found in any other magnetic substance. It is soft, light, and durable, — entirely elastic, perfectly flexible through- 
out, and permanently magnetic. 



DARLOW & CO.'S Magnetine Appliances 
are now freely recommended by some of the most emi- 
nent in the medical profession, from the established fact of their 
power to afford both relief and cure to the exhausted nervous 
system; also in Incipient Paralysis and Consumption, 
Loss of Brain and Nerve power, and in cases of 
GOUT and RHEUMATISM, SPINAL, LIVER, 
KIDNEY, LUNG, THROAT, and CHEST 
COMPLAINTS, GENERAL DEBILITY, INDI- 
GESTION, HERNIA, SCIATICA, NEURALGIA, 
BRONCHITIS, and OTHER FORMS of NERV- 
OUS and RHEUMATIC AFFECTIONS. 
The adaptation of these appliances is so simple that a child 
can use them ; and so gentle, soothing, and vitalising is their 
action, that they can be placed on the most delicate invalid 
without fear of inconvenience. 



TES TIMON IAL. 
From Garth Wilkinson, Esq., M.D., M.R.O.S.E. 
76, Wimpole Street, Cavendish square, London, W. 
F. W. Darlow, Esq. March 17, 1874. 

Sir,— I am able to certify that I have used your Magnetic 
Appliances pretty largely in my practice, and that in personal 
convenience to my patients they are unexceptionable, and far 
superior to any other inventions of the kind which I have 
employed ; and that of their efficacy, their positive powers, I 
have no doubt. I have found them useful in constipation, in 
abdominal congestion, in neuralgia, and in many cases involving 
weakness of the spine, and of the great organs of the abdomen. 
In the public interest I wish you to use my unqualified testimony 
in favour of your Magnetic Appliances. 
I remain, yours faithfully, 
Garth Wilkinson, M.D., M.R.C.S.E. 



DARLOW & CO., 435, WEST STRAND, LONDON, W.C., 

Nearly opposite Charing Cross Station, three doors east of the Lowther Arcade. 
Descriptive Pamphlets post free."] [Illustrated Price Lists post free. 



GOUT AND RHEUMATISM.— The excruciating 
pain of Gout or Rheumatism is quickly relieved and cured 
in a few days by that celebrated Medicine, BLAIR'S GOUT 
AND RHEUMATIC PILLS. They require no restraint of 
diet or confinement during their use, and are certain to prevent 
the disease attacking any vital part. 
Sold at is. i%d. and <zs. gd. per Box by all Medicine Vendors. 

FRAMPTON'S PILL OF HEALTH. 

THIS excellent Family Medicine is the most 
effective remedy for indigestion, bilious and liver com- 
plaints, sick headache, loss of appetite, drowsiness, giddiness, 
spasms, and all disorders of the stomach and bowels ; and, where 
an occasional aperient is required, nothing can be better adapted. 
For Females these Pills are truly excellent, removing all 
obstructions, the distressing headache so very prevalent with the 
sex, depression of spirits, dulness of sight, nervous affections, 
blotches, pimples, and sallowness of the skin, and give a healthy 
bloom to the complexion. 
Sold by all Medicine Vendors, price is. i%d. and 2s. gd.per Box. 

FREEMAN'S CHLORODYNE 

THE ORIGINAL AND ONLY GENUINE 

Considered by the Faculty one of the greatest discoveries of the ce?itttry. 
FREEMAN'S CHLORODYNE is the best remedy known for Coughs, 

Consumption, Bronchitis, and Asthma. 
FREEMAN'S CHLORODYNE effectually checks and arrests those too 

often fatal diseases — Diphtheria, Fever, Croup, and Ague. 
FREEMAN'S CHLORODYNE acts like a charm in Diarrhoea, and is 

the only specific in Cholera and Dysentery. 
FREEMAN'S CHLORODYNE effectually cuts short all attacks of 

Epilepsy, Hysteria, Palpitation, and Spasms. 
FREEMAN'S CHLORODYNE is the only palliative in Neuralgia, 

Rheumatism, Gout, Cancer, Tooth-ache, Meningitis, &c. 
FREEMAN'S CHLORODYNE rapidly relieves pain from whatever 

Cause. 
FREEMAN'S CHLORODYNE allays the irritation of Fever, soothes 

the system under exhausting diseases, and gives quiet and refreshing sleep. 
IMPORTANT CAUTION.— Four Chancery Suits terminated in favour of FREE- 
MAN'S ORIGINAL CHLORODYNE. Lord Chancellor Selborne, Lord Justice James, 
Lord Justice Mellish, and Vice-Chancellor Sir W. Page Wood (now Lord Hather- 
ley), all decided in its favour, and against the proprietors of J. Collis Browne's, con- 
demning their conduct, and ordering them to pay all costs of the suitST 
Sold by ail Chemists, in Bottles at is. i%d.; i oz., is. gd.; 4 oz., 4$. 6d.; 
10 oz., us.; and 20 oz., 20s. each. 
CATJTION. —Beware of Piracy, Spurious Imitations, and Fraud. 



BREATHES THERE A MAN."— Scott. 



Breathes there a man with soul so dead 
Who never to himself hath said, 

"To have moustaches would be grand ; " 
Whose heart hzth ne'er within him burned, 
As o'er the pape ihe hath turned. 

And Wright's advertisement hath scanned 
If such there be, go, mark him well, 
And in his ears the good news tell : 
PILOSAGINE has gained a name, 
All who have triedit own its fame ; 
While thousands prove its great renown 
By the moustaches they have grown, 
Whiskers and beards on many a face 
Their origin to it can trace. 
It contains neither oil nor grease, 
And now, forsooth, our rhyme must cease. 
But what, you ask, is the expense 1 
'Tis sent post free for eighteenpence. 
Wright and Co., Pilosagine Manufactory, Hull. 

WHISKERS, MOUSTACHES, &c, guaranteed by 

vv PILOSAGINE. Price x*. 6d., of all Chemists (by post 
18 stamps), a liquid free from oil and grease. Before purchasing any 
preparation send address for Testimonials and Treatise (gratis). Whole- 
sale : Sanger & Son s, London ; Lofthouse & Saltmer, Hull. 

WRIGHT & CO,, Pilosagine Manufactory, Hull. 



PACE WOODCOCK'S 

WIND PILLS 



GOOD for the cure of WIND on the STOMACH. 
GOOD for the cure of INDIGESTION. 
GOOD for the cure of SICK HEADACHE. 
GOOD for the cure of HEARTBURN. 
GOOD for the cure of BILIOUSNESS. 
GOOD for the cure of LIVER COMPLAINT. 
GOOD for all COMPLAINTS arising from a disordered 
state of the STOMACH, BOWELS, or LIVER. 
Sold by all Medicine Vendors, in Boxes, at is. ij4^-» 
2s. gd. , and 4.5-. 6d. each ; or, free for 14, 33, or 54 Stamps, 
from PAGE D. WOODCOCK, "Lincoln House," St. 
Faith's, Norwich. 



JON DUAN ADVERTISEMENTS. 



xiil 




JON DUAN ADVERTISEMENTS. 



JOHN STEVEN, Bookseller, 



304, STRAND W.O., Opposite St. Mary's Church; 

AND 

28, Booksellers' Row, and 11, Hotel Buildings, Strand. 



BOOKS IN EVERY CLASS OF LITERATURE 

General, School, Classical, and Foreign. 



An immense variety, at liberal Discount Terms. 



S C REE N S . 

A LARGE COLLECTION OF COLOURED 
SCRAPS, BORDERS, &c, FOR SCREENS. Sug- 
gestions offered as to arrangement of Subjects. 

Screens made to Order, Varnished, or Repaired. 
The Cheapest House, with the greatest variety of 

Chro7nos, Engravings, & Coloured Lithographs. 

PICTURE FRAMES OF EVERY DESCRIPTION, 

At the Lowest Prices. 



JAMES W. LOCKjDealer in Works of Art,&c. 

14, Booksellers' Row, Strand, London. 



SCRAPS FOR SCREENS & SCRAP-BOOKS. 

Flowers, Figures, Fruit, Birds, and Landscapesin," great 
variety, from is. per sheet ; I doz. assorted, ios. 6d.; or in 
rolls 21 s., 42 j., 63^. 
WILLIAM BARNARD, 119, Edgware Road, London. 

WHITE WOOD ARTICLES, 

For Painting, Fern-printing, and Decalcomanie. 

Hand-Screens, Book-Covers ; Glove, Knitting, and Hand- 
kerchief Boxes \ Paper-Knives, Fans, &c. Priced List on 
Application. 
WILLIAM BARNARD, 119, Edgware Road, London. 



VALENTINES! VALENTINES!! 

The Largest Valentine Manufacturers in the World. 
THE NEW BALL-ROOM, CHRISTMAS, AND VALENTINE FANS, 

" Registered." Just Published (highly Perfumed), price 6d., per post, yd. 

The Largest Manufacturers in the World of Christmas Stationery, &c. 



LONDON LACE PAPER AND VALENTINE COMPANY. 

J. T. WOOD & CO., 278, 279, So 280, Strand. 

Manufactory, Clare Court. 



THINGS YOU OUGHT TO KNOW CLEARLY EX- 
PLAINED. Containing Things Social, Personal, Profitable, Scientific, Sta- 
tistical, Curious, and Useful. By ONE WHO KNOWS. With a copious Index 
and Diagrams. Crown 8vo, cloth, 2s. 6d. (Post free). 

TAKE MY ADVICE. A Book for Every Home, giving complete 

bi. and trustworthy Information on everything pertaining to Daily Life. Crown 
8vo, cloth, Illustrated, 360 pp. Fifteenth Thousand, vs., wrapper printed in 
colours ; or in cloth, 2s. 6d. (Post free). 

THE ADVENTURES OF MR. VERDANT GREEN, an 
Oxford Freshman. By CUTHBERT BEDE, B.A. Hundreds of Illustra- 
tions byt e Author. 110th Thousand. 3s., or 3J. 6d. in cloth (Post free). 

London: JAMES BLACKWOOD & CO., 8, Lovell's Court, Paternoster Row. 



BLACKWOOD'S DIARIES, 1875. 

BLACKWOOD'S SHILLING SCRIBBLING DIARY, Seven 

Days on each page, interleaved with Blotting Paper, is., fcap. foli'o. Size 

13 by 8j inches. 

"The best and cheapest of its kind ."— Civil Service Gazette. 
BLACKWOOD'S THREE-DAY DIARY. Three Days on each 

page. Price is. 6d. Size 13 by 8J inches. With Blotting, 2s. 
BLACKWOOD'S POCKET-BOOK AND DIARY, for Ladies 

Gentlemen, and National, is. each, in leather. Special Information. Don't 

take any substitute, if offered. 
London: JAMES BLACKWOOD & CO., 8, Lovell's Court, Paternoster; Row. 



A few Copies to be had of 

"THE COMING K " and "THE SILIAD." 



Apply to the Publishers of "Jon Duan," 15, Wine Office Court, Fleet Street. 



JON DUAN ADVERTISEMENTS. 



xv 




Reduced by Gilloty/e process. ] 



Tom Thumb.—" I smell fresh meat, I tell you," said the Giant. 



[Agent \ A. Moxon. 



JON DUAN ADVERTISEMENTS. 



ipMiw* c $k§k& mi jrtfr* |lm*ttte T 



A Choice Selection of Novelties suitable for the above 
occasions. 

Agent for Joseph Rodgers'& Sons celebrated Cutlery. 



£ N. PEARCE, (from 77, Cornhill) 

Albert Buildings, Queen Victoria St., E.G. 

(Near Mansion House Station.) 



STAT H AM "S 
PO LYXEC HN 1 1 MA U SEM EN T5 



ARE the best presents for youth. 

They combine Science with Play, Knowledge with Amusement, and afford en - 
less Pastime for Holidays and Evenings. * 

Statham's Box of Chemical Magic contains materials and direc- 
tions for performing 50 and ioo instructive Experiments, if., 2s. 6d.; by post, 
is. ■2d., 2S. gd. 

Statham's Youth's Chemical Cabinets, with Book of Experiments, 
6s., 8s„ us., and 15 s. 6d. 

Statham's Student's Chemical Cabinets, for studying Chemistry, 
Analysing, Experimenting, &c, 2ij., 3U. 6d., 42s , 63J., 84s-., 210s. 

Statham's " First Steps in Chemistry," containing 145 Experi- 
ments, 6d. ; by post, jd. 

Statham's " Panopticon " (or see everything). No. 1., 255.; No. 2. 

35-r- 



Statham's Electrical Sets, 4.2s. , 63J , 

105s. 
Electrotype Sets, 7s. 6d., 10s. 6d„ 21 s., 

42s. 
Youth's Microscopes, 10s. 6d., 21s., 42s. 
Student's Microscopes, 63J. , 105J., 210J. 



Geological Cabinets, 3J. 6d.,js. 6d., 2$s. 
Conjurer's Cabinets, -js. 6d., 15s., 21s. 
Model Steam Engines, $s. 6d., 10s. 6d., 

21s., 42s. 
Magic Lanterns , -with 12 Slides, -]S. 6d., 

zos. 6d., 21s., &-c. 

Printing Press (with type, ink &c), 6s. 6d., Ss., 12s., 14s. 6d.,x6s., 24J. 

Sendfor Illustrated Catalogue of aboiie and numberless other 

educational toys, scientific MODELS, GAMES, &c. 
W. STATHAM, \xo%, Strand, London. 



BARTHOLOMEW & FLETCHER, 



217 & 219, TOTTENHAM COURT ROAD. 

DRAWING ROOM SUITES 
DINING ROOM SUITES . 
BED ROOM SUITES 

Estimates Free. 



. From IO Guineas to £SO. 

12 „ to £80. 

8 „ to IOO. 

Every Article Guaranteed. 



GENERAL HOUSE FURNISHERS, 



HOLLOWAVS PILLS 



Sir SAMUEL, BAKER, 

In his work on the Sources of the Nile, says:— 

" I ordered my dragoman Mahomet to inform the Faky that I was 
a doctor, and that I had the best medicines at the service of the 
sick, with advice gratis. In a short time I had many applicants, 
to whom I served out a quantity of Holloway's Pills. These are 
most useful to an explorer, as, pos-sessing unmistakable purgative 
properties, they create an undeniable effect upon the patient, which 
satisfies him of their vahie." 

This fine Medicine cures all disorders of the Liver, 
Stomach, Kidneys and Bowels, is a Great PURIFIER 
of the BLOOD, and wonderfully efficacious in all 
ailments incidental to Females. In WEAKNESS and 
DEBILITY, a powerful invigorator of the system. 



HEALTHM STRENGTH ! ! ENERGY ! ! ! 

PEPPER'S QUIN INE AND IRON TONIC. 

PEPPER'S QUININE AND IRON TONIC Purifies and enriches the Blood. 

EPPER'S QUININE AND IRON TONIC Strengthens the Nerves and 
Muscular System. 

PEPPER'S QUININE AND IRON TONIC Promotes Appetite and Improves 
Digestion. 

PEPPER'S QUININE AND IRON TONIC Animates the Spirits and Mental 
Faculties. 



PEPPERS QUININE AND IRON TONIC, in Scrofula, Wasting Diseases, 
Neuralgia, Sciatica, Indigestion, Flatulence, Weakness of the Chest and 

Respiratory Organs, Ague, Fevers of all kinds. 

PEPPER'S^UININE^NDllRON TONIC, for Delicate Females and weakly, 
ailing Children. 



PEPPER'S QUININE AND IRON Tt>NIC thoroughly Recruits the General 
Bodily Health. 
Is sold by Chemists everywhere, in capsuled bottles, 4s. 6d. and n*., and in'stone 
jars, 22s. each. For protection be sure the Name, Address, and Trade Mark of 
JOHN PEPPER, 287, Tottenham Court Road, London, is on the Label. Any 
Chemist will procure it to order, but do not be prevailed on to try any other com- 
pound. 

LOCKYER'S SULPHUR HAIR RESTORER will completely restore, in a 
few days, grey hair to its original colour, without injury. The Hair Restorer 
is the best ever offered for sale ; thoroughly cleanses the head from scurf, and 
causes the growth of Dew hair. It is sold everywhere by Chemists and Hair- 
Dressers, in Targe bottles, at is. 6d. each. 



Important Notice to ail who wish to preserve "Jon Duan." 

A HANDSOME COVER FOR BINDING THIS ANNUAL, 

Specially designed, in cloth and gold, is now ready, price is., postage free, and may be had through 
any Bookseller, or of the Publisher, Weldon & Co., 15, Wine O ffice Court, Fleet Street, E.C. 

ANTIQUE POINT AND HONITON LACE. 

BY MRS. TREADWIN. 

" Contains full and clear directions on Lace Making, Lace Joining, and Lace Cleaning." 

PRICE lOs. 6d. 



MRS. TREADWIN, 5, Cathedral Yard, Exeter. 



JON DUAN ADVERTISEMENTS, 



xvn 




Reduced by Gillctyfe poAcess.} f( 

The Golden Ass.—" The joy of finding herself so beautiful gave her the^wish to bathe. 



\_Agent t A. Moxotuf~~ 



XV1I1 



JON DUAN ADVERTISEMENTS. 



A BEAUTIFUL SET OF TEETH 



JOHN GOSNELL& CO.'S 



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JOHN GOSNELL & Co, 93, Upper Thames St., London. 



THE 



MAGNETSCON, 

PATENTED. 

WETTON'S Patent Magnetic Belts, Lung Invigorators, Chest Protectors, Throat Pro- 
tectors, Spine Bands, Anklets, Wristlets, Knee Caps, Friction Gloves, &c. &c, for 
Liver, Kidney, Spinal, and Chest Complaints, and all forms of Nervous and Rheumatic 
Afflictions. 

The Appliances, which are made up of light comfortable materials, such as flannel, silk, merino, and velvet, are powerfully 
Magnetic, and supply gentle and continuous currents of ELECTRICITY, without the aid of batteries, chains, or acids.' They are 
worn over the under-clothing, require no preparation, give no shocks, and generate no sores. Little or no sensation is experienced, 
unless it be the glow of returning health ; and experience has proved that the Appliances may be worn with much benefit and perfect 
safety by infants or the most delicate invalids. Prices, 35. to 50J. 

Those whose names are appended have kindly consented to allow the same to be published, as a guarantee of the genuineness 
of "THE MAGNETICON." Their reasons for testifying to the great curative properties of "THE MAGNETICON " are 
derived either from their own experience or from their knowledge of the benefits which others have received. 



Henry Hopkins, Esq., Ph.D.; M.A., F.C.P., formerly Principal of 
Sumner Hill School, Birmingham, and Author of several Educationa 
Works, 14, Belvedere, Bath, 

The Rev. R. Williamson, The Manse, Waltham Abbey. 

Mr. C. S. M. Lockha-rt, M.B.A.A., Author of the "Centenary Me- 
morial of Sir Walter Scott." 

The Rev. J. B. Talbot, Secretary and Founder of "The Princess 
Louise Home," Woodhouse, Wanstead. 

Arthur S. Medwin, Esq., 28, George Street, Euston Square, London. 

Mrs. Ginevkr, Kingsdown Orphan Home, 12, Kingsdown Road, Upper 
Holloway, London. 
For additional names see Pamphlet. 

WETTON & CO., 9, Upper Baker Street, Portman Square, London. 

A 48-page Illustrated Pamphlet, containing numerous Testimonials, a Lecture on Magnetism and Health by Professor HAGARTY, 
and full particulars of " THE MAGNETICON," may be had on application, or will be forwarded post free. 

A copy of "The Magnetic Review : a Record of Curative Electric Science and Journal of Health, " published by Wetton 
and Co., 9, Upper Baker Street, will also be forwarded post free. 



The Dowager Lady Palmer, Dorney House, Windsor. 

The Rev. R. A. Knox, M.A., Rector of Shobrooke, Devon. 

C. R. Woodford, Esq., M.D., Marlborough House, Ventnor. 

Charles Lowder, Esq., M.D., Lansdovvne House, Ryde. 

The Rev. A. Morton Brown, LL.D., Minister of the Congregational 

Church, Cheltenham. 
Thos. J. Cottle, Esq., M.R.C.S.,L.S.A., Pulteney Villa, Cheltenham. 
E. P. Bulkeley, Esq., Strathdurn, Cheltenham. 
I. S. Aplin, Merchant, Yeovil. 

Lieut. -Col. C. W. Hodson, 25, Priory Street, Cheltenham. 
The Rev. J. Wilkinson, Stanwell House, Ventnor. 



JON DUAN ADVERTISEMENTS. 




Reduced by GUiotypeproccss.~i ToM Thumb.— " When the children found themselves alone they began to cry bitterly." VMent. A, Moxon. 



JON DUAN ADVERTISEMENTS. 




ANGLO-A MERICAN STOVES. 

MURDOCH &*CO., 

18, Laurence Pountney Hill, Cannon St., 

Late of 115, Cannon Street, 

LONDON, E.C. 

Works : Larbert, N.B. 



Size of Oven in Inches. 
No. 6. 12 wide. 12 deep. 12 high. 

» 7- 14 ., 14 i, 14 » 

„ 8. 16 „ 16 „ 14 „ 



THE LIVINGSTONE RANGE. 

(Stove and Name Registered). 
CAN BE PLACED IN A FIRE-PLACE. 
CAN BE PLACED IN FRONT OF A FIRE-PLACE. 
CAN BE PLACED AWAY FROM A FIRE-PLACE. 
No. 6 will stand in a 2 ft. 10 in. opening. 
» 7 „ 3 „ 2 „ „ 

i. 8 „ 3,, 6„ 

Height of Range, 2 ft. 
The "LIVINGSTONE RANGE" has been constructed to meet 
a want widely felt. It embraces all the best points of English Open 
Ranges and Fire-Places, without their faults. A Large Hot 
Plate is available for general cookery, and an Oven so constructed that 
it will bake bread or pastry^ and also roast meat as sweetly and 

THOROUGHLY AS IF DONE IN FRONT OF A FIRE. A good frontage, 

however, is secured to the fire itself. It can be closed in by a do»r, 
which, when let down, forms a shelf or stand, and then fowls, small joints 
of meat, steaks, fish, &c, can be roasted or broiled. 
The HOT-WATER SUPPLY has been well considered and provided for in constructing this stove, "boilers being usually a s-ource of 
great discomfort, expense, and danger in English Homes." The Water Cistern is made of copper, tinned inside, or else of malleable iron, gal- 
vanized ; and as it stands above, as well as below, the level of the hot plate, it affords proportionately a larger quantity of hot water than 
any other stove, range, or kitchener in use. The water is heated by a very safe and simple plan, which is patented, and only to be had with 
these stoves. The cistern can be easily taken out and replaced, made self-supplying, and the water can be used for culinary purposes, never 
being "rusty." 

No BRICKWORK SETTING is required or these Stoves, and they are equally good in action, whether placed in or away from a fire- 
place. A smoky chimney is perfectly overcome by their use. 

The CONSUMPTION OF COAL is wonderfully small, from the excellence of the construction of the "Livingstone," and the judicious 
arrangements of fire-place and flues. Means are used to prevent the escape of heat from the stove, and thus the full value is taken o ut of the pro- 
ducts of combustion. We make the deliberate statement that the Economy in Fuel is such that, if used daily, the whole cost of t he Stove can 
be saved in twelve months at the normal price of Coal in London, or in nine months at the 1873-4 prices. Wood an d Peat are ex- 
rellent for heating these stoves, and for most kinds of cooking, Coke may be solely used. Dust is avoided, as the ashes fall into a secured pan. , 
Fire-bricks, with which each Stove is provided, can be easily renewed when needed. The same remark applies to any part of the stove 
which from use or accident may need replacing. 

For further particulars of this and other Cooking and Heating Stoves, a^mj MURDOCH & CO., as above. 

N E W T O N'S 

QUININE, RHUBARB, & DANDELION PILLS, 

(Prepared from the Recipe of an Eminent Physician), 

A Simple but Effectual Remedy for Indigestion, Stomach, 

and Liver Complaints. 

The properties of Quinine and Rhubarb in stomachic affections are too well known to require any comment, and the 
medicinal virtues of Dandelion have long been held in high estimation by the faculty for all disorders of the Liver. By a 
peculiar process of extraction and condensation, the active properties of these valuable Medicines have been carefully com- 
bined in the form of Pills, in which will be found a certain remedy for Indigestion, all Stomach Complaints, Sluggish Liver, 
Constipation of the Bowels, Headache, Giddiness, Loss of Appetite, Pains in the Chest, Fullness after Eating, Depression 
of Spirits, Disturbed Sleep, and as a Renovator to the Nervous System invaluable. These purifying Vegetable Pills may 
be taken by persons of all ages, in all conditions, and by both sexes. Their action, though gentle, is effectual in removing 
all impurities from the blood and system, gradually compelling the bowels and various functions of the body to act in a 
regular and spontaneous manner ; and as a general Family Aperient they are much preferred to any other medicine. 

Sold in Boxes, with Directions, at is. \%d. and 2s. gd.; or sent, Post Free, for 15 and 30 Stamps. 

Every Sufferer is earnestly invited to try their wonderful efficacy. 



Barclay & Sons are the London Agents, and all Chemists. 



prepared solely by 



J. W. NEWTON, M.P.S., Family ChemistSalisbury. 



Ask your Chemist to obtain the above, if not in stock. 



JON DUAN ADVERTISEMENTS. 



xx\ 




XX11 



JON DC/AN ADVERTISEMENTS. 



^GENERAL FURNISHING COY 






<&£? 9. S o utria-nvp £o-?v S.? Stxanrvd, 



PATENT 



OZOKERIT 



CANDLES, 



CHOICE ROSE TREES. 



HTHE Amateur's GUINEA BUNDLE of ROSE TREES 

-*• contains 25 of the choicest-named kinds in cultivation, all extra 
large plants, especially selected for villa gardens. Carriage and packing 
free on receipt of P.O.O. for^i is.; or twelve choice kinds as sample 
for ios. 6d. Full particulars of other cheap collections post free. 

GEORGE COOLING, The Nurseries, Bath. 

The above make very sititable Christmas Gifts. 



All Sizes, Sold Everywhere. 
Ask for the 

"LYCHNOPHYLAX," 

Or Candle Guard (Patented). 



Sold Everywhere. J. C, & J. FIELD, London. 







Inventions to delight the taste. 
ti 



-Shakspere. 



THE EASTERN" CONDIMENT. 

" The greatest aid to Digestion known to man." 

This delicious Condiment should be eaten with all Meals. 

Is. and Is. 6d. per Jar. 

THE " EASTERN " SAUCTOR RELISH, 




THE "EASTERN" 
THE "EASTERN" 
THE "EASTERN' 
THE "EASTERN 5 



s>" 



MUSTARD. 






Prepared in conjunction with the celebrated Condiment, 
is pronounced unequalled for flavour, richness, and price. 
6d., is., and is. 6d. per bottle. 

Ready Mixed. Most Economical. " \ f" These preparations are all most care- 

BAKING POWDER. No Penny Packet in the World can touch it. E I fully compounded, are highly recom- 

CUSTARD POWDER. A Penny Packet equal to two eggs and a half. f mended, and much approved by all 

CURRY POWDER. The Great Baboo's original, improved. t ) classes. 

To be had. of all Family Grocers. 

JONES, PALMER, & CO., "Eastern" Works, Tabernacle Walk, Finsbury. 






FACTORS. 

^TURKISH PASTILS 

ff " Through all Eiy travels fo w thin ss as- \ 

tonished me more than seeing the Beauties % 

of the Harem smoking the Stamboal. After f 

smoking, a sweet aromatic Pastil is used, f 

, -which imparts an odour of flowers to the I- 

breath. I have never seen these Pastils but fc < 

I once in Europe ; it was at Piesse & Lubin 's t 

Shop."— Lady W. Montague. 

Ladies who admire a" Breath of Flowers" 

shoukltake a Pastil night and moroi'ug- 

TO BE OBTAINED OF ALL 

>. Perfumers and j.O v 



^y a^ from ' %?>' 

■'/) <^ every flower that ^ *^f x 
^> breathes a fragrance. *^ 

(SWEET SCENTS 

I LIGN-ALOE. OPCPONAX. 

[ LOVE-AMONG-THE-ROSES. 

FRANGIPANNI 



A T.I-'L-SAND OTHERS. 



^ond 8t.» 



.*> .„ v. 

& 2s. Gd. each ; or three tp 
' % in a ease,- s. yfi> 



%;, Sound an cL 
t^.BHght.yi 




ftlfaBro 




IBREW&RS.I StOCkWell-^ 



WRITING, BOOKKEEPING, &c— Persons of 
any age, however bad their Writing, may in Eight Easy 
Lessens acquire permanently an elegant and flowing style of 
Penmanship, adapted either to Professional pursuits or Private 
Correspondence ; Bookkeeping by Double Entry, as practised in 
the Government, Banking, and Mercantile Offices ; Arithmetic, 
Shorthand, &c. Apply to Mr. W. Smart, at his sole Institution, 
97B, Quadrant, Regent Street. 

Agent to the West of England Fire and Life 
Insurance Company. 

TMPORTANT TO LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.— 

X C. A. can confidently recommend, as a most strictly honest person, and one 

whom she and her friends have dealt with for many years, Mrs. 

COCKREM, 1, Queen Street, Barnstaple, North Devon, who gives the 

greatest value for all sorts of Ladies'. Gentlemen's, and Children's 

Cast LEFT-OFF WEARING APPAREL of every description. Officers' 

Uniforms, Misfits, Jewellery, Court Suits, Furs, Outfits, Old Lace, 

_«• Underclothing, Boots, Household Linen, and every description of 

uu miscellaneous property, in however large or small quantities, or in good 

PI +1i £» or inferior condition, purchased for Cash at the utmost value. The 

OlOtneS. strictest honour is observed in remitting, per return, the full value, by 

cheque or P.O.O. , for all parcels. The expense o: Carriage borne by 

Mrs. C. 



Steven's Model Cutters, Schooners, 

Brigs, Screw and Paddle Boatss, propelled by Steam or 
Clock-work. 

Steven's Model Fittings for Ships and 

Boats. Blocks, Deadeyes, "Wheels, Skylights, Com- 
panions, Flags, &c. 

Steven's Model Steam Engines, Loco- 
motive, Marine, Vertical and Horizontal; Circular 
Saw and Bench. 

Steven's Model Parts of Engines, 

Cylinders, Pumps, Steam and. Water Gauges, Safety- 
Valves, Eccentrics, Taps, <Scc. 

STEVEN'SM0DELD00KYAmr22,AIdgate f London. 

Catalogues, S Stamps. 
Chemical Chests, Magic-Lanterns, Floor Skates, Balloons, &c. 



JON DUAN ADVERTISEMENTS. 



xxiii 




Reduced by allotype process.'] 



The Golden Ass.— The King went to consult an old Druid. 



\_Agent t A. Moxon, 



JON DUAN ADVERTISEMENTS. 



" FIRES INSTANTLY LIGHTED : " GREAT SAVING of TIME to SERVANTS. 

By STEVENSON'S 

PATENT FIREWOOD, 

Entirely superseding Bundle Wood, requiring no paper, adapted for 

any grate, and not affected by Damp. 

SOLD BY ALL OILMEN AND GROCERS. 

Extensively Patronised in the House of Peers, University of Cambridge, 
among' the Nobility, Gentry, Priiicipal Hotels, Club Houses, &c. 

Directions. — Place small coal and cinders in grate, then the Patent Fire- 
wood, wheel or square (dipped side down), cover over with coal, and light 
the centre with a match. 




500, in Town and Suburbs, 
12s. 6d. 



M. STEVENSON & CO., Sole Patentees and Manufacturers, 
18, Wharf Road, City Road. 




500, packed for the Country, 
12s. 6d., on receipt of PO.O. 
recommended for Rail Transit. 



OETZMANN&CO., 

67, 69, 71, & 73, Hampstead Road, 

Near. Tottenham Court Road, London. 

CARPETS, FURNITURE, 

BEDDING, DRAPERY, 

FURNISHING IRONMONGERY, 

CHINA, GLASS, &c, &c. 

A Descriptive Catalogue {the best Furnishing Guide 
extant), post free on application. 

VOSE'S PATENT HYDROPULT, 

A PORTABLE FIRE ANNIHILATOR. 

The best article ever invented for Watering Gardens, &c. ; 
weighs but 81bs., and will throw water 50 feet. 

LOYSEL'S PATENT HYDROSTATIC 

TEA & COFFEE PERCOLATORS. 

These Urns are elegant in form, are the most efficient ones 
yet introduced, and effect a saving of 50 per cent. The 
Times newspaper remarks : — " M. Loysel's hydrostatic 
machine for making tea or coffee is justly considered as one 
of the most complete inventions of its kind." 
Sold by all respectable Ironmongers. More than 200,000 now i use. 

Manufacturers: GRIFFITHS & BEOWETT, Birmingham. 
12, Moorgate Street, London ; and 25, Boulevard Magenta, Paris. 



HEDGES AND BUTLER 

Invite attention to the following WINES and SPIRITS :— 

Good Sherry, Pale or Gold 20s. 24s. 30J. 36s. 42s. per doz. 

Very choice Sherry 48s. 54J. 60s. 72s. per doz. 

Port, of various ages 24$. 30J. 36s. 42s. 48s. per doz. 

Good Claret 14s. 18s. 20s. 24s. per doz. 

Choice Dessert Clarets 30s. 36s. 42s. 48s. 60s. per doz. 

Sparkling Champagne 36^. 42J. 48J. 60s. 78s. per doz. 

Hock and Moselle 24s. 30s. 36s. 42s. 48s. 60s. per doz. 

Old Pale Brandy 

Fine Old Irish and Scotch Whisky 
Wines i?i Wood. Gallon. 

Pale Sherry os. 6d. 

Good Sherry 1 1 s. 6d. 

Choice Sherry ijs. 6d. 

Old Sherry 23s. 6d. 

Good Port 14s. 6d. 

Old Port 20s. 6d. 

Old Pale Brandy 21$. 24^. 30s. 36s. per imperial gallon. 

Price Lists of all other Wines, dfc, on application to 

HEDGES & BUTLER, 155, Regent Street, London, 
SO and 74, King's Road, Brighton. 



44s. 48s. 60s. 72s. 84s. per doz. 
42s. 48s. per doz. 
Octave. Qtr. Cask. Hhd. 
£12 o o 
15 10 o 

22 IO O 

29 o o 



£6 
8 o 
11 10 

14 i5 
10 5 
13 15 



£23 
30 10 
44 10 

57 o 
39 o 
S3 o 



RIMMEL'S PERFUMED ALMA- 

NAC for 1875 (the Hours), beautifully Illu- 
minated, 6d., by post for 7 stamps. 

RIMMEL'S NEW COMIC ALMANAC 
(Signs of the Zodiac), is., by post for 13 stamps. 

RIMMEL'S CHRISTMAS ^BOUQUET, 
changing into a Fan, is. 6d., by post 19 stamps. 

RIMMEL'S FANCY ARTICLES for Christ- 
mas Presents and New Year's Gifts in endless 
variety. List on Application. 

RIMMEL, Perfumer, 96, Strand ; 128, Regent 
Street ; and 24, Cornhill, London. 

SWISS FAIRY ORGANS, 2s., 3s., and 5* each. 
Patented in Europe and America. Four Gold Medals 
awarded for excellence. Each Instrument is constructed to play 
a variety of modern airs, sacred, operatic, dance, and song, 
perfect in tone and of marvellous power. Carriage free for 
Stamps, or P. O. O. at above prices. Numerous copies of fully 
directed Testimonials post free. Address JACQUES, BAUM, & Co., 
Kingston Works, Sparkbrook, Birmingham. 





DUNN & HEWETT'S 

"LICHEN ISLANDICUS, OR 

ICELAND MOSS COCOA," 

(registered), 

In i-lb., lib., and 1-lb. Packets, at Is. 4d. per lb. In Tin Canisters at Is. 6d. lb. 

Strongly recommended by the Faculty in all cases of Debility, Indigestion, Consumption and all Pulmonary 

and Chest Diseases. 



TRADE MARK. 



"I have carefully examined, both Microscopically and Chemically, the preparation of ICELAND MOSS and COCOA, 
made by Messrs. DUNN & HEWITT. I find it to be carefully manufactured with ingredients of the first quality. 

" The combination of ICELAND MOSS and COCOA forms a valuable article of diet, suited equally for the Robust and 
for Invalids, especially those whose digestion is impaired. It is very nutritious, of easy digestibility, and it possesses, moreover, tonic properties. 

(Signed) "ARTHUR HILL HASSALL, M.D.," 

Analyst of tlu> Lancet Sanitary Commission; Author of the Report of the Lancet Commission; of 

" Food and its Adulterations ; " "Adulterations Detected; " and other Works. 

PENTONVILLE, LONDON. 



JON DUAN ADVERTISEMENTS. 



XXV 




Reduced by Gillotyfc process.} 

The Fairies. — " One day, when she was at the ountain, an old woman asked for water.' 



[Agent, A. Moxon. 



XXVI 



JON DUAN ADVERTISEMENTS. 




METZ&CO., H LONDON, 



Our HURRICANE LAN- 
TERNS are absolutely wind- 
proof and safe ; simple in con- 
struction, and give a splendid 
white and steady light. They 
are the most serviceable Lan- 
terns foruse in Stables, Farms, 
Gardens, Boats, Cellars, &c. 



15 to 21, Carter Lane, 

Inventors, Manufacturers, and 



PARAGON 



HURRICANE LANTERNS, 

BTJRNING KEEOSENE 

Over 5000 Patterns of 

TABLE LAMPS, HALL LAMPS, 

Chandeliers, Brackets, 
Billiard Lamps, Street Lamps, 

LIBRARY LAMPS, 

Church Lamps, Ship Lamps, 

LANTERNS, STOVES, &0. 

Fitted with 



PARAGON 



Which give a magnificent white 
Candies, at the cost of l-4th, 




and I, Sermon Lane, 

Exporters of the celebrated 

LAMPS, 

COOKING & HEATING STOVES, 

Olt, PARAFFIN. 

UNRIVALLED FOR 

SIMPLICITY, SAFETY, 

Economy, Durability, 

BRILLIANCY, 

AND ABSOLUTE FREEDOM 

FROM SMOKE, 

SMELL, and DANGER. 

Our Famous 

BURNERS, 

and steady Light, equal to 25, 20, 14, and II 
-5th, l-6th, and l-7th of a Penny per Hour. 




Our CLIMAX COOKING 
and HEATING STOVES, in 
six sizes, will be found ex- 
tremely useful in every house- 
hold, being always ready for 
use, and saving time and 
money, coals, trouble of light- 
ing fire, dust, and refuse. 



BLACK SILK COSTUMES, 

Parisian Models. 

Owing to the Reduced Price of manufactured French Silk, Messrs. Jay are happy to announce they 
sell good and Fashionable Black Silk Costumes at £6 16s. 6d. each. 



JAYS', 

THE LONDON GENERAL MOURNING WAREHOUSE, 

243, 245, 247, 249, 251, Regent Street, VV. 



EDWARD WHITE, 

(FROM DENT'S,) 

Manufacturer of Chronometers, Watches and Clocks, Gold Chains, Lockets, &c, 

Of best quality only and moderate price. 
PRIZE MEDALLIST AT LONDON, DUBLIN, AND PARIS EXHIBITIONS, 

For "Excellence of Workmanship, Taste, and Skill." 

20, COCKSPUR STREET, LONDON, S.W. 

Sold by All Drapers. 




Ask for "THE VERY BUTTON."— Shakespeare. 

GREEN & CADBURY'S 

PATENT 

2-HOLE LINEN BUTTONS. 

And see that you get them, as inferior kinds are often substituted for the sake of extra profits. 
" ' The Very Button ' is a capital button for use and wear." — The Young Englishwoman. ' 



CHUBB'S 

PATENT FIRE AND THIEF RESISTING 
SAFES, PATENT DETECTOR LOCKS AND 
LATCHES. Illustrated Price Lists Post Free. 



CHUBB & SON, 

57, ST. PAUL'S CHURCHYARD, E.C., and 

63, ST. JAMES'S STREET, S.W. 

Manchester, Liverpool, and Wolverhampton. 



EHPI WTOI HWZX, HEBF BLEI ORZPT YGZB. 

FIVE POUNDS REWARD to anyone able to decipher 
the above, written by HIGHT'S REVOLVING CIPHER DISC 
Very useful for Telegrams, Postal Cards, and Love-letter, or any private 
writing. Quickly and easily written. The only absolutely undiscover- 
able system of Cryptography. To be had, with full Instructions, of all 
Stationers, or of the Publishers, 

WAL-MESLEY & CO., 384, City Road, E.O. 
Post free for 14 Stamps, 



JON DUAN ADVER1 j SEME NTS. 



XXVll 




Reduced by allotype process.] 



Blue Beard.—" Iffyou dare to open it, nothing will be too terrible for my anger." 



[Agent, A. Moxon. 



XXV111 



JON DUAN ADVERTISEMENTS. 



DR. ROBERTS' 

POOR MAN'S FRIEND! 

Is confidently recommended to the Public as an unfailing remedy 
for Wounds of every description, Burns, Scalds, Chilblains, Scorbutic 
Eruptions, Sore and Inflamed Eyes, &c. 

Sold in Pots, is. i\d., 2s. gd., its., and 22s. each. 



DR. ROBERTS' 

PILULiE ANTISCROPHUL^ 

Or Alterative Pills, 
For Scrofula, Leprosy, and all Skin Diseases. 

Proved by Sixty Years' experience to be one of the best Alterative 
Medicines ever offered to the Public. They may be taken at all times, 
without confinement or change of diet. Sold in Boxes, is. i%d., 2s. gd., 
4s. 6d., us., and 22s. each. 

Sold by the Proprietors, BEACH & BAENICOTT, Bridport. 

And by all respectable Medicine Vendors. 




AS professionally certified, have saved the lives of many when 
all other nourishment has failed. In cases of Cholera Infantum, Dysentery, 
Chronic Diarrhoea, Dyspepsia, Prostration of the System, and General Debility, Dr. 
RIDGE'S DIGESTIVE BISCUITS will be found particularly beneficial in co-opera- 
tion with medical treatment, as a perfectly safe, nourishing-, and strengthening- diet. 
In Canisters, is. each, by post 4<2. extra.— Dr. RIDGE & CO., Kingsland, London, 
and of Chemists and Grocers. 

IMPORTANT DISCOVERY. 




CANDELL'S HAIR RESTORER, 

*-~^ the certain Cure for Dandriff and Baldness, 
and the only reliable and harmless preparation 
for restoring grey hair to its original colour. 
Sold by all Chemists, in bottles, 2s. and 3J. 6d. 
Do not be persuaded to have any other kind. 
3s. 6d. Bottles sent carriage free. 



S.O.SABTDELL.Sole Manufacturer, Yeovil. 



THE COMING GREAT TRIAL 

By the Public in 1875. 

YOU shall well and truly try— 
MANN'S APPROVED MED'CINE buy, 

That your ills may quickly go ! 

Take, and health will shortly flow; 

Colds and Hooping-coughs will flee. 

Read the bills and you will see 

Nothing with it can compare. 

"Nice!" the children all declare. 

Young and old its glories tell ; 

Both did take, and now are well. 

True the evidence that stands 

On the bills throughout all lands, 

This, the public verdict, give — 

" Take, oh sickly one, and live !" 
Sixteen affidavits before the Sussex Magistrates prove MANN'S 
APPROVED MEDICINE to be the GREAT RESTORATIVE TO 
HEALTH for Coughs, Colds, Asthma, Influenza, Convulsive Fits, and 
Consumptions. Sold by all Chemists, who will obtain it for you if not 
in stock, at is. i%d., 2s. 6d., and 4s. 6d. per bottle. Be not persuaded 
to take any other remedy. 

Proprietor, THOMAS MANN, Horsham, Sussex. 

pOUT, RHEUMATISM, LUMBAGO, &c. 

TNSTANT RELIEF AND RAPID CURE. 

pADE'S GOUT AND RHEUMATIC PILLS, 
-*— ' the safest and most effectual cure for Gout, Rheumatism, 
Rheumatic Gout, Lumbago, Sciatica, Pains in the Head, 
Face, and Limbs. They require neither confinement nor 
alteration of diet, and in no case can their effects be injurious. 



Prepared only by GEORGE EADE, 72, Goswell 
Road, London, and Sold by all Chemists, in Bottles at 
is. i)4d., or Three in One, 2s. gd. 



Ask for E tide's Celebrated Gout and Rheumatic Pills. 



DR. HAYWARD'S NEW DI8G0VERYJHE TREATMENT & MODE OF CURE. 

HOW TO USE SUCCESSFULLY, WITH SAFETY AND CERTAINTY, 

In all cases of Weakness, Low Spirits, Indigestion, Rheumatism, Loss of Nerve Pozuer, Functional Ailments, Despondency, 
Langour, Exhaustion, Muscular Debility, arising from various excesses, Loss of Strength, Appetite, dr'c, &>c. 

WITHOUT MEDICINE. 



THE NEW MODE re-animates and revives the failing functions of Life, and thus imparts Energy 

and fresh Vitality to the Exhausted and Debilitated Constitution, and may fairly be termed the Fountain OF Health 

THE LOCAL AND NERVINE TREATMENT imparts tone and vigour to the Nervous 

System, and possesses highly re-animating properties ; its influence on the secretions and functions is speedily manifested; and 
in all cases of Debility, Nervousness, Depression, Palpitation of the Heaxt, Trembling in the Limbs, Pains in the Back, &c, 
resulting from over-taxed energies of body or mind, &c. 

Full Printed Lnstructions, with Pamphlets and Diagrams, for Lnvalids, post-free, Six stamps, 
(From Sole Inventor and Patentee,) 

DR. HAYWAED, M.R.O.S., L.S.A., 14, York Street, Portman Square, London, W. 

N.B. For Qualifications, vide " Medical Register." 



£60,000 



REWARD.— The above sum 
having during the last twelve years been 
received on the sale of LATREILLE'S 
invention for the production of WHISKERS and MOUSTA- 
CHIOS and curing BALDNESS, it may fairly be called the 
reward of merit, as the article is universally acknowledged to be 
the only producer of hair. Full particulars, with Testimonials 
and Opinions of the Press, sent free to any person addressing 
John Latreille, Walworth. 



DRCAPLIN'S ELE TRO-CHEMICAL BATHS, 



For the Cure of Paralysis, Rheumatism, Gout, Nervous 
Affections, aiid many kinds of Chronic Diseases. 

Prospectuses and Testimonials free by post, on application to 
the Secretary, The Electro-Chemical Bath Institution, 
17, Baker Street, London, W. 



NEW WORKS BY DR. SMITH. 

Just Published, 104 pages, Free by Post Two Stamps. 

GUIDE TO HEALTH ; or, Prescriptions and 
Instructions for the Cure of Nervous Exhaustion. By 
Henry Smith, M.D. (Jena), Author of the " Volunteers' 
Manual." This work gives Instructions for Strengthening the 
Human Body. How to Regain Health and Secure Long Life. 
Prescriptions for the Cure of Debilitating Diseases, Indigestion, 
Mental Depression, Prostration, Timidity, &c, resulting from 
Loss of Nerve Power. Testimonials, Treatment, &c. 

" In this Work the Doctor gives ' Advice as to the Choice of a Phy- 
sician ;' ' What to Eat, Drink, and Avoid ;' ' Health : how to Procure it, 
and other subjects of interest to man as well as woman." — Sunday 
Times, May 4, 1873. 

Also by the same Author, 
Third Thousand. Post free in an envelope, 13 stamps, 

WOMAN : Her Duties, Relations, and Position. 
N.B. A Special Edition, beautifully Illustrated by 
Engravings on Wood. Cloth gilt, One Shilling. 
Address, Dr. H. Smith, 8, Burton Crescent, London, W.C. 



JON DUAN ADVERTISEMENTS. 



XXIX 




XXX 



JON DVAN ADVERTISEMENT S. 



WEDDING PRESENTS. 



TRAVELLING 
BAGS. 



WRITING-CASES. 




CHRISTMAS PRESENTS. 



NEW YEAR'S PRESENTS. 



ASSER & SHERWIN, 80 and 81, Strand, W.C.; and 69, Oxford Street, W., London. 



Observe the 
Address. 



R3. SAMUEL JAY, 

LADIES' OUTFITTER, 
} 259, Regent Circus, Oxford Street, 259, 

SPECIALITY FOR THE WINTER MONTHS. 



THE ARAGON MORNING ROBE, 

In French Cashmere, Richly Ornamented in Soutache-Broderie. 
COMPLETE SUITS OF WASHED AND GOT-UP UNDER-CLOTHING READY FOR IMMEDIATE USE. 

Girinea Flannel Dressing Gowns, Dressing Jackets, Bodices, Fichus, and Embroidered Flannel Petticoats. 

Infants' Layettes.— Marriage Trousseaux.— Good Materials.— Tasteful Trimmings.— Dainty Stitches. 

MRS. SAMUEL JAY. 



ABYSSINIAN GOLD JEWELLERY' 

IS THE ONLY IMITA- 
TION which cannot he detected 
from "Real Gold Jewellery" 
possessing qualities so long 
needed and desired in Imitation 
Gold Jewellery, viz. : — supe- 
riority of finish, elegance of 
design, solidity, and durability. 



Sole Manufacturers, 
L. & A. PYKE, 32, Ely Place, Holborn. 
Retail Depots : 153, Cheapside, 
153A, Cheapside ; 68, Fleet Street, 
E.'€. ; and at the Royal Polytechnic, 
Regent Street, W. 



LIONEL & ALFRED PYKE'S. 



•REGISTERED 



JHE OflLY 
EQUAL IN 

JO 18 Carat 
JEWELLERY. 



MEDi 




IjWTATrOf! 



PPEARANCE 



(JOLD 



PRIZE 



I87C 



TRADE -MARK, 



'ABYSSINIAN COLD JEWELLERY' 

Is now worn by Ladies to avoid 
the risk of losing their " Real 
Gold Jewellery" the Imitation 
being so perfect, detection need 
not be feared. It received a Prize 
Medal for its superiority over 
all other Imitation Jewellery. 
Catalogues, with Press Opinions, 
forwarded post-free on applica- 
tion. 

Sole Manufacturers. 
L. & A. PYKE, 32, Ely Place, Holborn. 
Retail Depots : 153, Cheapside, 
153A, Cheapside ; 68, Fleet Street, 
E. C. ; and at the Royal Polytechnic, 
Regent Street, W. 



KEATING'S COUGH LOZENGES. 

Medical Testimony states that, unquestionably no remedy exists which is so certain in its effects. 

ASTHMA, 

WINTER COUGH, 

DIFFICULTY OF BREATHING, 

alike yield to its influence. One Lozenge alone gives the sufferer relief. Many remedies are sold that contain Morphia, 

Opium, or violent drugs, but KEATING'S COUGH LOZENGES are composed only of the purest simple drugs, and the 

most delicate in health may use them with perfect confidence. KEATING'S COUGH LOZENGES are prepared by Thomas Keating, St. 

Paul's Churchyard, and sold by all Chemists, in Boxes, is. i\d. and 2s. gd. each. 




TRADE MARK 



KEATING'S CHILDREN'S WORM TABLETS. 

A PURELY VEGETABLE SWEETMEAT, both in apcearance and taste, furnishing a most agreeable method of administering the only 
certain remedy for INTESTINAL or THREAD WORMS, itis a perfectly safe and mild preparation, and is especially adapted for Children. 
Sold by all Druggists, in Tins, is. i\d. and 2s, gd. eacn. Put up in small boxes "specially for post, which will be forwarded on receipt of 

15 stamps. 

THOMAS KEATING, St. Paul's Churchyard, London. 



JON DUAN ADVERTISEMENTS. 




SgaSBanfMS^ ^Miiri^ V '^. : ^::L "-:-=;y :' ! ^^> j ^:^ ^v^'^'^ : ia:-: : ;-^: :-^ --' ^ c " : "^^^: -^ :^ l ^V _ Ji-M^Il^^S 



JON DUAN ADVERTISEMENTS. 







DO NOT L ET YOUR C HILD DIB. 

FENNING'S CHILDREN'S POWDERS PREVENT CONVULSIONS, 

Are Cooling and Soothing. 






£<j FENNINGS' CHILDREN'S POWDERS^ 



W *"" For Children Cutting their Teeth, to prevent Convulsions. 

W Sold in Stamped Boxes at is. i^d. and 2s. gd. (great saving), with full Directions. Sent post free for 15 stamps. 

H Direct to Alfred Fennings, West Cowes, I. W. 

Read FENNINGS' EVERY MOTHER'S BOOK, sent post free for 8 stamps. 





REMEMBER LAMPLOUGH'S 

PYRETIC SALINE 

AND HAVE IT IN YOUR HOUSES. 

It is most invigorating, vitalising, and refreshing. Gives instant relief in Headaches, Sea or Bilious Sickness, and quickly cures the worst form of 
Eruptive or Skin Complaints. The various diseases arising from Climatic Causes, Constipation, the Liver, or Blood Impurities, Inoculation, the 
Results of Breathing Air Infected with Fever, Measles, or SMALLPOX, are frequently prevented, and these diseases cured by its use. Any 
person who has already Smallpox should take it, and be kept in a cool and darkened room to prevent its leaving any trace on the features. 

The numerous statements and letters relating to its marvellous effect, as a positive cure in TYPHUS, SCARLET FEVER, SMALL- 
POX, and other BLOOD POISONS, are most remarkable, and are painfzilly suggestive of great neglect, whenever tJie PYRETIC 
SALINE is not e/nployed in these diseases. 

" It furnishes the blood with its lost Saline constituents." — Dr. Morgan, M.D., &c. 

The late Dr. Turley states in his letters and lectures : — " / found it act as a specific in the worst form of Scarlet Fever, NO OTHER 
Medicine being given." 

Caution. — The great reputation of this remedy having called forth spurious imitations, whose only merit is a transposition of the words of 
my label and wrappers, without any of the health-restoring properties, it is needful to observe my Name and Trade Mark, as above, on a buff- 
coloured Wrapper, without which the Saline cannot be genuine. 

Sold by all Chefnists and the Maker, in patent glass-stoppered Bottles, at 2s. 6d., 4-r. 6d., lis., and 21s. each. 

H. LAMPLOUGH, 113, Holborn Hill, London, E.C. 



"Magna est Veritas, et praevalebit." 

THE MIRACULOUS CURE 

For Corns and. Bunions. 
BRODIE'S CELEBRATED REMEDY. 

This Preparation, 
which, from its wonder- 
ful efficacy, has been 
named the '" Miraculous 
Cure," is rapidly becom- 
ing the most popular one 
of the day ; it is quite 
Painless in its operation, 
and will remove the 
most obstinate Corns. 

It is earnestly recom- 
mended to all sufferers. 
Sold in Packets is. i%d. 
each, by all the principal 
Chemists in England. 
If your Chemist does 
not keep it, you can obtain it direct from the Manufactory and Depot, 
485, Oxford Street, London, or by Post for 14 Stamps. 

OROIDE GOLD JEWELLERY (Registered). 

SCARF RINGS and PINS, in New Designs of great Beauty, 
post free, 3J. ALBERT CHAINS, in best Finish, and perfectly Indistin- 
guishable from 18 carat gold, 7s. 6d. LOCKETS, handsomely Engraved, 4s. 6d. , 
«. 6d., and 7 s. 6d. Post Free. Illustrated Price Lists and Opinions of the Press 
free per Post. 

C. C. ROWE, S3. All Saints' Road, Westbourne Park, London, W. 




pHEESE.— CHEDDAR, CHESHIRE, SOMERSET, 
^s and WILTSHIRE, the produce of some of the Choicest Dairies, 
in constant supply. 

AMERICAN CHEESE are relatively cheap, and very pleasing in 
quality this season. 

Buyers are requested to inspect the produce of some of the Finest 
United States Dairy and Fancy qualities of Factory Cheese now 
arriving, in splendid condition. 

HENRY WEBBER, Cheese and Bacon Factor, 17, Long Lane , 
West Smithfield, three Doors East of Metropolitan Market. 

FINE CHEESE FO R CHRISTMAS PRESENTS. 

SEND FOR ONE ON TRIAL. 
WEIR'S GLOBE SEWING MACHINE, Suit- 

able for Dressmakers. Reduced price, £2 2s., Com- 
plete. 
,WEIR'S 55s. SEWING MACHINE, for 

Families, improved and Patented (Prize Medals), 
w or ks by Hand or Foot, the most simple Sewing 
M ac hine in the world. Guaranteed to do every 
k ind of work. 

WEIR'S New Patent Lock-Stitch Machine, "THE 
ZEPHYR," price £4 4s., Complete, works by Hand 
or Foot. The most perfect and simple Lock-Stitch 
Machine. One month's free trial. Easy terms of payment. Carriage paid to 
any Railway Station. Illttstrated Prospectus and Patterns of Work, Post Free. 

JAMES G. WEIR, 2, Carlisle St.,Soho Square, London. 




TWO TEASPOONFULS of NEWTON'S CELEBRATED 
BALM OF LICORICE, Coltsfoot, Honey, and Horehound, instantly 
RELIEVES COUGHS, Colds, Bronchitis, Asthma, Whooping Cough, and all 
Obstructions of the Throat, Chest, and Lungs. For Children invaluable. No 
home should be without it. In Bottles is. x*£. and 2s 9^ Proprietor, J. W 
NEWTON, Chemist and M.P.S., Salisbury; BARCLAY & SONS, London; and 
all Chemists. 



OAKEVS NON-BUlt SILVERSMtlHS SOAP 



The best article for Cleaning and Polishing Silver, Electro Plate Plate Glass, Marble, &c. Produces an immediate, brilliant, and 

lasting polish. Tablets, 6d. each. 



OAKEY'S WELLINGTON KHIFEffllSH 



Prepared expressly for the Patent Knife Cleaning Machines, India Rubber and Buff Leather Knife Boards. K "j, ves ^^ 
cleaned with it have a brilliant polish, equal to new cutlery. Sold in Packets, 3 d. each ; and in Tins, 6d., is., M .6^and4^ea 



OAKEY'S INDIA RUBBER KNIFE BOARDS 



Prevent friction in cleaning and injury to the knife. Price from is. 6* each. OAKEY^LLINGTON^FJ POLISH should 
be used with the boards. Sold Everywhere, by Grocers, Ironmongers, Brushmakers, Oilmen, Chemists, ^ 

Wholesale ■ JOHN O AKEY & SONS, Manufacturers of Emery, Emery Cloth, Black Lead Cabinet Glass Paper, Ac. 
Wholesale. J °ttW ua^x^^ ^ ^^ ^^ MlLLS> Westminster Bridge Road, London, S.E. 



PULVERMACHER'S PATENT 

GALVANIC CHAIN BANDS, BATTERIES, &c 

Approved by the Acadimie de Medicine of Paris and other great Scientific Authorities hi England and Abroad. 



THE greatness and success of Mr. Pulvermacher's invention are owing especially to the possibility of 
administering Electric currents to the human frame, without shocks and -without any acid, in all the numerous cases where a 
mild co?ninuous current is exceedingly efficacious ; and th.it such mild currents are produced by the Chain Bands in a dry state 
may be seen by experiments on the gold-leaf electroscope, &c. In an article by Dr. Golding Bird in Lancet, Vol. II., xvii, 1851, 
he states : — "The ingenious Galvanic Chain of Mr. Pulvermacher has attracted so much attention that an account of its value 

may prove interesting Shocks are not required to develop physiological phenomena or therapeutical effects, as the laborious 

researches of Dr. Marshall Hall have long since proved, and it is only to the mild continuous voltaic current that we must look 
for a vast development of therapeutic 1 1 influence." However, if in certain cases shocks and strong currents are required, as pro- 
pounded by the science of Elejtro-Therapeucy, Pulvermachek's Galvanic Chains furnish, in addition, the simplest and most 
effective means ever discovered. These improvements have cost Mr Pulvermacher a lifetime of study and labour, have popularised 
curative Electricity, and made it as easily applicable as a simple compress, by which efficacy is combined with ease and comfort of 
application to a degree hitherto considered impossible. For further details on this subject read Pamphlet, " GALVANISM, 
NATURE'S CHIEF RESTORER OF IMPAIRED VITAL ENERGY," sent post free (for three stamps), on application to 

J. L. PULVERMACHER'S GALVANIC S3TA3LI3HMSNT,I94 Regent Street, London; W. 



A FEW RECENT TESTIMONIALS. 



From the "Scientific and Literary 
Review," April, 1873. 

"It is a singular fact that the first useful 
application of Electricity was that of restoring 
health. The improved means of practically 
applying this subtle power is an important item 
in the progress of electro-therapeutics; and in 
the extensive and ever-growing literature ex- 
plaining the various medico-galvanic appliances 
in use, we find, side by side with other scientific 
apparatus, Mr. Pulvermacher's various inven- 
tions of Voltaic Chain Bands, Batteries, &c, 
frequently treated upon in terms flattering to 
the inventor. We must, however, confess that 
it puzzled us not a little to find inventions 
which are so honourably connected with 
science, and represented in its literature, strug- 
gling for existence by advertisements in those 
columns of the daily press which are accessible 
to all comers, irrespective of merit. But an 
opportunity having lately been presented to us 
of experimenting the apparatus, it at once 
brought home to our senses, physiologically as 
well as physically, its bona fide character and 
efficiency, thus removing our misconceptions, 
and at the same time explaining why these 
Chains have acquired such an honourable 
status. By a glance at the construction of 
these Chains, the connoisseur will at once 
recognise the clever manner in which the 
inventor has satisfied the scientific conditions 
for electro generation on the one hand, and 
those for case of application on the other. As 
we have above seen, the success, both scientific 
and general, is owing to great simplicity, 
coupled with great electrical efficiency ; and 
this has, therefore, induced various other per- 
sons to put forward contrivances professedly 
possessing similar powers and virtues ; but 
these persons, either from ignorance of the 
scientific cause of the efficiency of Mr. Pulver- 
macher's appliances, or else dreading the 
penalties attending the infringement of his 
patent rights, claim to have found the secret 
of producing portable electric and magn-tic 
contrivances without the use of an exciting 
liquid and -without magnets, thus endeazwur- 

ing to mislead the ujiinformcd The 

invention of Mr. Pulvermacher, we find, has 
been described and favourably commented 
upon in numerous scientific works." 

TH E mass of evidence of the efficacy of 
these appliances is supplemented bv the 
following paragraph from the standard work (p. 
76, 1867) of Dr. John King, Clinical Professor 
of Obstetrics at Cincinnati: — " These Chains 
are very useful in many nervous disorders, 



Muscuiar Debility. 

Hemiplegia. 

Paralysis. 

Central Paralysis. 

Spinal Paralysis 

Neuralgia. 

Sciatica. 

Stiff Joints. 

Hysteria. 

Hysteric Paralysis. 

Aph 'nia. 

Epilepsy. 

Torpid Fever. 

Asthma. 

Amenorrhcea. 



Dysmenorrhcea. 
Spinal Irritation. 
Nervous Debility.. 
Constipation. 
Deafness (Nervous). 
Rheumatism. 
Dyspepsia 
Paraiysis (Bladder . 
Chorea. 
Impotencv. 
Writers' Cramp. 
Hysterical Cramps and 

Contractions. 
Loss of Smell. 
Loss of Taste, &c." 



" Ipswich, August 21, 1874. 
" Dear Sir, — Among the many testimonial 
1^ am daily receiving of the efficacy of your 
Galvanic appliances, you will doubtless be in ' 
terested in perusing the following just to hand 
which you can deal with as you think best. 
' : Yours sincerely, 

" ROBFRT STAGER. 

"J. L. Pulvermacher, Esq.*' 



Galvanism v. Ulcerated Throat, 
Rheumatism. 
'• Halifax, Yorks, Aug 26th, 1874. 
"My dear Mr. Seager,— I am glad to 
inform you that I have found the Band mcjst 
Mseful. My throat was in a very relaxed con- 
dition and badly ulcerated ; and -when other 
remedies had failed, less than a dozen applica- 
tions of the Galvanic Band effected a cure. I 
used one last winter for Rheumatism in my 
knee, and though I wore it only at night, both 
the pain and stiffness were removed in a week. 
'• Very sincerely yours, 
" Robert Morton, 
" Wesleyan Minister, late of Ipswich. 
'" Robert Seager, Esq.'" 



Galvanism v. Spinal Weakness, Indi- 
gestion, and General Debility. 

"Grafton Road, Kentish T®wn, 

"August 17, 1874. 

"Dear Sir. — It is with great pleasure I 
write to inform you of the benefit I have de- 
rived from the Galvanic Belt you sent me in 
December, 1872, which I have worn until now. 
When I commenced to wear it I was helpless 
as an infant, unable to walk, sit, or stand, or 
do the least thing, and my sufferings were 
very great, through the weakness of my spine 
an i ankles ; the least exertion put me in great 
pain. I was also a martyr to indigestion ; but 
now I can eat my food without any ill effects, 
for which I am truly thankful. I have delayed 
writing to you that I might give you as good 
an account as the lady you named in your 
letter to the Christian World, whose case so 
nearly resembled my own, the reading of 
which induced me- to write to you. I bless 
God I am able to sit and write this. I can 
now do needlework, and do many domestic 
matters. I can wash and dress myself and 
get about the house quite nicely, and for the 
last eight weeks have been able to attend 
chapel with a very little help, without fatigue. 
This is a blessing to me — indeed, such as I had 
never expected to enjoy again, for I had been 
afflicted nearly three years. I greatly rejoice 
for the marvellous cure which has been 
wrought on me. I shall be happy to give in- 
formation to anyone who may wish to call on 
me, so that seeing they may believe. Praying 
that Heaven's bles-ing may attend your efforts 
in doing good, I remain, 

" Yours very gratefully, 

'■ Mary Brown. 

'"' Mr. R. Seager, Ipswich." 



Galvanism v. Loss of Voice. 
" Donhead, St. Andrew's, 

" Salisbury, May 15, 1874. 
"Sir,— I -purchased a Band from you very 
nearly two years ago for a patient of mine, 
who had so far lost her voice for a period of 
somewhere about twenty-six months, that any 
person trying to hear what she wished to say 
should place his ear quite close to her mouth, 
and even then pay strict attention in order to 
catch the whispered sounds ; but after having 
worn this Band for about five or six months 
night and day, her voice was so perfectly re- 
stored that she could easily converse with' any 
one across a large room, and after about twelve 
months' use of the Band she could join the 
s.nging in church. 

" I remain, Sir, yours truly, 
"W. B. Thompson, L.R.C.P.,L.R.C.V. Edin. 

" Mr. J. L. Pulvermacher, 

"194, Regent Street, London." 



Galvanism v. Chronic Rheumatism. 

" Farnborough, near Wantage, Berks, 
"July 22, 1874. 
" Dear Sir,— I am glad to inform you that 
the Galvanic Chain Band you sent me on the 
25th of May, has done wonders for my poor 
mother, who was suffering from chronic rheu- 
matism and paralysis ot the left arm. For 
four months she was never out of pain, night 
or day. Her arm was useiess. The doctor 
said the strength was gone from the muscles ; 
but by wearing the Chain Band forty days the 
pain began to leave, and she still continues to 
Wear it ; the strength is gradually returning 
— indeed she is a wonder to herself. I also 
tried the Band in a case of gout, and it soon 
eased the pain. I shall ever recommend your 
Bands to friends suffering with such com- 
plaints. You may make what use you like of 
my letter. 

"I am, yours truly, 

"M. Wyld. 

" Mr. J. L. Pulvermacher, 

" 194, Regent Street, London." 



NT) In contradistinction to those un- 
, O . principled advertisers who publish 
statements solely on their awn authority, Mr. 
Pulvermacher refrains from putting forward 
any statements of his own in favour of his 
Medico-Galvanic Appliances, but confines him- 
self to quotations from the opinions of com- 
petent medical and scientific authorities, in- 
cluding Sir C. Locock, Bart.,M.D., F.R.C.S.; 
Sir Henry Holland, Bart., M.D., F.R.C.S., 
and FR.S.; Sir J. R. Martin, Bart., C. B., 
FR.C.S., F.S.A.,and F.R.S.; Sir VV. Fer- 
gl-sson, Bart., M.D., F.R.S., F.R.C.S., &c 

Mr. Pulvermacher challenges the strictest 
investigation of his numerous documents and 
testimonials, medical and private, which are 
published in his Pamphlet above referred to. 



CAUTION! 



THE "ULSTER" COAT 



^ULSTEfi'Cc^ 




5 £LFASt- 



IS MADE ONLY BY THE INVENTORS. 

JOHN G. M C GEE & CO., 

BELFAST, IRELAND. 

ALL OTHERS ARE MERE IMITATIONS. 

Therefore, Gentlemen who wish for the GENUINE " ULSTER," will please write 
direct for Patterns, &>c., as the Inventors have No Agents. 



FAS 


HIONABLE 


MILLINERY. 


LOUISE 


ET CT E., 


266, 


268, 210, 210A, REGENT STREET, LONDON, IV., 




M 1 L L 1 N 


E R S 


H. 


TO 

R. H. THE PR1NC 


ESS OF WALES, 


H. I. M. 


THE EMPRESS 


OF THE FRENCH, 




And Most of the Royal Families of Europe. 



SAMUEL BR OT HERS, Sydenham House, 50, L udgatc Hill, 

LONDON, E.C. 

Merchant Tailors, Boys' Outfitters, &c. 

THE SYSTEM OF CLASSIFICATION. — The Alphabetical classification of the various qualities (represented by the letters A to I), and the 
svstem of marking the same, with the prices, upon every roll of cloth and ready-made garment, is highly successful in securing that confidence so 



necessary between buyer and seller, 



nits anl Ti 



Irish Frieze Ulsters, 30s. to 100s. Boys' Department. 



f 

c/5 Suits, 
^ Business 
j and 
O Morning. 


Visiting, 
Dress, 

and 
Clerical. 


Trousers, 
Business, 
Morning, 

and 
Sydenhm 




A 365. 


435. 6d. 


1 2 s. 6d. 




B 42s-. 


495. 


145. 




C 505. 


57*- 


i6s. 


D 59*- 


68*. 


1 7 j. 6d. 


E 75*. 


83*. 


22s. 


F 81s. 


gis. 


24s. 


1 G 94*- 


1045. 


26s. 


H ' 102s. 


112*. 


28s. 


I 116s. 

All sizes 

every class f 

immediate u 

or to 

measure. 


f 

or 

se 


-jOS. 

G 
mea 


305. 
uide to 

Self- 
surement 

sent 
free. 




Boad or Rail Overcoats, 21s to>84s 



Boys' 

Suits 

in every 

Class and 

Style. 


Ulsters. 


Boys' 
Over- 
coats, 
New 
Textures. 


16*. 


155. 6d. 


12s. 6d 


20*. 


igs. 6d. 


16s. td. 


2 4 J. 


24s. 6d. 


2 is. 


28s. 


30*. 


24s. 


3 TS. 


35*- 


2 7 .f. 


34*- 


40s. 


30 J. 


38*. 


45-r- 


33*- 


- 


- 


- 


_ 

Boys' 
Suits 
noted for 
Hard 
Wear. 


"Patterns 

of every 

class 

sent 

free. 


High 

Class 

Style 

and 

Quality. 



WEAR-RESISTING" FABRICS 

BOYS' * YOUTHS CLOTHING, 

The " Wear-resisting " Fabrics are specially 

manufactured in every variety of colour and design, 

and are made from carefully selected yarns, extra 

twisted in Warp and Weft, so as to render them 

extremely durable (almost untear- 

able), and justify their title of 

" Wear-resisting." 

The C and D classes are recom- 
mended in the "Wear-resisting" 

r a Eoy 4 ft, in height. 
-G' ; CLASS, SSs 
"B" CLASS 80s. CJ 

Overcoats, izj. (xi to 
33J., to Measure or 
Ready made. Price 
ascending or descend- 
ing according to size. 
Special rooms are de- 
voted to the Juvenile 
Department 

Samuel Brothers 
guarantee to supply 
the very Finest Ma- 
terials, with gentle- 
manly style, sound 
workmanship.and per- 
fect fit. 




TFT HI-W ILLUSTRATED BOOK OF FASHIONS conta ; ns 45 p ortra ; ts f Boy Princes of Europe, Eminent Statesmen, and Merchant 
Princes, selected from an ranks and parties. Each Portrait (with brief Biographical Memoir) adorns a figure illustrating the newest and mc*t 
gentlemanly style of Costume. Price 6d., or gratis to purchasers. 

Patterns and Guide to Self-Measiireme?it sent Free. 
The famous Trade Mark. ''Sydenham;' indicates \he Special JVIanufaeture of tt^II 

SAMITE: OTHERS, SyclenhaniHoiise, 50. Liudgate Hill. 



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